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Britney Spears with former boyfriend Justin Timberlake. Britney swore she would never have sex before marriage |
When Britney Spears swore that she would not have sex before marriage, the world didn’t know what to think. Though this was long before her current meltdown — she was barely a girl of 18; by then we had heard her sing lines like “hit me baby one more time”, we had watched her dance around in a sexy schoolgirl uniform and we had gasped as she was photographed covered by little else but a python — all well before marriage. Would it be presumptuous to assume that she was revealing everything else but the truth with her claims of celibacy?
And in the same way, in a country that has produced a Mallika Sherawat and Shobhaa De, a Murder and a Julie (we avoid Kamasutra cliches), would it be wrong to suppose that we have embraced our sexual selves?
Yes. And no. While many women have thrown their chastity belts in the bin, many a man would still like his woman to be untouched. Or let us clarify — many men would like the women they marry to be virginal, but the women they date to be anything but.
Virgin queens
“Is it okay to lose your virginity before marriage?” Shruti (Konkona) asks sister Shikha (Shilpa) in Life… in a Metro. Her tone is matter-of-fact, and her casual question doesn’t shock her sister, or the multiplex audience.
“Virginity, in today’s society, is a non-issue for most urban women, I would think,” says Smita Paul, 29. “To me, pre-marital sex is not an issue at all, as long as one knows what she is doing and has confidence in her partner.”
“Amongst my friends, only one chose to abstain from sexual intercourse till marriage. The rest never thought twice about whether they should have sex or not. When they were in a relationship, it came as the most natural thing to do,” says Madhuri Sen, a 28-year-old. And though some handled it better — and safer — than others, none regretted their life choice, she added.
But do men share this liberal view of things? Not always. “I would be shocked if I got to know my wife was not a virgin. Chicks are arm-candy and great to flaunt at parties. But when it comes to marriage, you do not look for second-hand stuff,” says Sayon Mondol, an M.Phil student at Jadavpur University.
While most women would gasp at these remarks, so do some men. “Hypocrites who say such things should be lynched,” says Arindam Bhattacharjee, 33, whose own parents were supportive of his decision to live with his girlfriend before getting married. “All of us have had our share of relationships and for each, the intimacy yardstick varies. So why make an issue?” asks Nil Agarwal, 27. “I have no problems if my wife is not a virgin. And whether she wants to talk it out or not is completely her choice too.” But the 27-year-old MBA student agrees that “most men do prefer an ‘untouched partner’”.
If Arindam and Nil are part of the urbane minority in a city that clings to its conservatism, women have reconciled themselves to this attitude. For men, there are two kinds of girls: Those who are suitable for taking to parties, and those who can be taken home to meet the parents, points out HR professional Amrapali Ghosh. They want to have fun with the first and settle down with the second.
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In the last scene of Pyaar Ke Side Effects, Rahul Bose asks Mallika Sherawat whether “she had coffee” with her former fiance. Coffee was, of course, a euphemism for sex in the film |
But if this is the case, what happens to all those women that these men date and “use”, only to chuck for more “homely” ones later? Trisha Khanna, for one, is not losing any sleep over it. “I lost my virginity when I was 21 and I have no problem with it. I got into it because there was a certain amount of trust involved. For some, reaching that level of comfort might take a day, for others it may take years,” says the 24-year-old.
“One of my boyfriends asked me how many times I had slept with my ex-boyfriend, because he felt that each of his former partners — and there had been many — was a betrayal of me, though he didn’t even know me then!” says Tanya Ghosh, 28. “I was appalled. I told him I didn’t look at it that way at all, and I really didn’t keep count.” The relationship didn’t last long after that.
Men, by and large, have fewer restrictions placed on them when it comes to sexual conduct. It is far more acceptable for boys morphing into men to sow their wild oats before being tied down to domesticity.
Films like American Pie and, closer home, Mumbai Matinee are all about young guys’ ham-handed attempts to lose their virginity. Says 25-year-old Sayantani Ghosh: “It is peer pressure. It is an initiation rite that becomes mandatory.”
Even women who choose to abstain till their wedding night don’t expect the same of their partners. “I would like to gift my virginity to the man I love. And it will only happen after marriage. If my partner has not chosen to be this way, that is his prerogative,” says Ivy Iyer, a 25-year-old studying for her M.Phil.
The same discrimination spills over to that great social barometer: the matrimonial column. Alliances are always invited from brides who are “from a conservative family”, “convent educated”, “homely”. Other common requirements: “religious”, “honest”, “possessing good character”. Of course, those printing such ads have sensibilities too delicate to be more explicit than this, but these words say it all.
“These are definitely ways to state that she or he should be a virgin,” feels 32- year-old Debraj Dutta. “For many conservatives, it is taken for granted that the bride and the groom will both be virgins,” agrees Smita.
When, for woman, loss of her “most precious possession” could mean losing out on the best available catch, she may be tempted to cover up evidence of her dalliances. The most commonly asked question that Shashi Jindel, consultant gynaecologist at Kothari and AMRI, encounters is: “If I am not a virgin, is there any way my husband will be able to tell?” Jindel says that such inquiries have increased in the past three years, along with the rate of pre-marital sex. Most of these girls are less than 20 years old.
The most disturbing plastic surgery, called hymen reconstruction to help to “revirginate” women, has not yet made its way to Calcutta. It is popular in east Asian nations that share similar traditional values. “This is not a prevalent procedure in Calcutta, but we do teach tightening exercises,” reveals Jindel.
If international medicine has devised methods to facilitate deceit, our local medical fraternity has medicine of its own kind: moralistic, unwanted advice. “My gynaecologist went as far as to tell me that pre-marital sex was not right and that I should get married as soon as possible. It made me feel so violated,” recalls Tanya. She dumped her doctor quicker than she had dumped her boyfriend.
Lucky for Tanya, and other young women like her, she is at liberty to choose boyfriends, doctors and what she wants to do with her body.
So whether Calcutta is ready for it or not, men and women can “just do it” or not, as they choose, as long as they are prepared to ignore some age-old hypocrisy.
Do you think virginity is still an issue?
Tell t2@abpmail.com
(Some names have been changed on request)