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The problem
My father-in-law is 70 and ailing. Though he has five children, my husband is the only one who pays for his treatment. He takes on this responsibility even though we are not very affluent. He does not even ask his siblings to share the costs of his father’s treatment. How do I deal with the situation?
P. Bhattacharya,
Calcutta
Response
You should be proud to have a husband who willingly looks after his ailing father. But before the expenses go beyond your reach, I would suggest that you tactfully convince your husband or write letters to all his siblings explaining the situation and appealing to them to share the expenses. If not all, some of them might lend you a helping hand.
K.V. Viswanathan
Jamshedpur
Convince your husband to be firm with his siblings. It is commendable that even though he is not very affluent, he is still meeting all the expenses of his father’s treatment. But he should be practical. He should explain to his brothers and sisters that he has financial constraints and ask them to share the expenses. Remember, in this world you will never get justice unless you are prepared to fight for it.
Nilay Bandopadhyay
Bangalore
A father looked after his five children and yet today, he has only one child to look after him. A sense of responsibility is not something you can thrust upon a person. You are really fortunate to have such a kind and responsible husband. Being his better half, you too should be similarly large-hearted.
Mitali Palit
Ranchi
Considering the way people treat their in-laws today, it’s really impressive that you are so concerned about yours. You should be happy that you have such a kind husband who is so caring of his father. But he should definitely talk to his siblings about this issue. They should also shoulder their responsibility and not leave your husband to do it alone.
Saurabh Dhanuka
Salt Lake
Everyone takes undue advantage of a truly good human being. That’s exactly what your husband’s siblings are doing — cleverly putting the entire burden of their ailing father on his shoulders. If your husband doesn’t want to talk to them you should take the initiative and tell them that they ought to take equal responsibility of their father.
Jang Bahadur Singh
Jamshedpur
For most men today, ‘family’ consists of his wife and children. Parents are usually nowhere in the picture. And their wives like it that way. You can request your husband to talk to his siblings about sharing the medical expenses of their father but if they are not willing to do so, it would be better not to press it. Your ailing father-in-law will be even more depressed if his children start fighting amongst themselves over his medical expenses.
Soumendra Datta
Baguiati
What would you do if it were your father and not your father-in-law? Would you leave him in the lurch just because no one else was willing to look after him? Your husband is doing what a good son is supposed to do. You should be proud of him. Try to help him financially. If that’s not possible, give him moral support. You will have a happier family.
C.A.S. Chaudhuri
Guwahati
What’s the problem if a devoted son is taking care of his ailing 70-year-old father? I feel you are speaking out of jealousy. In fact, you should be proud of your husband. If doing his duty gives him satisfaction, opposing him will only add trouble to your domestic life. You should encourage him and help him carry out his duties.
Pramod K. Sahoo
Sambalpur
He is your husband’s father after all. If your husband is ready to bear the expenses of his treatment, let him. If his siblings are heartless enough to shirk their responsibilities towards their father, there is no point in expecting much from them. But, of course, you can always talk to them and try to sort things out.
Priyanka Banerjee
Calcutta
The other siblings are taking you for a ride. Since your husband does not even ask them to contribute, they are quite happy to avoid shelling out money. You should make it clear that each one of them is equally responsible for his or her father and should contribute towards his treatment. Handle the situation with tact but also with firmness.
Dr Anjana Maitra
Koel Nagar, Rourkela
A man like your husband is indeed a rarity these days. But, if you are having problems making both ends meet, you should tell him frankly that you respect him for being a dutiful son but he has his duties as a husband and a father too. He must ask his siblings to share the expenses of their father’s treatment. That is their duty.
Kakali Mukherjee
Calcutta
You are lucky that you have the opportunity to serve an elderly family member. Your husband’s siblings should also look after him, but no power on earth can compel them to do so.Your husband knows that his words will have no effect on them and so he’s not wasting his time. If everyone becomes selfish, who will take care of the aged?
Archana Mukherjee
Jamshedpur
There is no doubt that your husband is a very generous and loving person, which is really rare in today’s day and age. It is a shame that your husband’s siblings are not sharing the cost of their father’s treatment. But don’t stop your husband from doing his duties towards his sick father. In fact, you should be proud of his sincerity.
Vinay Shreshtha
Salkia
expert eye
You have to be rational, yet sensitive, in dealing with this issue. Everybody loves his or her parents and your husband is no exception. If you consider the situation only as a matter of duty towards your father-in-law, without understanding the feelings of your husband, there will be conflict in your family.
It appears that your husband is not very comfortable about asking for money from his siblings. He feels that if others ignore their duties towards their father, that is their choice. Obviously, he is more particular about fulfilling his own responsibilities rather than making others aware of their duties.
But, with due respect to your husband, he needs to be a bit more practical. Tell him tactfully that you appreciate him being responsible for his father but also make him realise that he does not need to shoulder the responsibility of looking after his father all on his own. Make sure that he understands that if there are any problems, he can always count on you to support him. However, he must realise that he needs to strike a balance between all his duties. He certainly cannot ignore your needs.
For a proper solution to this problem you need to sit down and discuss it at length. The situation will definitely change if you deal with it maturely.
