(From top) Saif and Rani in Hum Tum; Dilip Kumar, Madhubala and Prithviraj Kapoor in Mughal-e-Azam; Hrithik and Amisha in Kaho Na...Pyaar Hai; and Shah Rukh and Preity in Kal Ho Na Ho

I am in love!!! I am in love!!! The most exhilarated statement on the Indian screen. Every time we see a hero spread his arms wide open and scream those precious four words, we can’t help but say, ooohhhh?you poor, poor thing!!! Can you blame us if we feel sorry for these crazy creatures? Our hearts go out to the silly young fellas. First, they fall in love, and then they actually celebrate the unfortunate occasion! In Indian cinema, falling in love is not one of the smartest things you can do. It’s like walking into a rat-trap. One step in and bang! ? you’re in big time trouble, baby. Invariably, our filmmakers find it necessary to put our dear lovers in the hottest of waters. The problems of the entire world come and fall on the shoulders of one who dares to fall in love on the Bollywood screen. What’s interesting to see is, over the decades, there have evolved many different ways in which lovers can be doomed. Through the course of thousands of love stories, filmmakers have actually developed a whole range of troubles that they can put our coochie-coo lot through. For god’s sake, what is this, China?

Parent Trap

The No. 1 problem area ? Mummies and Daddies. They have been the original pyaar ke dushman from the time love stories are being made. Whether it was Prithviraj Kapoor in K. Asif’s Mughal-E-Azam or Amrish Puri in Aditya Chopra’s Dilwale Dulhania Le Jaayenge, the Papajis have proved to be quite a terror. They throw out the noose for a variety of reasons. In films like K.S. Sethumadhavan’s Julie and K. Balachander’s Ek Duuje Ke Liye the caste barrier clangs down between the lovers. The parents would rather kill their children than let them marry outside the caste. Oh, well, can’t say we haven’t heard that one before!

Then there are the moneyed classes, who will not hear of their precious prince or princess marrying a looser off the streets. In Pradeep Sarkar’s Parineeta, Sabyasachi Chakraborty does a mean mean-dad act when he forbids his son from having anything to do with the aluminium-spoon-in-mouth Vidya Balan. In Sooraj R. Barjatya’s Maine Pyar Kiya, Rajiv Verma accused his childhood friend of gold digging. In Raj Kapoor’s Bobby, Rishi Kapoor and Dimple Kapadia did the cutest rebel routine against rich daddy Pran. In Dharmesh Darshan’s Raja Hindustani it was our rani Karisma who sacrificed her castle and her father dearest to be with the taxi-driving love of her life.

As if falling in love is not bad luck enough, these blighters have the worst of taste in picking their partners. In the whole wide world full of boys and girls, they have just got to pick the offspring of the dushman khandaan! In Indra Kumar’s Dil the fathers’ jhagda began just as their kids stopped fighting and fell in love. Mansoor Ali Khan’s Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak is a glorious example of a familial feud coming in the way of pehla pyaar. In Rajendra Kumar’s Love Story one indulging daddy does not allow his sonny boy to marry his sweetheart because the girl’s mother was at one point of time his own sweetheart!

Baby Trap

For all those lovers, whose parents made their life miserable, here is the moment of divine justice. Now it’s the kids who stand in the way of romantic love of their parents. Some spoilsport selfish bachchas mess up their parents’ every chance at romance and nain-milan in B.R Chopra’s Baghban, when they decide to keep them in separate houses. In Hriday Shetty’s Pyaar Mein Twist a middle-aged couple actually run away, to the delight of all those in the audience who recall Bobby with more than a touch of nostalgia. Sigh! Eloping is just in the psyche of this generation, it seems. They were doing it as teenagers; they’re doing it as grown-ups!

The Third Party

Some cine-lovers manage to walk around the parent trap. But just as they think they’ve got away, they walk into the infamous triangle. How many times have we cried our eyes out for the timid little thing who couldn’t voice his feelings and lost the girl to a quicker dog? Or sometimes because the sweetheart is now married to the luckier dog. Shilpa Shetty in Dharmesh Darshan’s Dhadkan, Aishwarya Rai in Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam and Rekha in Yash Chopra’s Silsila all put up their first love at the altar. In Karan Johar’s Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Kajol had to give up her best friend and love to another woman, because he was too dense to see that he actually loved her.

No Entry

Another manifestation of the Third Party Syndrome, it haunts those who are haunted by un-reciprocated passion. The first half of Johar’s KKHH could fall in this category, too. While some like Kajol and Aftab Shivdasani in K. Muralimohana Rao’s Kya Yehi Pyaar Hai just shrug and let their sweeties go with a teary smile, others like to do something about it.

Like Shah Rukh Khan did in Kundan Shah’s Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa. For some, lunacy is more their thing. In Ram Gopal Varma’s Pyaar Tune Kya Kiya Urmila Matondkar stalks her married crush to the point of insanity. In Yash Chopra’s Darr and Rahul Rawail’s Anjaam, Shah Rukh makes his coveted girl’s very life a punishment. Very persistent man, that.

Till Death Does Them Part

When filmmakers have the manufacturers of tissue paper as their unofficial sponsors, this problem is used in the film. Hiren Nag’s Akhiyon Ke Jharokhon Se and Nikhil Advani’s Kal Ho Na Ho must have sent tissue paper sales skyrocketing! Rakesh Roshan’s Kaho Na?Pyaar Hai and Yash Chopra’s Lamhe were made along the same theme. But it seems that in the course of the making, the directors decided it was too much to bear, and made them fall in love again, with look-alikes!

International Issues

Love knows no borders. But filmmakers do, and have made ample use of their knowledge. The biggest cross border love story hit was Yash Chopra’s out-of-control emotional Veer-Zaara. Anil Sharma’s Gadar, J.P. Dutta’s Refugee and Manoj Punj’s Shaheed-e-Mohabbat were also Indo-Pak love stories that had the lead pair going through hell to be with each other. And why not? Some of them didn’t even stop to check if they were carrying their passports or not, before they fell in love.

Once in a while, filmmakers deviate from these problem areas and create new unusual problems. And then we see some quality films like Kunal Kohli’s Hum Tum and Aparna Sen’s Mr & Mrs Iyer. And we also see sorry films like Aditya Chopra’s Mohabbatein where the man against love has got nothing whatsoever to do with the crowd of lovers in the film.

Even when they have no problems, these lovers are undeterred. They manage to create problems for themselves. Like they have adeptly done in films like Siddharth Anand’s Salaam Namaste, Shaad Ali’s Saathiya and Gautham Menon’s Rehna Hai Tere Dil Mein.

We guess there isn’t much to love if there are no problemos. These lovers need to go through crap to be able to go though life with each other, we suppose. After all, it is immunity that fights disease. Or maybe it’s a last ditch effort to make the film long enough?

Well, whatever the case, this Valentine’s Day, make sure you say a little prayer for the lovers in Bollywood. Cause for them, or for anyone else actually, love ain’t easy, honeys!