CALENDAR GIRLS (A)
Director: Madhur Bhandarkar
Cast: Kyra Dutt, Satarupa Pyne, Ruhi Singh, Avani Modi,
Akanksha Puri, Suhel Seth, Indraneil Sengupta
Running time: 132 minutes

One of the five Calendar Girls pursuing a Bollywood career gets to know that Madhur Bhandarkar is calling the shots on the next floor in the studio. She squeals as if Christopher Nolan has incepted her stellar. She runs over and for the next five minutes gives a madhur bhaashan about the epic qualities of Bhandarkar cinema as the man listens and basks in glory.

The only teeny-weeny problem: The film’s written and directed by Madhur himself. Only in Bollywood can a filmmaker indulge in such shameless self-patting, trying to manufacture a public halo which has long faded.

Tacky, sleazy and often grotesque, Calendar Girls starts off almost as a soft-porn film and then steers into the usual sensationalist spaces that Madhur has made a career out of. But what was once novel and shocking, comes off as tired and hackneyed and more like a grocery list being ticked off. There’s no new expose, only exposure.

That too from newcomers who wouldn’t get past the first round of auditions in any respectable production. With the A-listers having deserted him, Madhur lines up a cast who need subtitles to explain the emotions they are expressing.

We are never shown how these five girls got selected for the most coveted calendar shoot of the country — Oo la la la le o all right, with Suhel Seth playing a louder version of the king of good times — but they land up in Mauritius from everywhere. Mayuri (Ruhi Singh) from Rohtak, Paroma (Satarupa Pyne) from Calcutta, Nandita (Akanksha Puri) from Hyderabad, Sharon (Kyra Dutt) from Goa, and Pakistani girl Nazneen (Avani Modi) from London. 

Yes, national integration with just a hint of impending cross-border controversy.

They strut their stuff, get plastered on walls, are spotted by  modelling agencies and movie directors, and start their careers in Mumbai. Then one breaking news after the other tumbles out of Bhandarkar’s kitchen of controversies. Some recipes he has used before — escorts, yet again — while some are new — cricket betting — as the girls are hurled into darkness and despair.

If his content hasn’t changed a wee bit, Madhur’s making remains as shoddy as ever. First the Tabus and Konkonas and then the Priyankas and Kareenas would bail him out of the mess with their presence and performance. But now what’s actually exposed is his mediocre direction in almost every department.

All the five girls are more lead (the metal) than lead material. The two from Calcutta, Kyra and Satarupa, are marginally better than the rest. In the middle of high-strung melodramatic acts, Indraneil is refreshing in a cameo.

There’s actually a charming 2003 British comedy called Calendar Girls starring Helen Mirren and Julie Waters who along with four others pose nude for a calendar to raise money for leukaemia research. That was based on a true story. This one tries to rob true stories from public consciousness to make a whole lot of noise and pad it up with a whole lot of T and A.
Strike off your date with Madhur’s Calendar Girls. That is if you ever had one.

Pratim D. Gupta
Madhur Bhandarkar is an overrated filmmaker because....
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