Breaking bread? Check the chemical content. (AFP picture)

When North Carolina, for the gift of their daily bread, went to the polls this year to forgive us our trespasses worldwide, little did they suspect that their nations red zone would soon be subscribing to their Patriarch?s obsession with Tom Wolfe?s ?racy new beer and sex-soaked novel?, I am Charlotte Simmons, that won last year?s ?Bad Sex Award? in the island nation across the Atlantic that strummed to their tunes.

That middle-aged Georgie Porgy who was a bit of a jock in Yale and led by a nose or lost by a neck, or vice-versa or whatever, to a smoocher called Gore, is of no concern to us Calcuttans except for my extraneous reference to Caroliners being grateful for the ?bread? they receive.

To get to the point, this morning I was shocked to read about the breads we eat and how their chemical parameters didn?t match up to Canadian Standards ? although why or how the geographical or biological implications of arctic North America should influence our breakfasts and sandwiches was beyond my comprehension. What, for instance, was implied by the fact that the only area in which our manufactured bread conformed to approved standards was in its alcoholic acidity! Are we talking about fungi and green edges or simple biological degradation? How else could we possibly be up to par in just one aspect ? the one left for us consumers to conform to, or simply eat the bread fresh?

Funnily, in terms of fat, protein, carbohydrate, calcium, sodium and kilocalories of energy content, almost all the breads ran neck to neck. But neither the Prevention of Food Adulteration Act (PFA) nor the Bureau of Indian Standards (BIS) has any specifications for bacterial, mould or Ecoli content which combine and conspire to turn our fresh bread mouldy first and fungal-green a few days later.

The Internationally permissible extent of colonisation of bacteria in our bread is 50,000 microscopic homesteads in one gram. To my (g)astronomical consternation, our major brands of white bread averaged 126,666 little colonies per gram. If only that were the end of this little grim fairytale. Now, for those of you who insist on eating brown breads for unearthly reasons and finally acquire a taste for it, three popular brands were even more densely populated than West Bengal with the best having a bustee of 210,000 shacks per gram and the worst a staggering chawl of 43,000,000 dwellers per gram ? you might call it the successful gram-ine bank of bacteria that reaches every household and offers long term interest free service to our intestinal canals.

Of course the only good thing about all this hullabaloo is that almost none of the brands tested are marketed in Calcutta. There is not much we have to be grateful in having been left behind while the rest of the country moved on, but this surely is one fact that we can rejoice over. And yet, ask any Bengali and he will confirm unequivocally that our bread, our kacha paoruti, gives you ambol, acidity! The diurnal lament of misguided hogs.

So who needs breads, sliced or whole, brown or white, anyway. I plan to end this piece by giving you a happy substitute that you can easily make very quickly at home and enjoy at breakfast time or even over a cuppa tea in the evening. Alternatively, here?s a short list of fabulous Calcutta bakeries that some of you may wish to patronise or purchase and convert into export houses of some more products manufactured by the honest and cheap labourers of Bengal.

Milon Bread Rolls, Kajol Rusks, Milton Bakery Buns, I. Saldanha, Barua?s Special Bread, Kajol Tea Time Toast, Ashoke Plain Bread, Russian Bakery, Speciall Butter Toast, and for those die-hard Calcuttans who have the stomach for it and wish to get a trifle adventurous, there?s always our very own Flurys, the Nuevo joints like Kathleen, Kookie Jar, Baker?s Square and of course, the unquestionable Nahoum?s. Surely that?s enough for starters?

Now here?s to some shenanigans that children can join in to have fun with their mums, and even clumsy dads, in the kitchen.

Pancake Droppies (or flat butter scones)

Serves 4

Ingredients:

8 oz/1 2/3 cups flour, 1 heaped tablespoon sugar, 1/8 teaspoon salt, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon cream of tartar, 5 fl oz milk, 1 teaspoon bicarbonate of a little butter for greasing

Method:

Soda the pan, pre-heat an iron griddle or pan, sift the flour, salt, cream of tartar and bicarbonate of soda together into a bowl and then stir in sugar.

Beat the egg and milk together and then gradually add it to the dry ingredients, beating until you have a thick, bubbly batter.

Grease the griddle and drop a spoonful of batter on to the surface, enough to make a small pancake, about 3 ? inches in diameter. When after a few seconds you see bubbles appearing on the surface, turn the pancake over and cook the other side. (It should be a light, even brown.)

Work on, cooking 3-4 pancakes at a time. Stack the completed pancakes in a warm oven, covered with a towel.

Serve them warm and freshly spread with butter and honey, jam, marmalade or the preserve of your idiosyncratic choice.

?Slither, slither, slither, slither went the tongue...? in Wolfe?s sexy classic that is sizzling Washington D.C., but you can use the idea to wipe the butter off the face of the pancake, as I once used to, before devouring it whole. These little pancakes or droppy butter scones, as our old Mugh cook used to call them, are also sometimes called Scotch pancakes; but ?Droppies? is phonetically such a wonderful name for something that can become a hot family favourite that will soon become a little ceremony of fun for all in the family ? including your dog who can be taught to catch them like frisbees out of the air !