I am a 17-year-old boy. My problem is that my girlfriend and I do not share common interests. While I am crazy about cricket, she simply hates the game. She cribs whenever I practice the game. Recently, she has been asking me to stop playing and threatens to dump me for good if I don’t listen to her. What should I do?
Tarun, via e-mail
Look, you have a simple choice: you can either swing the bat or swing with her. She has made this very clear. But because you are a cricketer, you have limited intelligence and you can’t understand simple English until it is sent to you in the form of some crappy Wisden wisdom. So son, let me tell you what that cow has been telling you: if she was keen on some joker with a bat and ball, she would have opted for you. She is not. She doesn’t want to be a Navjot Singh Sidhu hanger-on so if you are fine with it, she will have you. Now have you got it, you little dolt?
I am a 25-year-old man in love with a girl for the past seven years. My parents are opposed to this match as my girlfriend belongs to a different caste. They are forcing me to break up. Since I love her truly, I am feeling very depressed. What should I do?
Raghav, via e-mail
Were your parents in some bunker for the last seven years that they didn’t know about this? Or were you in denial? My suggestion is ignore the old fogeys and go on and marry this caste-downtrodden woman and leave us all in peace. We are already upto our neck with the shenanigans of that Mayawati and the last thing we need is another caste war over some silly seven year itch.
I am a 35-year-old man. Whenever I see a charming woman, I start fantasising about her. It was fine till this habit was limited to strangers. But recently I have started fantasising about my relatives as well. Though I have tried getting rid of this nasty habit, I am finding it increasingly difficult to control myself. This is hampering my personal life as well. Please help.
Name and address withheld
How sweet? Look my friend, you are in a majority. Almost 98 per cent of men do exactly this, but then most of them are decent enough to spare their relatives. I salute your spirit of democracy and the fact that you tar everyone with the same brush. I am delighted that your relatives are also your mental prey and here’s wishing you all the success in life. May there be more like you.
I am a 56-year-old man. My problem is that my wife tends to quarrel with our neighbours on some pretext or the other. As a result, we are on pretty bad terms with all our neighbours. Because of her irritating nature, I have had to change my residence quite a few times. However that hasn’t really helped much because no matter where we go, my wife starts quarrelling with the neighbours. I am extremely annoyed by her eccentric behaviour. What should I do?
Name and address withheld
Why the hell don’t you change her? Trust me you will get wives easier than you will get flats on rent and with this gorgon in tow, why would you want to ruin the limited life you have left? Throw this woman out and start living all over again. You don’t need to have a terrorist at home when the Government makes so many available outside!
I am a 34-year-old married woman. We adopted a one-year-old child a year back after our doctor told us that I would never be able to conceive. However, by the grace of god, I’m pregnant now. But I’m worried what the situation will be like when my kids grow up and begin to interact with people. I’m afraid that insensitive comments might hurt them. Do you think I should tell them everything before they find out the truth from others? When is the right time to do that?
Name and address withheld
Yes please tell the chap you’ve adopted that he is adopted and make sure you have no in-built biases. On a serious note, adoption in our country is better than birth especially when so many children are left on their own devices. And never ever discriminate between the two. Now when is the right time? I would imagine when they can understand what the hell you are telling them! What do you think, bright button?
I study in Class IX. I am good at studies. But I suffer from a speech problem due to which I stammer. This makes me feel very conscious. Whenever the teacher asks a question, even if I know the correct answer, I don’t volunteer to reply. This is because I’m afraid of making a fool of myself. I realise that even excelling in studies won’t get me very far unless I deal with this fear.Will going to a personality development class help?
Sagar, via e-mail
Stammering is not something to be ashamed of. There are many who don’t stammer and yet are staggering idiots. So get over this hang-up and lead a normal life. There are ways of reducing how much one stammers and for that you need to consult some medical bloke but that apart, let stammering not hamper you. If Shibu Soren can be a leader with a face like that, stammering is small change!
I am a 17-year-old girl. I love reading books. But my parents think that reading anything apart from ‘study-related’ books is a waste of time. My father has gone to the extent of tearing up a storybook I’d once borrowed from the school library. I had to face a lot of trouble in school because of that totally insensitive act of his. Nowadays, I read on the sly, as if I’m committing a crime! What do I do?
Ruby, via e-mail
Keep reading and ignore that idiot of a father. The tragedy is we normally can’t choose our parents hence you are in a bind. But that apart, keep up the reading. It is the finest habit known to man. Never give it up no matter what the compulsion!
HELP AT HAND
Alcoholics anonymous
10A, Nandan Road, (Near Ganja Park)
Calcutta 700025,Ph: 24191174
E-mail:aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com
For free help on alcoholism, Contact: Volunteers on line Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Saturdays
Lifeline Foundation
Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free, anonymous and confidential tele helpline service giving emotional support for people who are depressed, distressed or suicidal, Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturdays
Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)
AE-36, Rabindra Pally, P.- Prafulla Kanan, Calcutta — 700 101
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529 9856
Tele-counselling and face-to-face counselling on issues concerning relationships, sex education and free and confidential testing, counselling and information on HIV & AIDS
Contact: Counsellors on line Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.Mondays through Fridays
Kornash (The lifestyle management school)
139B Rashbehari Avenue,
Calcutta — 700 029
Ph: 9830149919
Interactive sessions on personality enhancement, stress reduction, lifestyle management, behavioural modification for children, marital counselling and psychotherapy
Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.,
Mondays through Saturdays
