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Sizing up your opponent: A Twitter Thread

All’s fair in love, war and, ahem, ‘measuring contests’ between billionaires, writes comedian Vikram Poddar

Vikram Poddar | Published 17.07.23, 02:58 PM
Fight for might

Fight for might

Shutterstock; Illustration: Tiyasa Das

Those not on social media all the time (Are you sane? What is wrong with you? Hello?), may have missed the proposed cage match of epic proportions where Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk are expected to compare their, ahem, ‘size’. If you’re wondering if I’m living out any phallic fantasies, these are the actual words of Elon where he demands a size comparison with Mark. I’ll admit this is one part of the male ecosystems that is entirely lost on me. Because empirical evidence (not mine) suggests that it’s usually the ones with the smallest size, who, for some reason, are most insistent on having this benchmarking exercise. Also known as Elections 2024.

I’m reminded of the TV series very ironically named Just Shoot Me. In one scene, the otherwise scrawny and picked-on character of David Spade happens to drop his pants in the men’s sauna and the size of his ‘ego’ leaves all the other men, who otherwise thought rather lowly of him, completely stunned. Filled with insecurity, they call up their significant others for reassurance. Tragically, when the character Elliot asks his girlfriend what she likes about him, she very innocently says, “Oh, the little things”, leaving his masculine ego crushed in an unmasculine grimace.


But an honest comparison of both men’s … err … attributes, might help to put things in perspective. Mark is as American as the US Army, which means his first response to any provocation is to respond with ‘send location’. Elon, on the other hand, has a more South African err ‘stature’, which means he likes to play on the stereotype of the ‘stature’ of folks from down there, and this shows in his bluster as well, whether it is calling Mark a “Lizard Boy” or threatening to sue him while being sued himself.

When it comes to run-ins with the government, perhaps both have equally drawn the ‘short’ straw. Whether it’s Elon being denied subsidies for electrical vehicles given to rivals or Mark being grilled by a Congressional committee for failure to curb politics on his platform … by politicians. In fact, the main grouse of the politicians was censorship on their attempts to claim whose size (of constituency) is bigger.

When it comes to wealth, one can go by pure numbers and sing that same old politically correct, but privately debated slogan of ‘Size doesn’t matter’. But more than the relative ‘size’ of their wealth, one can consider that Elon’s bets are more diversified across Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, Twitter and The Boring Company (pun fully intended). While Mark has quite literally thrown all his weight and wealth behind the Metaverse, which is literally looking more meta than real.

Perhaps, Elon’s grouse against Mark for copying Twitter with Threads is no more than just schoolyard penis envy. And I speak from the trauma of passing out of an all-boys school who mercifully only had to experience this metaphorically than literally. It is rumoured that Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin rocket was deliberately shaped like a penis as a giant ‘Duck you’ to Elon.

Perhaps, Elon’s grouse against Mark for copying Twitter with Threads is no more than just schoolyard penis envy

Perhaps, Elon’s grouse against Mark for copying Twitter with Threads is no more than just schoolyard penis envy


So, perhaps no matter how wealthy you get, this giant contest with very small returns is an inescapable fact of a man’s life. Women have it much easier in this regard of course. It’s not like they ever compare sizes 😉. But, of course, if two businesswomen should ever go at each other in a cage match, its not only OnlyFans who are likely to size them up.

But perhaps, we should be most worried about the Japanese, who, in an episode of South Park, convince American kids to bomb modern-day Pearl Harbour and distract any American adults questioning the Japanese motivations by telling them, “You Americans oh so big size! We oh so small!” But enough about what an increase in Japanese interest rates might do to the US world order.

The author, Vikram Poddar, is a Marwari investment banker turned corporate comedian. The views expressed in this article are his own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website.

Last updated on 17.07.23, 02:58 PM

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