I had read somewhere that "nothing prepares you for the loss of a parent. It drills a hole in your heart and leaves you lost and vulnerable to the whole world, whatever age you are".

I never felt it would be so true until I lost my mother recently.

I knew she was ill, with old age symptoms showing up. But, what was most worrying was that she was losing her memory. Phone conversations with her were being reduced to interactions only on the present. How are you? How is Papa? Have you eaten anything?

I coudn't even ask her whether she had taken her medicines. Because she couldn't remember. It was very painful for me. But for her, it was sheer happiness that she was able to talk to me. I was thankful... at least she knew who she was talking to.

With her condition deteriorating, she had to be hospitalised. It got critical by the day, in spite of doctors trying their best. I was by her side during her last days. She had been suffering from acute physical pain and had started to say, "I want to be relieved from this pain. I cannot bear it anymore. I have seen life full circle and it's time for me to say goodbye."

But towards the end, I actually saw her fighting death. She wanted to live. All her memories came back and she was talking non-stop, eager to get back home, working out plans about what she would do once she was home. She kept saying, "Please doctor, I want to go home."

Although her body was feeble, she fought bravely, just as she had led her life and faced every adversity head-on. But with her vital organs failing one by one, she lost the battle. We could do nothing but watch helplessly.

It actually sunk in much later that she was no more. Only the memories remained.

None of those phone calls when the first thing she would utter was, "when are you coming here?" None of those heart-to-heart chats and none of those caring hugs that you never get tired of whether you are 5 or 50.

A mother's loss leaves a hole in your heart, an emptiness which can never be filled. But I also discovered a great thing. We may not always realise this, but we derive all our inspiration and strength from our parents. Aren't they the ones we remember first during times of crisis, telling ourselves that dad or mom always believed in us? Don't we feel their presence in everything we do or face? That fighting spirit, which sometimes leaves us wondering, "where on earth did I get that from?" And doesn't it bring a smile to our faces when we remember hearing, "That's my girl!"

The author is senior HR manager of CMPDI in Ranchi