With the FIFA World Cup 2022 nearing the end of the group stages just before fans near the end of their arithmetic aptitude by calculating who qualifies, our weekly Offside Awards are back to reward the bizarre, the brilliant and everything in between.
As part of our second edition, we acknowledge the boxer who wants to knock out Lionel Messi, the goal that Cristiano Ronaldo scored in his head (but not with his head), America’s greatest semantic obsession and a whole lot more.
The Eric Cantona Award for Verbal Diarrhoea
Have you heard of Santos Saul Canelo Alvarez? We suppose not. Nor had Lionel Messi, at least until the Mexican boxer took to social media to rant against the Argentine captain in the wake of Argentina’s 2-0 win over Mexico. According to Alvarez, post-match footage from the Argentine dugout shows Messi “cleaning the floor with our (Mexico’s) jersey and flag”. As a classic boxer’s warning, Alvarez went on to add: “He (Messi) better pray to God that I don’t find him.” Alvarez’s relentless trolling of Messi, including a spat with Messi’s former teammate Sergio Aguero, seemed somewhere between the laughable and the ludicrous. Sure, the Mexican jersey is on the floor and Messi (perhaps accidentally) knocks it away while taking off his right boot. But, as Aguero and later Cesc Fabregas have clarified, jerseys are always kept on the floor after a match. It does not mean Messi intended any disrespect, something Alvarez realised only after four days, before issuing a public apology. In the meantime, Argentina fans, never ones to keep quiet, began sharing pictures of Mike Tyson in the colours of La Albiceleste for good measure!
The Davids XI Award for the Greatest Giant Killer
More than 20 places separate Belgium and Morocco in the FIFA men’s international rankings. While the Europeans, semi-finalists in 2018, are regulars in the knockout stages of a World Cup, Morocco are yet to progress beyond the group phase. And yet, for those who saw the two sides from Group F battle it out in Al Thumama, there was always going to be one winner. Except it was not the team with the likes of Thibaut Courtois, Kevin De Bruyne and Eden Hazard. Morocco's shock 2-0 result against Belgium’s golden generation (not all gold pays off) not only changed the dynamics of the group but created a red-letter day in the history of African football at the expense of the Red Devils. A special mention here for Tunisia, who somehow kept France at bay en route to a 1-0 win, even though the holders started with a second-string side and Tunisia still ended up getting eliminated from the World Cup, thanks to Australia’s upstaging of Denmark.
The Activism Without Armband Award (presented by Real Courage *TM)
A pitch invader grabbed most of the headlines after Portugal’s 2-0 win over Uruguay on Monday night
FIFAPitch invaders are nothing new at a World Cup. But a pitch invader with not one, not two, but three political messages, is quite a sight. With Portugal going toe-to-toe with Uruguay at the Lusail Iconic Stadium, a 30-something gentleman decided he had spent enough time on the sidelines. And no, we are not talking about Luis Suarez. Wearing a Superman t-shirt that had “Save Ukraine'” emblazoned at the front and “Respect for Iranian Woman” (without a grammar check) printed on the back, the most political fan in the ground ran onto the field waving the pride (LGBTQI+) flag. TV cameras, usually instantaneous in their response in shifting the viewers’ gaze away from such interventions, focused for a handful of seconds on the man who may just be the next face of intersectional activism.
The Instant Vindication Award (presented by TikTok)
England are playing boring football. England are not playing Phil Foden. At least one of these two statements was rendered false by a freshly malleable Gareth Southgate, who decided to listen to the rest of his compatriots and start Foden against Wales in England’s final group game. The result — a 3-0 win for the Three Lions, with a brace from Marcus Rashford and, of course, a goal from Foden himself. Suddenly, the England team that was chastised for being too conservative, too confused and too sullen (both in its activism and in its attack) was vindicated, completing a 180-degree spin that would have made Boris Johnson proud. Now, England are back to being one of the tournament favourites, at least according to the rest of Southgate’s compatriots.
“I could’ve scored it” Miss of the Week
Okay, not many could have actually scored this, but nobody would have actually claimed it, knowing fully well it belonged to a teammate. Nobody not named Cristiano Ronaldo. A few minutes before the hour mark in the Portugal-Uruguay clash, Bruno Fernandes floated in a delicious cross into the box, which appeared to be headed in by Ronaldo. However, replays clearly showed that the Portuguese captain had missed the ball by a few inches and the goal was duly credited to Fernandes. But, in the spirit of a true goalscorer, Ronaldo kept on gesturing that the ball had hit his head and even failed to spot a through ball as he was busy looking at the giant screen on the field to see who the strike was attributed to. And oh, in case you were wondering, he also complained to Piers Morgan afterwards!
When VAR Went Too Far
After Argentine anguish last week, it is time for VAR to ruffle Brazilian feathers this time. Set clear by Casemiro to run into open space against Switzerland in the 65th minute, Vinicius Junior displayed pace, precision and panache to give Brazil the lead in the absence of starman Neymar. As thousands of Brazil supporters erupted in celebration, VAR put the brakes on, disallowing the goal for ambiguous vertical misalignment. Also known as offside. Cue for us to bring out our pencil and ruler and measure exactly where and how the Real Madrid winger had strayed beyond the last Swiss man. Fortunately for Brazil, the decision mattered little, as Casemiro’s clinical finish sealed the points later on in the game.
Best Example of Bitter Twitter
Besides their love for unnecessary invasions and apple pie, Americans cannot get enough of soccer. Not football, but soccer. Not on the pitch, but in the dictionary of American culture that dictates that the world’s richest country (just about) pronounce ‘soccer’ more often than ‘sanctions’. No wonder then that US fans were at it again after their team sealed a place in the round of 16 by narrowly seeing off Iran (not the first time that has happened either), with soccer advocates in the stands to soccer advocates on Twitter relentlessly reminding the world that Americans cannot live with reasonable English words.
Balloon d’Or (The Golden Balloon)
When you are forced out of the World Cup you were supposed to dominate, you are in desperate need of a lift in spirit. Which is why this week’s Balloon d’Or goes to none other than Neymar, also known as the man who will no longer be carrying Brazilian hopes in Qatar. The 30-year-old injured his ankle against Serbia in Brazil’s opening game and remains a doubt for the Selecao’s first knockout round fixture. To make matters worse, this is not the first time Neymar has been unable to help his teammates at a World Cup due to overzealous treatment from the opposition (and the turf). In 2014, Neymar’s World Cup ended prematurely on home soil, with a horrifying injury against Colombia that almost prevented him from playing ever again. Brazil went on to lose their first knockout game of that tournament without their talisman to Germany by the do-not-adjust-your-TV-screens margin of 7-1. An omen that indicates Neymar might have to share his Balloon d’Or with the rest of his teammates next week.
