Rita (name changed), a 35-year-old marketing executive from Kolkata, was shocked to discover long threads of flirty, intimate messages on her husband’s phone. But what came as a bigger shock was her husband’s response when she confronted him — a casual “this isn’t cheating”.
“He said it wasn’t cheating because they never met in person. But to me, it felt like betrayal,” she recalled.
A recent survey conducted by dating app Gleeden reveals that nearly 40 per cent of married Indians admit to having a digital affair — a finding that highlights a shifting dynamic in modern relationships, where emotional and sexual infidelity can take place with no physical contact at all.
But this casual chatting, often seen as “harmless”, is creating real-world problems in marriages, says Kolkata-based couple therapist Poulomee Shaw.
“Most of the cases involve emotionally distant partners who fail to support each other when it matters the most,” said Shaw, a consultant psychologist and mental health specialist at AM Medical Centre.
“When respect and understanding erode, especially in financially independent couples who are preoccupied with their own lives, the emotional vacuum prompts digital distractions,” she added.
Some couples, Shaw said, lose physical intimacy when they are in long-distance relationships, while many stop investing emotionally in each other. “This creates a ‘taken-for-granted’ situation. In some cases, people seek the adrenaline rush of chatting or sexting with strangers. What starts as curiosity turns into emotional attachment. And when one partner starts breaking promises or withdrawing effort, the other may look elsewhere for comfort.”
A 42-year-old Kolkata civil engineer confessed that he got involved in a virtual relationship during the pandemic despite being married. “It started with late-night chats on a messaging app. She listened to me, understood my frustrations—something my ex-wife hadn’t done in a while. But when my wife found out, she was devastated. I had never touched another woman, but she considered it as cheating. Looking back, I understand why. It also hurt the girl I was chatting with when I ghosted her. Now divorced and happily married again, I have pledged not to fall for it once more.”
Psychologists say the consequences of a virtual affair are just as painful as a physical one. The emotional investment, secrecy, and breach of trust can deeply fracture a relationship.
Psychologists say the consequences of a virtual affair are just as painful as a physical one Shutterstock
According to lifestyle vlogger Pritha Paul, the biggest concern with virtual dating is the lack of accountability and relatively low feeling of guilt.
“The person doesn’t think he/she is betraying their partner. It starts with casual conversations and soon snowballs into a situation where the person involved is willing to risk his marriage for a virtual partner,” she said. Under the current legal framework, Indian law does not consider virtual affairs as adultery. Yet in the case of matrimonial law (Hindu Marriage Act and Special Marriage Act), a digital affair can be a ground for divorce as it can be interpreted as a breach of trust.
So, what should couples do when easy access to online romance starts plaguing their marriage?
“First, accept that there’s a big difference between real life and the ‘reel’ life on social media. Pause, reflect, and if possible, restart. It’s okay to take a break from the routine of marriage, but it’s also important to work toward rebuilding. Marriage is a relationship, not a situationship. Be loyal, set goals together, celebrate small wins, and build new memories. And most importantly, accept your imperfect partner in the most perfect way you can,” said Shaw.