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The mother of all national issues: ‘We can see his bum’

Corporate stand-up comedian Vikram Poddar on the bare minimum it takes for a Ranveer Singh-style controversy

Vikram Poddar | Published 01.08.22, 12:09 PM

Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images

It was the early ’90s. As an adolescent teenager just crossing puberty, life was frustrating as one can expect it to be. But there was one outlet in Star Movies. Which showed nudity as casually as Bollywood actors running around trees in those days. And all the boys and girls in their teenage years were happy because we knew the censored version of the movie would air at 9pm and the same movie would air uncensored at 11pm.  Of course, at midnight, there was FTV, but that was for the fashion section. 

Everything was wonderful until things hit rock bottom. One boy’s mother unfortunately discovered her boy watching the uncensored version. She made it a national issue. And ever since, nudity has gone missing on TV. It is strange for my generation to see more rather than less censoring in supposedly more liberal times. From casual nudity to now even a kiss being censored in the re-airing of a F.R.I.E.N.D.S. episode. Heck, I saw an episode of Scrubs where the word “uterus” was bleeped out. Perhaps they have chosen sides in the abortion debate. 

I guess what we can take away from this episode is that mothers will always be a national issue in this country. As they are prone to make every small issue a national issue. Perhaps the woman who filed a complaint against Ranveer was also a mother. And she felt she must punish this child for his naughtiness and went straight to the school principal. Who in this case was Nidhi Razdan. Given her tryst with Harvard, it might even become an international issue.

Now, the woman on being quizzed on why this was a national issue said, “We can see his bum”. Ma’am have you considered in the future that could also be a mode of biometric verification? Surely our posteriors are as unique as our fingerprints. And given that bum first is pretty much how one survives in the corporate world, I fail to see why we can’t just swipe in and out with our rears while covering our faces. Perhaps Ranveer is the new intern who took the company’s mission on “Transparency” a little too literally. Or perhaps it was a protest against GST. 

And yet no one has asked the one person who should object the most to her paramour’s posterior being on display for all and sundry. Deepika Padukone probably just looked at Ranveer and quoted the line from her Parachute ad “Tum to ho gorgeous humesha”. Now it’s possible the same lines were repeated when Ranbir dropped the towel in Saawariya. Butt the early reviews from Shamshera tell us even Ranbir doing a Ranveer may not be enough to save it. 

A cheeky Yashraj Mukhate made a fun video of the Ranveer Singh controversy titled ‘We Can See His Bum’

It’s interesting that this news item should also coincide with a recent article about nudist clubs in Kolkata, and another of students in Durgapur doing bottoms-up on condom-washed water. Because at least that way there is some news in Kolkata. There are memes floating around with photo-op Ranveer photoshopped into various locations hilariously out of context. I personally would like to see him photoshopped into a tram in Burrabazar. At least that will finally drive people out of them and leave ‘behind’ this relic from our past. 

As Indian mothers contemplate different things to turn into national issues, perhaps we need to look inwards and reflect on ourselves as a society. Because to look outwards at our reflections in the mirror, we all need to look like Ranveer Singh. And those my dear, are the bare facts.

The author, Vikram Poddar, is a Marwari investment banker turned corporate comedian. The views expressed in this article are his own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website. 

Last updated on 02.08.22, 11:26 AM
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