ADVERTISEMENT
Go back to
Copyright © 2021 The Telegraph Online. All rights reserved.
Home » My Kolkata » People » The week that should have been

satire

The week that should have been

My Kolkata looks at how the past seven days transpired in a parallel universe, tongue permanently in cheek

Priyam Marik | Published 15.01.22, 03:59 PM
Virat Kohli has been talking as much to the stump mic and the South African batsmen as to his teammates this week

Virat Kohli has been talking as much to the stump mic and the South African batsmen as to his teammates this week

TT archives

Two weeks into 2022 and lawyers are already working overtime after The International Board for Monitoring New Year’s Resolutions (IBMNYR) files thousands of cases across the world against clients who have already breached their annual contracts.

Elsewhere, Omicron remains wild but mild, Virat Kohli reaches new heights of communication by sledging a stump mic, and NATO and Vladimir Putin are behaving like two Tinder users who just want to chat, but nothing more (friends with emojis, or so they are called).

ADVERTISEMENT

Wondering what else happened while you sulked in solitude and got hit on by Swiggy? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

January 10

Donald Trump has congratulated 'Tim Apple' for standing up to Chinese tech

Donald Trump has congratulated 'Tim Apple' for standing up to Chinese tech

TT archives
  • Apple celebrates its recent valuation of $3 trillion by opening three iPhone manufacturing centres in Cambodia, where the highest valued company in the world plans to set the record for the lowest wages. An Apple spokesperson, however, has assured that unlike Amazon, Apple will allow its workers to take toilet breaks while on duty.
  • Speaking of toilet breaks, Fox News’ segment on urine therapy as a form of alternative medicine to combat Covid-19 has led to No-vax Djokovic coming out in support of…well…taking the pi**. According to the Serbian and his wellness guru Chervin Jafarieh, it is a “perfect example of internal recycling and self-contained healing”.

January 11

Mahinda Rajapaksa considers approaching Saudi Arabia for a loan since Saudi prince Mohammed bin Salman is not a cricket fan

Mahinda Rajapaksa considers approaching Saudi Arabia for a loan since Saudi prince Mohammed bin Salman is not a cricket fan

TT archives
  • Sri Lankan Prime Minister Mahinda Rajapaksa cancels talks with Chinese premier Xi Jinping on seeking further loans after China inserts a clause that would involve Sri Lanka supplying the Chinese with their best finger spinners for the next 10 years. “I understand that China is desperate to win the 2031 Cricket World Cup, but our spinners are a natural resource that we will not trade. If the Chinese need individuals who are masters of spin, they should look no further than the reporters in their news agencies,” proclaims a defiant Rajapaksa.
  • Bihar’s Brahmdeo Mandal, who has managed to take 11 doses involving a combination of Covid vaccines, has been asked to travel to the least vaccinated districts of his state and hug whoever remains unvaccinated. Municipal corporations in Bihar have pledged to take care of Mandal’s travel and logistical needs.

January 12

Boris Johnson denies allegations that he was drenched in champagne during his back garden party

Boris Johnson denies allegations that he was drenched in champagne during his back garden party

TT archives
  • Boris Johnson refuses to apologise in the House of Commons for having accidentally walked into a party in his own back garden while the rest of the United Kingdom was in lockdown during the summer of 2020.
  • After TATA is announced as the new title sponsor of the IPL, the BCCI reveals several fresh categories of prizes to be presented after every IPL match this season. The Tanishq Diamond of the Match will go to the game’s most decisive player, the TATA Steel Unbreakable Bond of the Match will go to the game’s most important partnership and the TATA Salt Sore Loser of the Match will go to whoever declines to shake a particularly potent Board official’s hand during the presentation.

January 13

Kangana Ranaut submits a formal request to the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting to kick start a fresh set of awards that respects the artistes of Atmanirbhar Bharat

Kangana Ranaut submits a formal request to the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting to kick start a fresh set of awards that respects the artistes of Atmanirbhar Bharat

TT archives
  • Kangana Ranaut calls out “the privileged West” and its “narrow, anti-India outlook” after the Golden Globe Awards overlook her stellar performances as the fearless scourge of nepotism on television debates.
  • Former Union Minister Harsh Vardhan, who once said that the Vedas were regarded by Stephen Hawking as superior to Albert Einstein’s theories, shrugs off the transplanting of a pig’s heart into a human body by American surgeons as a major achievement: “The Americans are a few thousand years behind us. In the Vedas we have proof of a boar’s head being transplanted onto Varaha, who was an avatar of Vishnu and saved the very planet America is dominating today.” 

January 14

Kylie Jenner credits her incredible Instagram following to “organic growth” and a “transparent, no-nonsense image”

Kylie Jenner credits her incredible Instagram following to “organic growth” and a “transparent, no-nonsense image”

TT archives
  • On becoming the first woman to hit 300 million followers on Instagram, Kylie Jenner opens another Instagram account, which will feature exclusive content about her second child, who the paparazzi speculate has just been born. The new account, with a grand total of zero posts, has amassed 90 million followers so far, more than those of Lady Gaga and Barack Obama combined.
  • A Myanmar court sentences ousted leader Aung San Suu Kyi to 20 years of house arrest for not being confined to a small enough house during her previous spells of house arrest. World leaders, diplomats and woke celebrities jump on social media to express their heartfelt sympathies for Suu Kyi. Buckingham Palace declares that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will personally honour Suu Kyi for her tenacity once the latter’s conviction expires in 2042. Meanwhile, Prince Charles pops a few more sleeping pills.
Virat Kohli holds back from criticising PuRane (the two-member batting club of Cheteshwar Pujara and Ajinkya Rahane) for not chanting enough on the field

Virat Kohli holds back from criticising PuRane (the two-member batting club of Cheteshwar Pujara and Ajinkya Rahane) for not chanting enough on the field

TT archives
  • Following India’s comprehensive defeat to South Africa in the third Test match at Cape Town, captain Virat Kohli joins the press conference straight from the pitch, speaking exclusively into the stump mic. “I know where we lost the game and it hurts. We fell short by about 50 to 75 ‘come on, boys’ chants in the first innings. That proved to be the difference,” admits Kohli. The press conference ends abruptly when the stump mic retorts with: “Gimme a break”.
Last updated on 15.01.22, 05:01 PM
Share:
ADVERTISEMENT

More from My Kolkata