Dr Shyam Bhat practises holistic psychiatry, psychotherapy and integrated medicine. Currently based in Bangalore where he runs the Mind-Body Clinic, the 43-year-old has an MD in internal medicine and psychiatry from Southern Illinois University School of Medicine. He has recently written a book, How To Heal Your Broken Heart (Juggernaut, Rs 99). He is also a trustee of the Live Love Laugh Foundation started by Deepika Padukone to work in the area of mental health. On May 14, t2 had announced that Shyam Bhat would answer questions from t2 readers on life, love and happiness — from managing stress to dealing with challenges in your personal or professional life. Here is the first set of Q&As. Watch this space for more.

Dear sir, 
I’m a 29-year-old girl working as an academician in a college. Life was good till I fell for one of my colleagues. It was love at first sight for me. Few days later, I found him showing an interest in me. We gradually bonded over WhatsApp and phone. Within a week, I came to know that he is married. Still, I could not avoid it. He promised me loads of things. Then the wife decided to come to his workplace and live with him. He started avoiding me. But I held on to him. I waited for one whole year, keeping faith in him that he would again show the same warmth. But I found that I’m just an option... like anybody else in his life. He still conveys that he loves me, not his wife, but the moment I ask for a commitment he says he can only accept me after his parents’ death. He sometimes talks to me in a very formal way, if he gets “time”. He even skips texting me, saying the situation is difficult. This whole year of wait and three-four months of being extremely intimate and loved by him made me clueless. My parents are searching for a match. But I can’t see any other man in my life. Of late, I’ve been vulnerable and restless. I harmed myself. I always feel like crying. I skip food. I can’t sleep for hours at night. I’m unable to share this with anyone, assuming the judgemental consequences. I really don’t know what to do with my life now. It would be a great help if you kindly suggest me a way out.

A: I think you already know what you must do. But you are finding it hard to accept. Love and matters of the heart can interfere with our logical factors, causing us to make bad decisions, by ignoring evidence that we don’t want to accept. 
When you take a deep breath and consider your life with him, you will see that he has not given you the lasting happiness that you want and deserve in your life. Love means more than desire and chemistry. Love also means loyalty and commitment. You have hoped and waited for him and each time, you are hearing another excuse. You yourself sense the distance from him. And yet your “love” keeps you shackled to this unhappy and frustrating situation. 
If what you feel is love, then it should be healthy and nourishing for you. But from what you have told me, I don’t get that impression. This relationship has worn you down to the point that now even life seems difficult. The best step is to let go of this man. He is married, has not given you a commitment after all this time and is even being evasive with you. You have to accept three things...
a) That this relationship probably doesn’t have a future. 
b) You are strong enough not to depend on a bad relationship. 
c) You will find a healthier, more loving relationship in future. 
The first step is to leave this relationship. Once you do that, you can then begin the process of healing. And once you heal and get over the loss — which will definitely happen if you give it enough time — you will then be open to meeting people and have a better, more healthy relationship. 
At any time, if the thoughts or feelings become overwhelming for you, do not hesitate to seek professional help.

Respected sir, 
I am a youth of 24, a graduate with a first class from Calcutta University. Now I am struggling to get a job. My father retired four years ago, so the pressure is on. After retirement, my father shifted to a village 12km from Calcutta. As we are new here, I have no friends. The locality is not so good, the neighbours are always complaining. My friends in the city are all very busy. I have to spend most of my time at home. Sometimes it’s very depressing. This depression has led to porn addiction. I can’t get over it. It spoils my health and mental condition. I try my best, but all goes in vain. What should I do now, sir? Please help.

A: You are getting into a cycle of helplessness and pessimism, guilt and sadness and this is paralysing you. As this mood and despair worsens, you are isolating yourself and turning to porn for a temporary fix, as a way to distract yourself from your current situation. Remember, watching porn can be as addictive as drugs of abuse, especially when you do so when you are depressed.
You say there are no opportunities and that your efforts “go in vain”. Your efforts so far may not have got you the results you desire. But do not give up. Instead, examine your approach — why have you not been able to find a job? It may be because you are only looking at a particular kind of job/industry. 
Do not wait for the ideal job. There will be several opportunities for you — if you look far and wide. Of all the possible choices, take the first best opportunity. Begin the journey. Take the first step. Once you start working, you can then take further steps to improve yourself in the following areas. 
1. Learning and skills: Increase your skills and work your way to a higher and better position.
2. Health: Physical and mental health. Begin sleeping on time, get exercise, eat a balanced diet, and make time for meditation. Take care of your stress. If your depressed mood does not improve with all these measures, seek professional help.  
3. Relationships: Build more friendships. Stop isolating yourself. 
Follow these steps and I am sure you will be on the path to success and happiness.

Dear doctor,
I am a 21-year-old woman. For the last few months, I have been quite anxious. I think all day about things that matter little to me. I have no control over them. This is badly affecting me because I am unable to concentrate on my studies and am feeling quite stressed out. Do I need the help of a psychiatrist or can I get over it through meditation and other exercises?

A: You definitely sound like you are suffering from stress, and anxiety. The state of anxiety is the feeling of unease, tension, fear, and worry that comes from the brain and the mind. 
The brain has a part called the amygdala that generates fear in response to threat. But in some people (and this may be happening in you), the amygdala is hyperactive, causing fear even when there is no overwhelming threat. 
This inappropriate fear causes changes in the mind and body — worries about things going wrong, muscle tension, problems sleeping, irritability are some of the more common results of this anxiety disorder. 
A lot of people who suffer from such anxiety have a tendency to think in negative ways, to worry about catastrophes, and often they do not feel they have the ability to be safe and secure. 
When anxiety is severe, it may need medicines, but this is only something that a psychiatrist can determine after a full evaluation. There are several other steps you can take, and in many cases, anxiety can be treated by these means without the use of medication.
1. Exercise. Walk briskly at least five times a week. Research shows that exercise is very effective in helping relieve anxiety and improve mood. 
2. Pranayama.
3. Yoga.
4. Meditation.
5. Ayurvedic treatment such as shirodhara.
6. Psychotherapy or counselling. 

DISCLAIMER: The advice and answers provided are for informational purposes only, and not a substitute for professional help. Do not hesitate to contact a mental health professional for help and support.