I am a 20-year-old woman. Of late, my friends have begun to tease me because I’ve started to grey already — I have a lot of grey hair now. They have even gone to the extent of creating a matrimonial profile for me that says I am a 50-year-old divorcee. And what’s worse is that they put my real phone number on the profile and now I am getting calls from older men. I am changing my number but how can I get back at my friends?

Name and address withheld

Join the club, darling. I too have salt and pepper hair and there are two kinds of girls who I attract: ones who think I am India’s answer to George Clooney and those who think I look like Lord Meghnad Desai: since both are eminent blokes in their field, I am not distressed, and besides the hair has always helped me in scoring with women. Now to your problem: don’t bother getting back at anyone. When you get someone like Salman Khan proposing to you, they will automatically die a thousand deaths and trust me, smart men love women with some grey hair even if the grey matter is absent. There is something sexy about young girls going grey: trust me I know this game pretty well. So, just relax and keep preying for some young men.

I am a 35-year-old man. I have to move to USA soon for two years as I have been relocated there for my job. However, I am very family-oriented and have never lived away from my parents. This separation sounds very scary to me. What should I do to survive in a foreign land?

Name and address withheld

Just live in New Jersey: they have a nice little place called Edison and every one there is Indian. They wear Indian clothes; they eat Indian food; they even watch Indian tear-jerkers and what’s worse, even their body odour is typically Indian: you know a mix of tandoori chicken and onions. So if you live in Edison, you will never miss your parents or for that matter your motherland. There are enough old people there too who will be willing to play your parents. Even the traffic signs are in Hindi: how better can it get, son?

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park, Calcutta - 25,
Ph: 2419 1174
For free help on alcoholism
E-mail: akolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com
(2p.m. to 6p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)

Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics)

Ph : 8420738682
(2p.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)
www.india.al-anon.alateen.org

Narcotics anonymous

(Kolkata area helpline)
Ph: 9836223071; www.nakolkata.org
Email: info@nakolkata.org
Self-help group of recovering addicts

HelpAge India

1800-345-1253
Free helpline for the elderly for social, legal, economical, financial counselling and also access to government schemes and policies

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free helpline for the depressed or suicidal (10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturdays)

Sparsha

AE-36, Rabindra Pally, PO: Prafulla Kanan, Calcutta - 01
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529, 9856
Free tele-counselling and one-on-one counselling on personal relationships and HIV/ AIDS (10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Fridays)