Feminism has been given a bad name. As though expecting equal rights is an outrageous demand and prejudice is something that should be taken lying down. But even people who are feminists or want to be feminists, stumble against the boulders of their social conditioning and bigotry so deep-rooted, it’s hard to perceive the world afresh sometimes. But now we have a handbook.

When the award-winning Nigerian writer, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie received a letter from her childhood friend Ijeawele asking her if she had advice on how to bring up her baby daughter as a feminist, the author of Americanah and We Should All Be Feminists responded with a 15-point manifesto on Facebook. They have now been compiled into a little book titled Dear Ijeawele or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions (Fourth Estate, Rs 250). It’s a book for just about everyone.

Here are some things that hit home....

Excerpts from Chimamanda’s Feminist Manifesto

Can you reverse X and get the same results? For example, many people believe that a woman’s feminist response to a husband’s infidelity should be to leave. But I think staying can also be a feminist choice, depending on the context. If Chudi sleeps with another woman and you forgive him, would the same be true if you slept with another man? If the answer is yes then your choosing to forgive him can be a feminist choice because it is not shaped by a gender inequality. Sadly, the reality in most marriages is that the answer to that question would often be no, and the reason would be gender-based — that absurd idea of ‘men will be men.’

People will selectively use “tradition” to justify anything. Tell her that a double-income family is actually the true Igbo tradition because in pre-colonial times, mothers farmed and traded.

Our culture lauds the idea of women who are able to “do it all” but does not question the premise of that praise. I have no interest in the debate about women “doing it all” because it is a debate that assumes that care-giving and domestic work are exclusively female domains, an idea that I strongly reject. Domestic work and care-giving should be gender-neutral.

“Because you are a girl” is never a reason for anything. Ever.

Beware the danger of what I call Feminism Lite. Feminism Lite uses the language of “allowing”. Theresa May is the British Prime Minister and here is how a progressive British newspaper described her husband: “Philip May is known in politics as a man who has taken a back seat and allowed his wife, Theresa, to shine.” Allowed.

Teach her that if you criticize X in women but do not criticize X in men, then you do not have a problem with X, you have a problem with women. For X, please insert inter alia: anger, loudness, stubbornness, coldness, ruthlessness.

Never speak of marriage as an achievement. Find ways to make clear to her that marriage is not an achievement nor is it what she should aspire to. A marriage can be happy or unhappy but it is not an achievement. We condition girls to aspire to marriage and we do not condition boys to aspire to marriage, and so there is already a terrible imbalance at the start.... In a truly just society, women should not be expected to make marriage-based changes that men are not expected to make. Here’s a nifty solution — each couple that marries should take on an entirely new surname, chosen however they want to as long as both agree to it, so that a day after the wedding, both husband and wife can hold hands and joyfully journey off to the municipal offices to change their passports, drivers licenses, signatures, initials, bank accounts, etc.

Be deliberate also about showing her the enduring beauty and resilience of Africans and of black people. Why? Because of the power dynamics in the world, she will grow up seeing images of white beauty, white ability, and white achievement, no matter where she is in the world. It will be in the TV shows she watches, in the popular culture she consumes, in the books she reads.

If she likes make-up, let her wear it. If she likes fashion, let her dress up. But if she doesn’t like either let her be. Don’t think that raising her feminist means forcing her to reject femininity. Feminism and femininity are not mutually exclusive.

Never ever link sexuality and shame. Or nakedness and shame. Do not ever make “virginity” a focus. Every conversation about virginity becomes a conversation about shame. Teach her to reject the linking of shame and female biology. Why were we raised to speak in low tones about periods? To be filled with shame if our menstrual blood happened to stain our skirt?

I was recently in a roomful of young women and was struck by how much of the conversation was about men — what terrible things men had done to them, this man cheated, this man lied, this man promised marriage and disappeared, this husband did this and that.
And I realized, sadly, that the reverse is not true. A roomful of men do not invariably end up talking about women — and if they do, it is more likely to be in objectifying flippant terms rather than as lamentations of life. Why?

Teach her never ever to say such nonsense as “my money is my money and his money is our money”. It is vile. And dangerous — to have that attitude means that you must potentially accept other harmful ideas as well. Teach her that it is NOT a man’s role to provide. In a healthy relationship, it is the role of whoever can provide to provide.

Compiled by Ramona Sen
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