THE PROBLEM I am a 26-year-old married woman. Recently, we have discovered that my mother-in-law has been having an affair with a man for a long time. Will it be right to tell my father-in-law about this and give him a shock at this age (65 years)? But won’t we be equally guilty if we do not divulge this matter to him? Name and address withheld | |
| Since your father-in-law is 65 years old, I am assuming that your mother-in-law would be at least 55 years old. Till date she has done a brilliant job of keeping the affair a secret and has managed to maintain a good relationship with your father-in-law. So, I would request you not to interfere in their lives. In fact, you should help her keep her secret. Focus on your own married life, but please don’t follow your mother-in-law’s example! | |
| Rumpali Mukherjee | |
| Calcutta | |
| Your situation is really embarrassing, but there are times when many of us have to face such situations. Talk to your mother-in-law. I suppose she will realise that the matter is not a secret any more. Give her another chance and forgive her. Divulging the matter to your father-in-law will only create problems in the family. | |
| K. Jha | |
| Jamshedpur | |
| Your mentioning the words ‘we discovered’ in the letter implies that you must have had a discussion with your husband on this matter. But you have not divulged his reaction or opinion, which is crucial, because, after all, this is about his parents. Talk to your mother-in-law, but be gentle and sympathetic. She might be willing to stay away from this illicit relationship once she realises that you are aware of it. If she still doesn’t mend her ways, tell your father-in-law. | |
| K.R. Choudhury | |
| Siliguri | |
| I don’t think there’s any point in trying to conceal the matter from your father-in-law because sooner or later, he’ll come to know about it. In fact, it’ll be worse if he comes to know about it from someone outside the family. | |
| Anadi Mitra | |
| Kharagpur | |
| Does your husband know about this? If he doesn’t, tell him immediately. Both of you should first talk to the man who you think your mother-in-law is having an affair with. And don’t be polite with him. I suppose the matter will end there. If it continues, take the help of other family members but don’t tell your father-in-law, as it might give him a shock. | |
| Tapas Kar | |
| Durgapur | |
| Don’t interfere in your in-laws’ lives. If your mother-in-law is having an affair, let her have a nice time. I think there must be something seriously wrong between your parents-in-law. A 65-year-old man is no child that he would be oblivious to what his wife has been doing for many years. It is quite possible that your father-in-law loves his freedom and enjoys every moment of it while his wife makes somebody else’s life miserable! | |
| Kalyan Ghosh | |
| Calcutta | |
| Don’t shock your father-in-law at this age with such terrible news. You’d better talk to your mother-in-law first and try and find out about the matter from her. Her husband might be at fault as well. Try and convince her that it’s not right to carry on like this, as some day this might have an ill effect on the whole family.. | |
| Tanushri Akuli | |
| Calcutta | |
| First collect some concrete evidence and then talk to your mother-in-law. Hold your peace if she acknowledges her guilt and promises to put an end to her illicit relationship. But if she refuses, divulge everything to your father-in-law. But you must handle the entire situation tactfully as this trauma could prove to be fatal for your father-in-law. | |
| Pradip Kumar Rajhans | |
| Deoghar | |
| Talk to your mother-in-law, be understanding and patient with her. Perhaps she has taken such a step due to some marital problem or mental disturbance. Assure her that you are always there for her. Convince her that there is no need for such illicit relationships. You might even try and take her to a psychologist. Inform your father-in-law about everything, but at a suitable time and very carefully. | |
| Ashish Kr. Dutta | |
| Calcutta | |
| One can’t be absolutely sure that the relationship you assume to be an ‘affair’ is indeed that. Maybe it is only a platonic friendship that has matured with age and time. Moreover, being a daughter-in-law, your position in the family is very delicate. It is better that you do not assume the role of a moral guardian . You should leave the senior folks at peace with their situation in life. | |
| Neelakshi Goswami | |
| Tezpur | |
| In the letter you have mentioned, “Recently, we discovered...” Who is the other person here? Is it your husband? Whoever it is, you can take his or her help to tell your mother-in-law that she is wrong to behave in this way. If she persists, tell your father-in-law immediately because he has got the right to know what his wife is doing. | |
| Siddharth Mukherjee | |
| Calcutta | |
| I cannot appreciate your negative thinking. Why can’t you take your mother-in-law’s friendship with a man positively? I, as a secretary of an NGO, know how old people crave for friends. We come across various cases where children neglect their parents. Your mother-in-law must be at least 55 years old and at this age she can’t be interested in sexual pleasures but only in friendship. Your father-in-law must be having friends too. So what’s wrong with his wife’s friendship? You should treat her as your own mother. You will gradually find that she is more interested in you than her friend. | |
| Saumya Datta | |
| Secretary, Centre for Development and Social Sciences, Calcutta | |
expert eye
mahuya ghosh
Consultant Psychologist
This matter needs a thorough discussion between you and your husband. I assume that you have told the incident to your husband and that you live with your parents-in-law. I also presume that you have concrete proof of this relationship. You need to consult with your husband and then decide on the next course of action.
Have a frank conversation with your mother-in-law first. Listen to her version of the story. It is quite possible that she was feeling lonely for some time and that her husband did not give her much company. Perhaps she found company and comfort in this man. She herself might feel compelled to confess it to her husband. She might even terminate this relationship altogether.
But if things do not go the way you wish them to, it would be wise to tell your father-in-law. He might as well learn about it rather than find out later and be equally shocked that both of you did not take him into confidence. By the way, are you absolutely sure that your father-in-law is completely unaware of this fact? If not, then you can’t really interfere. Since your in-laws are leading a peaceful life, it is advisable that you do not bother too much about the whole thing. Do not feel guilty about this. It is quite a delicate matter, so handle it gently, tactfully, and without hurting anybody’s feelings too much.
