I am a 21-year-old boy. I am in love with a girl and we’ve been going around for some time now. I’m serious about her and want to continue this relationship. But recently my girlfriend’s mother got a little close to me and we ended up making love. Now, I am afraid that if my girlfriend comes to know about this somehow, I might lose her forever. But again, I just can’t get her mother out of my head. Please help.

Taran, via e-mail

Given the tough economic conditions, just treat this as a BOGOF situation: buy one and get one free: as simple. And for god’s sake why are you being moral with me? This is the best situation possible and to my mind you should continue with this as far as possible. I am in fact envious of your situation and have often wondered why God has not given me your kind of luck. Make hay while the mother is benevolent, son…

My problem is that I get tempted to watch porn pretty often. I do it secretly at night when my parents fall asleep. This is hampering my studies . Please help me out.

Name and address withheld

Just don’t worry: I believe porn is any day better than Shakespeare or for that matter Nazrul Geeti. I believe porn will help you expand your mind (and other body parts as well) I don’t think you should ever give it up. In fact why don’t you make it your life’s purpose? Why don’t you become India’s first love-porn guru. There are so many of those johnnies doing it in any case in the garb of various arts, so why don’t you just come out of the closet, son?

I am a 15-year old boy. I am in love with a classmate for the past two years. These days I feel that I am in this relationship under compulsion. My girlfriend pressurises me to do stuff that I don’t want to. This is becoming pretty obnoxious. Since she is very emotional, I am finding it tough to break up as well. To top it all, staying in this relationship is distracting me from studies. Hence my parents are also dead against this relationship. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Nothing is tough. Just dump the gorgon and carry on with your life. How long must you suffer and that too at the tender age of 15? You have a life ahead of you. You can’t be stopped in your life’s journey of debauchery by some silly girl who wants to have her way. Show her who the man is and then after that show her the door. We have plenty of women and we don’t need to be scared.

I am a 20-year-old man. I have fallen in love with my chemistry teacher. I keep fanaticising about her whenever she’s teaching us. That I have feelings for her is something that the entire college has found out and other professors hate me for this. This is taking a toll on my studies and my results are suffering immensely. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Chemistry teacher? That’s a new one. In my days, the hottest teachers were the ones who taught inane subjects such as English and Arts. In fact during my school days, the prettiest woman in all of Calcutta was my arts teacher and we were all a bit like you except she never gave us the time of day. Chemistry should be very interesting. But just remember one thing, if you screw up, she will have the keys to the acid. If you are fine with this, then you have my blessings, son… u

I am a 47-year-old man. My wife keeps nagging me all the time. She has problems with almost everything I do. She has issues no matter what I do — partying late night with friends, drinking or smoking. I am sick and tired of all this. What should I do?

Mayank, via e-mail

Look, even I am tired of this genre of question. Just kill her or maim her or send her to her goddamn mother’s but just don’t keep bothering me with what is the reality with almost every married man. These are the choices you make. Stay single and you’ll be happy. Get married and you will suffer and this is exactly what happens!

I am a 17-year-old boy. I am very attracted to a classmate. I keep thinking about him during classes. My other friends tell me that my feelings are not normal. Is it okay to be attracted to a guy? Please help me out.

Name and address withheld

Sure, what do you think the gay movement is all about? Being attracted to Mamata Banerjee or what? Use you silly little head son. If you want to romp with a lad, go ahead and do it but please don’t share the details with us. We are still normal and would like to remain so.

I am a 13-year-old girl. I wear braces and my friends keep teasing me about it. Due to this, I have become conscious of the way I look and hate stepping out of the house. I’ve begun to keep to myself most of the time. Please help.

Lalita, via e-mail

Remove the damn braces if they are causing you so much social pain, darling. And in any event you are only 13. You are better off with braces now rather than having bad teeth when you grow older. So my suggestion is keep the braces and stay at home. You will have a better future.

I am a 29-year-old guy. I have major commitment issues. I keep dating women of all age but am afraid to commit. However, my family is pressurising me to get married now. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Obviously, do not get married. And keep serial dating. It is the best thing and I completely agree with you. Why opt for an à la carte menu when you can have the pick of the buffet, son?

I am a 34-year-old man. I have fallen in love with a woman who is eight years elder to me. I want to marry her but my parents are against this. What should I do?

Just dump the woman. Why marry someone who is going to look like your mother when there are so many options and all this love thing with an older woman is a lot of crap. The men are always unhappy in the long run especially when instead of shopping for lingerie you have to buy her dentures. That is when the reality will hit you and hit you really hard!

I am a 20-year-old woman. Few years ago, I fell in love with a boy. The relationship lasted only for few months and we broke off amicably. However, I still love him and he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend either. I become emotional when I talk to him and end up getting distracted from my studies. Should I stop talking to him? I don’t want him to end up hating me.

You must talk to him and strengthen your knees. There is no point losing a friend in a world such as the one we live in which is why the best thing to do is to make sure you preserve your friendship without having to read too much into it. That is the best and perhaps the safest way.

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park
Calcutta 700025
Ph: 24191174

E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com

For free help on alcoholism
Contact: Volunteers on line
Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432

Free, anonymous and confidential tele helpline service giving emotional support for people who are depressed, distressed or suicidal
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Monday through Saturdays

Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)

AE-36, Rabindra Pally,
P.- Prafulla Kanan
Calcutta — 700 101
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529 9856

Tele-counselling and face-to-face counselling on issues concerning relationships, sex education and free and confidential testing, counselling and information on HIV & AIDS

Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Fridays

Kornash (The lifestyle management school )

139B Rashbehari Avenue,
Calcutta — 700 029
Ph: 9830149919

Interactive sessions on personality enhancement, stress reduction, lifestyle management, behavioural modification for children, marital counselling and psychotherapy

Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.,
Mondays through Saturdays

Society for nature, education and health (sneh)

Flat — 2B, 48/1, Chakraberia
Road (North) Calcutta — 700 020
Ph: 2486 7404, 2486 1940
E-mail: sneh@cal2.vsnl.net.in

Psychotherapy for children,adolescents and adults suffering from behavioural and emotional problems

Timings: 10.00 a.m. to 5.00 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays