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A 13-year-old’s spaced out letter to the James Webb Telescope

Corporate comedian Vikram Poddar shoots from the hip in his latest laugh column

Vikram Poddar | Published 19.07.22, 06:43 PM


Date: July 19, 2022



Sheldon Cooper Chatterjee

Planet Earth

South 24 Parganas

22.1352° N, 88.4016°

Subject: My English Homework

Dear James Webb Telescope Sir,

I am a student who comes from a lot of heritage. And also a lot of inheritance or it would be hard to afford the heritage. I am glad NASA can afford $10 billion to spend on you. But what I can’t afford is another assignment on my head. Now we have been asked to write an essay on, ‘What I would like to tell the James Webb Telescope’ and submit it by tomorrow. I fail to understand why your expensive interstellar vacation should ruin my summer. Is this what adults call senior management offsite in Thailand? Maybe I should check with my uncle.

Akshay Kumar in ‘Mission Mangal’ echoing my thoughts on trying to complete my assignment on time

Akshay Kumar in ‘Mission Mangal’ echoing my thoughts on trying to complete my assignment on time

You are creating more buzz than the launch of the Sealdah to Salt Lake Metro. This is too much pressure on a 13-year-old. I can barely keep up with my Instagram reels and homework at the same time. But at least we are back in school. Last two years, the teachers were giving us homework on Instagram reels. I wish I could put some of them on mute.

I know you have this older brother Hubble. I had to write an essay about him as well. BUT I WAS NOT EVEN BORN WHEN HE WAS LAUNCHED! I heard you guys got a contest going about whose image is cooler. I know how you feel. I am also a younger brother. They should know that the younger brother is the cool one who no one appreciates. But enough about Tina Ambani. I heard the adults talking about some Miss Universe hubblin’ with Lalit Modi. I thought you might know her because of the cosmic connections. I heard Miss Universe posted that she isn’t going ring-shopping anymore. Well, I think that’s good, at least Saturn won’t lose any.

But since I have to do this stupid assignment, I might as well tell you what I am supposed to tell you. I think your antenna is really cool. It reminds me of the radio-controlled car my friend had. He once stuck a piece of foil on it and tried to pass it off as a solar-powered car in the school science project. He was flashing a light on it while his friend would operate it remotely from a distance thinking no one would figure out the scam. He said he wants to become a Supreme Court judge when he grows up.

I think the photos you click are pretty cool. But if I had 10 billion dollars, I would have at least tried to look for some interstellar chicks. Imagine playing cosmic Tinder. “Not looking for FWG: Friends with Galaxies”. Disclaimer: I don’t have a fake 18+ account on Tinder.

I heard you clicked some pretty cool photos of Jupiter. That’s alright. But personally as an introvert, I’ve always wanted to click photos of Pluto. Because it has been rejected by society for not fitting into some predetermined notion of what a planet is, how it should behave, how it should talk and how it should not post dad’s PAN card details on Instagram. Just to hit on the CA chicks.

I heard you also clicked a Nebula. Tell her I said, ‘Hi Nebula, big fan here. Loved your work in Avengers. Maybe I can be your Starlord”. Disclaimer: I don’t have a fake 18+ account on interstellar Bumble.

So that’s all I really wanted to tell you Mr James Webb Telescope Sir. And to share my Fanboy Instagram reel, ‘Churake dil mera, Nebula chali’.

Yours faithfully,

Sheldon Cooper Chatterjee

(My mother says I was born because of a big bang so they named me Sheldon Cooper)

PS: If you see Dad up there, ask him if he left me $10 Bn in the will, so I can also build another James Webb telescope to look at him. 😉

Last updated on 19.07.22, 06:43 PM

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