Arundhati Roy

So let Nandigram burn, what’s it to me? I am not going to pontificate on everything under the sun anymore. Let me, instead, deal with some real people’s issues. Something like, is pink truly the new black? And I think it’s time I made up with Ram Guha. One long article lamming Bengalis should do the trick.

Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee

I must go and buy this music album called The Dark Side of the Moon that sundry people have been urging me to get hold of. It’s by a group called the Pink Floyd (I would have preferred Red, but I’ll cope with pink). Some former intellectuals have asked me to carefully listen to a song there called Us and Them which apparently begins with the words: “Us and Them/And after all we’re only ordinary men.” I wonder why they want me to listen to this song. Must be because I am so good with culture.

Aishwarya Rai

I looked into the mirror today, giggled a bit, and decided that as Mrs Bachchan Junior, I must stop this dreadful habit of laughing without a cause. In fact, I must try not to laugh even when there’s cause. I can pick up some tips from Mama Jaya. After all, a family that glowers together, stays together.

S. Sreesanth

I should put my talents to good use. No, I don’t mean bowling, though there are some who believe it can do with some honing. I am talking about my natural flair for dancing and hamming. I’ll be the next Shah Rukh Khan, which means I can continue to hang out with the boys in blue.

Taslima Nasreen

This year, I have decided that I am going to make a lot of people happy. I don’t mean that I am going to stop writing stuff on maulvis and men. Nor does it mean that I am going to write a novel on my cat, Minu — for these animal rights types, you know, can be pretty volatile, too. No, I have decided that I am going to stop writing altogether. Now that’s going to make a lot of people happy.

Medha Patkar

Now that I have taken care of all the N’s — Narmada and Nandigram — I should now move to . Should I organise a candle light vigil for the Orang Outang? Is the oboe being marginalised? Does Ouagadougou deserve to be the capital of Burkina Faso?

Manmohan Singh

I am going to call the Karats over for some sarson da saag and lassi. Gursharan will take care of Brinda — though I must remind the Missus not to talk about ghazals with her, but concentrate on Woodstock instead. I will discuss Ian Rankin with Prakash. We’ll get along like a house on fire. Or do I mean like a house of cards?

Mahendra Singh Dhoni

Hmm, this year I think I need to do something about my hair. Should I iron it, or tease it? What will Deepika Padukone like? Perhaps I should perm it, or maybe get some bounce. And speaking of bounce, I might as well focus on cricket, too, while I am at it. For, in a world ruled by the BCCI, you are hair today, gone tomorrow.

Sonia Gandhi

I think I should improve my accent. That day in Gujarat, when I was merely urging the business-minded Patels to sign more deals (Sauda kar, was what I said) somebody thought I was calling Modi a saudagar. I really need to do something about my accent. But before that, I must send out greeting cards, wishing everybody a Happy Nuke Year. Did I say Nuke? Oops.

Ratan Tata

Enough of cars. This year, it’s going to be the common man’s aeroplane. Not the Air Deccan type, I mean private jets. We’ll take India’s traffic to its skies. That will take care of traffic jams on the roads, so there will be no need for Jaguars and Land Rovers either. And that will also teach those Orient Express guys a few things.