A is for Awpheesh (Office). This is where the average Calcuttan goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work. If he works for the West Bengal “Gawrment”, he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep in his seat at 4 and go home at 4.30. It’s a hard

life!

B is for Bhishon (extreme). For some reason, most things Bengalis experience are in an extreme form. It can be anything from a Bhishon traffic jam to Bhishon thanda to Bhishon boring.

B is also for Boroline. The older generation still believes it cures everything.

C is for Chappell. Currently, this is the Bengali word for the Devil.

D is for Debashish or any other name starting with Deb. Following an ancient law every fourth Bengali child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere. They are also called Deb, Debu, Deba. Variations of Debashish: Deboprotim, Debjani, Debolina, Debojyoti, Debojit.

D is also for Dada (who can bring the city to a halt with bat-ball) and Didi (who can bring the city to a halt with a bandh call).

E is for Eeeeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation, till it went national when Aishwarya Rai uttered it on a regular basis in Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali uses Eeeeesh 10,089 times every year. “Hobe Na” is a close second to Eeeeesh.

F is for Feeesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis.

G is for Good Name. Every Bengali boy will have a Good Name (bhalo naam), such as the aforementioned Debashish or Debolina, and a “pet name”, such as Babai or Tuktuki.

H is for Harmonium. This the Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have successors to The Beatles!

I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releesh!

J is for Jhola. No self-respecting Bengali used to be complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings — and that is an amazing number of things. But it is being killed by cool Bong dudes, who prefer backpacks or sling bags.

K is for Kee Kaando! Another Bhishon favourite Bengali exclamation. Wait till Bipasha Basu is made to say it in a forthcoming film.

L is for Lungi — the dress for all occasions. People in Calcutta even manage to play football and cricket wearing it, not to mention the daily trip in the morning to the local baajaar. Now there is talk of a Lungi expedition to Mt Everest.

M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half-buses whose movements would frighten the living daylights out of every James Bond and all Formula 1 drivers.

N is for Nishchoi. This is the Bengali word for Obvious or Certainly. But when it means “certainly”, as in a promise, it may not mean anything.

is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will

cure anything from cold (pour a few drops into your nose), to earache (a few drops into your ear), to cough (a few drops into your throat). Like Boroline.

P is for Phootball. This was a phavourite passion of the Calcuttan till cricket ran it out.

Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or Calcutta, but it’s the only Q word we could think of at this moment.

R is for Robi Thakur. Many many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize. This gave the right to all Bengalis, no matter who they were or where they were, to believe that they were directly related. This also gives Bengalis the birthright to look down at Delhi and Mumbai and of course “all non-Bengali”!

S is for Shourobh. Now that they have finally produced a genuine cricketer who was also the country’s most successful captain, Bengalis think that he should be allowed to play till he is 70. Of course they will see to it that he stays in good form by doing a little bit of joggo and maanot.

T is for Trams. There are still trams in Calcutta. Which is so nice — but they need a lot more attention.

U is for Aambrela. Every self-respecting Bengali using public transport carries it. Previously, it used to be the parting gift for retiring employees.

V is for Bhaayolence. Bengalis remain the most non-violent

race that loves talking about all things Bhaayolent all the time.

W is for Water. For three months of the year the city goes underwater and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this!

X is for X-mas. All Bengalis eat cake that day (and think you are dumb if you say it’s pronounced Christmas).

Y is for Yes Saar. Generations of Bengalis have done remarkably well in their careers and ended up as head clerk saying just this.

Z is for Jebra, Joo, Jipper and Jylophone.