| THE PROBLEM |
| I am a housewife, living with my in-laws in a joint family. I am quite friendly with my father-in-law's brother’s wife, but my mother-in-law, who is very domineering, gets livid with me whenever I talk to her or go out shopping with her. Should I avoid the aunt just to keep peace, or would that be giving in to irrational behaviour? Please help. |
| Debolina Sengupta, Calcutta |
| We all have to do things differently for the sake of peace. I don’t think there’s anything wrong if you are friendly with the aunt. But try to motivate your mother-in-law to think a bit differently. I hope this works for you. If not, then diplomacy is the only way out. |
| Sandipan Mitra |
| Sunny Park, Behala, Calcutta |
| Don’t get too involved with your aunt-in-law. Try to keep your mother-in-law happy. Take her out for shopping, movies, etc. Strike a balance and study your mother-in-law’s reaction. If her hostility persists, politely explain that a civilised household is all about cordial relationships. |
| Arya Mukherjee, |
| Howrah |
| Have you found out why your mother-in-law dislikes the lady in question? Is this a recent development? You should try to set things right. You cannot ignore one person to please another. It’s best that you bridge the gap between the two. |
| T.R. Anand, |
| Address withheld |
| Have a frank discussion with your mother-in-law. You could also take the help of your husband. If this does not work, then avoid your aunt-in-law in the presence of your mother-in-law. |
| Arnab Banerjee |
| Aradanga (East), |
| Asansol |
| Speak to your husband and get his opinion. Ask him to convince your mother-in-law. If he does not approve of your friendship with his aunt, then you should respect his opinion. At the same time, speak to the aunt and explain your dilemma. If she does not understand, do not speak to her again. Both these ladies seem to be pretty arrogant. |
| G. Diwakar |
| New Nallkunta, |
| Hyderabad |
| Your problem isn’t so serious that you should avoid the aunt. You should be friendly with all members of the family. Discuss the matter with your husband. Next, you should make your mother-in-law understand that you are not doing anything wrong. Then, speak to the aunt and tell her that you need to be more circumspect. |
| Nabin Barman |
| Santoshpur, Calcutta |
| Are you sure your mother-in-law is being irrational? She might have good reasons for bearing a grudge against your aunt-in-law. Why don’t you try playing the peacemaker? Remember, there is no relationship that cannot improve. |
| Hara Lal Chakraborty |
| Arabinda Nagar, |
| Calcutta |
| You are new to this family. Surely your mother-in-law knows her folks better than you do. Find out from her why she hates this person. If it is pure jealousy, you have to give your mother-in-law more time and attention. There’s no point riling her up. Spend more time with her so that she gets a better chance of knowing you and even appreciating you views. |
| C. Mukhopadhyay, |
| Putharjhora Tea Garden, Jalpaiguri |
| You are lucky that you are part of a joint family. Don’t spoil your relationships by getting involved in quarrels. Spend your time and energy on constructive things. Don’t distance yourself from the two warring ladies. But don’t take sides. |
| Jayanti Ghosh, |
| Gopalpur, Asansol |
| Stop talking to this aunt. Your mother-in-law is more important to you. Concentrate on building a good relationship with her. |
| Rajesh Mukherjee, |
| Calcutta |
| You should avoid this lady. There’s nothing else that you can do now. You may feel that you are giving in to your mother-in-law’s irrational behaviour, but life is all about making compromises. Convey your feelings to your aunt-in-law, explaining that you have to distance yourself in order to prevent complications at home. |
| Kajal Chatterjee, |
| Sodepur |
| I think your mother-in-law’s behaviour is quite natural. She feels that you owe her something more. You should respect her wishes. It’s all about making the right choice. So, let your head rule your heart in this matter. |
| b. mitra |
| kalyani |
| I don’t approve of your behaviour. Why are you getting influenced by your mother-in-law’s wishes? Don’t be partial. If you’re taking the aunt out for shopping, do the same with your mother-in-law. Don’t give her a chance to complain. Be nice to both of them. Make it clear that you’re not ready to make any compromises. |
| s. choudhury, |
| rourkela |
| You should get out of this madhouse immediately. You should either move out with your husband or get busy with some activity or a job. If you can’t do any of these, then buy a pair of earplugs and shut out all the noise and cribbing. |
| v.k. kaushik |
| address withheld |
| Why do you need to go out with this aunt-in-law for shopping? Don’t you have friends to hang out with? You should ideally restrict your interaction with these two ladies to the barest minimum. Neither of them should have anything to complain about. |
| Sudip guha roy, |
| burdwan |
| EXPERT EYE Ishita Sanyal - Consultant psychologist |
| There are many reasons why a relationship goes wrong. Often, people have conflicting expectations, are preoccupied with other issues, or have difficulty expressing what they want or feel. Maybe your mother-in-law feels insecure when you spend time with the aunt, which means she expects more time, love and support from you. The other reason could be that she expects you to share her dislike for the aunt. You should first try to have a conversation with your mother-in-law. Tell her that you love and respect her. At the same time, say that you find it difficult to avoid the aunt. In India, marriage means forming ties with the whole family. If you avoid the aunt, you will only make her feel bad. At the same time, you will be frustrated with yourself. Your mother-in-law should appreciate that you are trying to maintain peace and amity in the household. There are a few more points you should take note of. Emotional support for each other is critical. Spend time with your mother-in-law. Show that you respect her views. This doesn’t mean that you agree with everything she says or does. There’s no harm, however, in trying to look at things from the other’s perspective. Do not ignore the aunt. If she is a friend, she will surely try to understand your dilemma. Have a talk with her and see if she can come up with a better way of solving this problem. |
| Next month’s Response question |
| Readers are requested to respond to the following problem. All answers — not more than 150 words — should reach us within a fortnight. Readers can also write to us through e-mail (themes@abpmail.com) or fax their answers to 033 2225 3142/ 2236 1208 |
| I am a working girl. I live with my father and my sister, who is also employed. My sister does not do any household work but she is always finding fault with whatever I do. She just sits around and cribs. My father, who is very old, does not protest. If anyone tries to discipline her, she gets into fits of temper. I’ve stopped speaking to her but there is a lot of tension in our house. What should I do? Name and address withheld |
Tuesday, 01 July 2025
