By definition and DNA, the heist genre has had one formula down pat —style > substance. The films in this world demand a willing suspension of disbelief in exchange for the promise of edge-of-the-seat thrills, high-octane action sequences, pretty people strutting around in eye-pleasing locations and, more often than not, a final twist that makes even the most ridiculous bits that precede it, worth it. Somewhat.
Jewel Thief — The Heist Begins (it ends close to two hours later with the ‘warning’: The Heist Continues’, no spoiler this) ticks off all the tried-and-tired tropes of the genre to slapdash a heist film which evoked an unthinkable emotion within me — I missed the Race films (yes, yes, I am embarrassed). For whatever it is worth, the three films in the Race franchise — two of which starred Saif Ali Khan — oscillated, within its twist-a-second template, between lousy and ludicrous. Jewel Thief is, politely put, simply lame.
Even if you go into this film — it has taken two men to direct it — with no expectations, Jewel Thief will fall short. Once you finish watching the film, chances are that you would have forgotten about it less than five minutes later. It is not offensive, neither is it unremarkable. Jewel Thief just is. It simply exists in a ‘fill it, shut it, forget it’ kind of way.
A cross-continental romp, Jewel Thief makes Mumbai look like the neon section of an Asian Paints shade card. Everything is on steroids, amped up several notches. At one point, a passenger plane is made to land in the middle of a park in Istanbul using tooni bulbs (you don’t need to be a Bengali to know what it means) and traffic cones. Yes, we will have what the writers and makers of this film were having while making it.
The good thing about Jewel Thief, though, is that it has Saif Ali Khan and Jaideep Ahlawat facing off. They bring a lot of themselves to their parts, which is truly a saving grace. Saif plays a con artist in the most Saif Ali Khan way possible. His Rehan Roy is well-dressed, likes the good life and has Wassily Kandinsky on his bookshelf. He looks a lot like Ibrahim Ali Khan, but acts way, way better. I can’t decide whether that is a direct insult or a backhanded compliment, to either.
Jaideep, no stranger to baddie roles, plays a suave gangster. No matter how off-kilter the film goes, Ahlawat — whose surname is Aulakh here — seems to be enjoying himself. Jaideep’s eye rolls, aimed at Rehan’s ever-changing heist plans, gave me strict competition. I was, of course, eye-rolling at the film as a whole. Let’s hope we both don’t end up cross-eyed.
The plot? Aulakh catches hold of Rehan to steal the Red Sun, a prized diamond described as “Africa ka Kohinoor”. The heist starts from a museum in Mumbai and continues on a flight headed to London. Which gives Rehan the chance to spill some of the worst lines ever written. Like: “Na desh ki seema ho, na border ka ho bandhan. Udayenge Red Sun from 30,000ft... in the gagan.” (Jagjit Singh, we are sorry). At another point, Rehan says: “Aadmi ko apni neend aur apni needs puri tarah se poori karni chahiye.” This line alone made me discover new-found respect for Salman Khan’s infamous “do pehlus” dialogue in Race 3.
Well, what else? Nikita Dutta plays the obligatory female presence, clinking champagne glasses, showing off an enviable wardrobe and talking about the dangers of Belladonna. The actor who, however, gets the worst deal is Kunal Kapoor. Kapoor’s Vikram Patel, who is in competition with Abhishek Bachchan’s Jai Dixit in the Dhoom films, takes the crown for the most incompetent cop in the world.
I would have liked to say that my favourite part of Jewel Thief is when it ends. But it is actually a few minutes before that, when Jaideep puts on his dancing shoes for the end-credits song, which has now gone viral for his moves alone. Hathiram can dance, saala! Wish he could have brought some of that ‘jaadu’ to Jewel Thief.
