| PROBLEM | |
I am a 25-year-old research scholar, living in a joint family. I am very close to a cousin who is having an affair with a colleague. Her parents are opposed to the match so they have decided to get married in the court. My cousin wants me to be one of the witnesses at the wedding. Though I support her fully, I am afraid of going against the family in public. This is partially because I am still financially dependent. What should I do now? Please help me out. | |
| Name and address withheld | |
| If you really believe that what your cousin is doing is right, stand up for it. How can you say you are very close to her and not be brave enough to help her out? Step into her shoes for minute — what would you expect of her if you were in her situation? Wouldn’t you expect her to help you? As for financial dependence, that should hardly be the reason — we are after all living in the 21st century! | |
| Somali Misra Burgess, Boston, USA | |
| Perhaps you are concerned too much about your scholarship as well as career. If you think that your cousin is not going to do anything wrong, you must stand by her all the way. You can, however, try to persuade your family members to reach a logical consensus in a very polite and submissive way. | |
| Biswanath Pakrashi, | |
| Serampore, Hooghly | |
| It’s good that you support your cousin’s decision, but a marriage is something that should be done with the consent of the family. If the groom is well established, eventually her parents will agree. Persuade her not to take a hasty decision. You can try to convince her family. I think if you are a witness at their marriage, your family will lose faith in you. | |
| Madhurima, Salt Lake, Calcutta | |
| Why are the parents opposing the marriage? Try to convince them. You should also speak to your cousin and ask her to wait and let time heal matters. Also, get more information about the guy she wants to marry. Tell the guy to come home with his family and speak to the elders. However, if everything is still out of control, go ahead and support her marriage, keeping that a secret from your family as you are still financially dependent. | |
| Sayantan Roy | |
| Calcutta | |
| You should not go against the family in public. Differences in the family should never be made public. But you can help your cousin from a distance. You may get a friend of yours to witness the marriage, so that she receives the desired help, while at the same time, you don’t hurt your family. | |
| Chaitali Kar, | |
| Jamshedpur | |
| There is no reason for you to chicken out. However, it is always better to be practical. If you feel that you might be financially deprived, then don’t go against the family decision. You should explain your problem to your cousin. I am sure she will understand your situation as she is close to you. | |
| Sayan Banerjee, Belgachia, Calcutta | |
| Think over your cousin’s decision impartially. If you feel she is right, you should become a witness. At the same time, you should also try to persuade your family. Your conscience should be free from any obligation. So, support the side your conscience approves. | |
| D. Sushmita, address withheld | |
| Since you are financially dependent, you should stay out and make your cousin understand your problem. But assure her of mental support; the best bet is to involve a close friend in this — someone who will be a witness and also not make things public. | |
| Apurba Basu, address withheld | |
| You should go with the majority. You cannot irk the entire family in your effort to please one person. Moreover, your cousin is betraying her parents. Don’t support her. | |
| Jang Bahadur Singh, | |
| Golpahari, Jamshedpur | |
| The court does not say that a relative alone can be a witness at a wedding. Tell your cousin that she should find another witness. What she wants, I think, is a simple and hassle-free ceremony. So, choosing another witness is no issue at all. She will not mind as long as she gets your support on other important issues. | |
| Asim Sen, | |
| Deshapriya Park, Calcutta | |
| You should show some respect for your cousin’s love. In fact it is your moral duty to arrange her marriage. If you perform your duty towards her, then you will be an idealist. | |
| Sujoy Bera, | |
| Andul, Howrah | |
| Try to convince your relatives in the house so that your cousin’s marriage can be solemnised normally. You should also examine the objections your family has against the match. | |
| Rudra Bisan Chattopadhyay, | |
| Namopara, Purulia | |
| You have to be very cautious. At your age, romantic ideas take over practical ones. You might end up paying a heavy price for any mistake you make now. Wish your cousin all the best for her marriage but keep out of it. | |
| Soma Chanda, | |
| Ballygunge, Calcutta | |
| I find your hesitation in becoming a witness strange. I’d be happy to see you as one of the signatories, whatever the repercussions. | |
| Phani Bhusan Saha, | |
Balurghat
Next month’s Response question Readers are invited to respond to the following problem. The answer should reach us within a fortnight. This coupon should be enclosed with a letter sent by post. Please write ‘Response, Family Page’ on the envelope. Readers may also write to themes@abpmail.com. All answers should be within 150 words. My cousin has got married into a rather conservative family. Initially things were okay. But then her father-in-law, the only person who cared for her, died. Then her husband got transferred to Mumbai. Now she stays alone with her mother-in-law and sisters-in-law. It is getting quite claustrophobic for her. To top it all, she had a miscarriage and is in depression. Her husband keeps saying he will take her to Mumbai as soon as he gets settled there but this has been happening for some time now. Now she wants to get a job as she feels that this is the only way she will keep sane. But her in-laws are dead set against it. Also she has not worked before and is not confident. What should she do? Name and address withheld Expert Eye Some situations in our life make us feel confused while taking a decision. Think for a while why you want to support your cousin; is it because you love her or because you think that she has taken the right decision? In movies, marriage is all about love. But in reality, the bubble might burst soon unless one is sure about his/her decision. The success of a relationship depends on how well some issues like finance, sexuality, communication, conflict, parenting, in-laws, leisure time, etc. are discussed and decided. If your cousin has taken the pains to explore the relationship in depth, then it is likely that she will succeed in having a happy married life. If you agree to her decision, then your support may help her in executing an important episode of her life. You can change the decision or rigidity of other family members once you point out to them the reason behind your support. You may be financially dependent but supporting your cousin doesn’t mean revolting against your family. Maybe your communication can change the whole situation. | |
Thursday, 11 September 2025
