Check out this new series preview from our very own J.K. Howling (not a printing error but a revelation). She?s actually a werewolf. She was bitten by none other than the famous Jenrir Greyback ? one who bit Professor Lupin.

Part I: Harry Potter and the Professor?s Groan: It is Harry?s first year at Bogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (which got its name from the Forbidden Bog in the heart of the Forbidden Forest, inside Bogwart?s premises. A dip in the bog gives you temporary warts all over your body. Fluffy, a giant three-headed dog, guards the bog and you can?t fool him by telling him to fetch a log.

Harry?s potion master is Severus Snape (who, according to Ron, seems to have walked straight out of Zee Horror Show)

Harry comes up with a brilliant idea (nasty, actually!). He puts a hex on Snape which leaves him with seven permanent boils (seven, being a powerful magical number) on his buttocks and he?s found groaning most of the time there after (the groans being particularly rhythmic during mornings when Snape visits the bathroom).

Part II: Harry Potter and the Danger of Cigarettes: Harry?s second year at Bogwarts is full of ?mad ventures?. Hagrid takes him to the forbidden forest to meet a giant spider, Aragog ? a boastful liar who says things like: ?Ya know! Once I bit a bloke called Peter Parker of USA and he didn?t die, rather got some of my powers and now calls himself Spiderman and keeps saying he was bitten by a radioactive spider. What a liar! We spiders never listen to radio!?

Their new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher, Gilderoy Blockheart, has a peculiar disease ? his heart keeps getting blocked for short spans which made his face change colours (sometimes very nauseous colours). Most disastrous part of the story ? Dumbledore gets addicted to smoking (Where?d the cigarettes come from ? Of course! Some mud-blood!)

On an occasion, Dumbledore faints in his bathtub and was rushed to St ?Bingo?s? Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, where he?s diagnosed of lung cancer! Way to go Dumby! Should?ve read the statutory warning!

Part III Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Pakistan: Harry?s third year at Bogwarts seems fine until he gets a letter from India?s Prime Minister, our cool Manmohan Singh, through Owl Post. India?s got too many owls and I?m not talking about the political leaders.

Dear Harry,

I, the Prime Minister of India; am in intense need of your help. I?ve heard a lot about your valour from a friend ? Late Smita Patil (a former actress and the aunt of your classmates, Parvati and Padma Patil). The President of our neighbour country Pakistan ? General PM is actually a Death Eater (Real name: Curious Malfoy, the cousin of Lucius Malfoy) He?s got an Indian citizen, Sarabjeet Singh, imprisoned and has sentenced him to death. Only you can fly him out to freedom. He?s innocent. Also, that nutter M can cough up a lot about your father?s murderer, Voldemort, if you force him to it.

Kindly help,
M S

Harry accedes to his request though later it turns out that Musharraf wasn?t a Death Eater after all (though he finds the idea of becoming one quite appealing). Clever old Manmohan!

Part IV Harry Potter and the Omelette on Hire: It is Harry?s fourth year at Bogwarts and love?s in the hair (or is it air? No, in Harry?s case its got to be the hair) he falls for the ravishing Cho Chang. Guess who else is hit by the Cupid?s arrow ? Draco Malfoy. A love triangle! But Cho goes for Harry. (That witch! Always had a penchant for the famous) leaving behind a sulking Draco. Harry mocks: ?So Cracko Hellboy, with your cracked brain, you never had a chance Ouch!? and sports a black eye for a week. Harry gets Chang expensive gifts but the gal says he should use his own money, instead of flaunting his parents?. With a bleeding ego Harry hatches a scheme. He cooks up a magical omelette and lends it on hire (seven gallons per hour) which if served to any foe, the smell would put the victim out cold for a week. Harry tries it on Snape.

Part V Harry Potter and Louder gets the Remix: It is Harry?s fifth year at Bogwarts and the fear of OWLS (like our Boards) fails to get love out of his head. He is losing it.

In a quidditch match against Ravenclaw, instead of searching for the golden snitch, he flies around with his eyes fixed upon Cho, mouth hanging lose and tumbles through a loop, flat on the ground. Madam Hooch barks: ?The quaffle?s supposed to go through the loop, not you Idiot!?

The four brothers (Ron, Fred, George and Percy) form a jazzy rock band, ?The Weird Brothers?, drawing inspiration from the famous ?Weird Sisters?, setting the stage of Bogwart on fire (literally).

Ron develops a deadly remix (more like ?Kaanta Laga?) which puts the audience off their rockers. Harry: ?Nice weapon against the Death Eaters!?. Dumbledore has a row with Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic Card and hums, ?Corny Gurdge, the git won?t budge? over Voldemort?s return.

Lastly, there?s a bloody battle at the ministry of Magic (Ron?s remix helps a lot). Harry?s godfather Sirius Black (call him Furious Black) gets killed, seemingly. Voldemort makes an appearance and so does Dumbledore, puffing a cigarette. The latter apparently having forgot his wand near an ashtray in his office, but wow! Dumbledore sticks his lit cigarette in Voldemorts? eye and he flees, howling with pain, with his tail between his legs or was it his snake, Nagini!

Part VI Harry Potter and the Half Boiled Fish: Harry?s sixth year at Bogwarts is full of surprises. They get a new potions master, Horace Slughorn, who has a knack for inviting his favourite students to Pyjama Parties, displaying his slug-collection (some say he eats them, Ewww!).

Meanwhile Sirius (Furious, Black I mean makes a comeback and he?s really ?furious?, apparently he?d got lost somewhere in Ministry of Magic.) He robs Voldemort of all his possessions, even his Horcruxes (where he stores his souls). Voldemort is forced to take up selling boiled fish for a living (he gets bashed up by a customer for a half-boiled fish and loses seven of his teeth, again magical number). He now wears a pirate-like eye-patch on one eye (due to cigarette-burn) but he vows to take vengeance.

Lastly, a tragedy occurs, Dumbledore hits the bucket. Yes! He dies of lung cancer leaving everyone weeping (even ?Resounding Chortle? ? the brother of Moaning Myrtle?) no it isn?t Snape who kills him.

Leave the poor guy alone. He?s got enough on his butts, no, plate.