My dear Bhadraveers,
I must congratulate you for joining me in this special seminar. Today we will discuss how to become an Agniveer, something that comes naturally to anyone who stays south of the South 24 Parganas
Research
To become an Agniveer, the most important thing to do is research. Which means you must study both the Agneepath films thoroughly. You must identify scene by scene how the Hrithik Roshan re-make almost made Dinanath Chauhan want to change his name.
Make sure all your LinkedIn posts have motivational quotes with dialogues from the film. This will help you to survive HR induction when you join corporate life; it may even get you a pension. It can be much harder than a stint in the army where at least you can attack the enemy.
Physical Fitness
Needless to say, being PHYSICALLY FIT is a must. If you don’t know about King Julien from Madagascar, then you may stop reading beyond this point. But to live up to his expectations you must learn to race a tram in Kolkata by slowing your movements down to the economy’s growth rate. This will also prepare you for a stint in corporate life where finance and HR will slow all your movements down.
Don’t miss a chance to immerse yourself in aqua aerobics in the flood (you’re lucky the monsoons have arrived). This will also prepare you for induction into the navy.
Focus
You must learn to run through Victoria’s gardens (Memorial, not Secret) in concentric circles while steadfastly avoiding even a second glance at the couples indulging in their own physical fitness. If you want to take this to the extreme level (because after all, you are an Agniveer from Ballygunge), you must attempt this same exercise while sharing a couple's boat in Babughat. This will also prepare you for induction into the navy.
Skygazing
This will help to keep your spirits up as you will not see the potholes in the roads till after you fall into them. Because falling into a pothole is better than having a flyover fall over you. Now some intellectual gentleman from The Bengal Club may ask me, “But Vikram, what if the pothole is on a flyover?” To that I say, I hope one of my readers will join the air force so you can drop a pothole on this gentleman’s lawn.
Mental Resilience
Anyone who has been pandal-hopping has already developed mental resilience from the womb so there isn’t much training needed here. You are already an expert in riot control and hostage negotiation as you cut deals with the pandal organiser and call in all your favours to sneak in a few relatives… while reminding them that now they also owe you a favour. All this while a communist horde watches you abuse your privilege. As you can imagine, this will certainly prepare you for induction into the Army.
Social media-savvy
Now today’s wars are being fought in cyberspace as much as they are being fought on the ground. Try matching with a half-decent girl and you will see the war in her DMs as every Aurobindo, Abhijit and Anirban considers himself an Agniveer. Even if their daak naam is Laltu, Rinku or Babu. Yes sir, I understand you went to Jadavpur University. But to wear glares with J and U in each lens in your DP is conduct unbecoming of an officer and a gentleman.
Culture
Remember, there is a reason the warrior and the poet always go together. As an Agniveer, you are expected to document your traumas, like demands from relatives for free alcohol from the Canteen Stores Department (CSD). You must write poems and sing songs of war like Homer. And pay homage to the late Harivansh Rai Bachchan, who wrote the poem Agnipath by picking up two bottles of Old Monk from the CSD canteen without telling your friends.
If you liked this programme, you may sign a Memorandum of (not) Understanding, like, comment and share it with your fellow Agniveers. But leave the Old Monks for me.
May the force be with you.
The author, Vikram Poddar, is a Marwari investment banker turned corporate comedian. The views expressed in this article are his own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website.
