I am a 21-year-old man. I had been having an affair for the past three years. Even our parents knew about the relationship. But recently my girlfriend dumped me, citing differences in family status as the reason. But she was well aware of it right from the beginning. I am shocked at her decision, and so are her friends and her mother. She has stuck to her decision and refuses to budge. I am devastated and have no clue what I should do next. Please help.

Name and address withheld

There is nothing I can do. Take a sleeping tablet every night and forget about her. Suicide is not an option but dulling your brain to death will not harm someone like you so just go ahead and take this medication. If things are really bad, then hang outside Loreto College, Calcutta. This is what we used to do when we were depressed. And it worked.

I am a 60-year-old man. I have retired from my job, and these days, mostly stay at home. Hence it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to pass time. I have become very restless and consequently, I fight with my family members without any reason. This has irritated them to no extent and they have started ignoring me. What should I do?

Keshab, via e-mail

Go to Eden Gardens. Sit on a bench and imagine you are Jagmohan Dalmiya. Imagine this for five hours and then think you are Sourav Ganguly. If all of this remains uninteresting, imagine you are Maradona who is whipping the pants off Subhas Chakraborty and then go back home to your miserable life. At 60, most men have mistresses. Sad that you will have to make do with a bench, my friend, but then that is how truly sad your life is.

I am a 30-year-old man living alone. Two years back, I became good friends with a married woman who stays in my locality. Over time we got close and ended up getting physical. We used to meet when her husband would be in office. She’s been ignoring me off late. One reason might be her husband has got wind about out secret affair. However, she started calling me again few days back. I am very confused. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Perhaps her husband changed his office shifts, you dolt and he has perhaps changed them all over again. Stop being moral and get back to all of the adulterous stuff. It is always much more fun, I can assure you.

I am a 27-year-old man. I got married six years back and have a three-year-old child. My problem is that my wife is having an affair with another man and wants to get married to him. She wants to go for a mutual divorce. I love her a lot and have pleaded with her to continue with this relationship. But she refuses to pay heed as she loves this other man quite a lot. The thought of spending days without her is making me feel extremely depressed. I don’t know what my son and I would do without her. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Look, I have no time for this sloppy nonsense. Let her go and you find someone else. This love crap is outdated. Today we live in times of lust. Love is in poetry books at College Street. Wake up and smell the Moglai paratha, son and get on with your life. You are only 27. Don’t behave like Jyoti Basu.

I am a 23-year-old woman. I am into a physical relationship with my paternal grandfather. I know what I am doing is totally wrong but I enjoy it. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Paternal grandfather. What the f*** is the world coming to? Give me his name so that we can vote him CNN-IBN Indian of the Year for perverseness. Or better still please keep at it because even if you were to tell people no one would believe you!

I am a 16-year-old boy in love with a girl who is two years elder to me. Though we are facing no problems as of now, I am apprehensive of the fact that we might have ego clashes in the future. I can’t leave her because she is a close relative. Please suggest what should I do.

Name and address withheld

Look I am no Nostradamus. To hell with the future, just live for the moment. Carry on with your affair and keep us posted. Tales of losers loving people always fascinate me. This is what keeps me going, son.

I am a 15-year-old girl. Whenever I fight with my younger brother, my mother ends up supporting him, no matter who is at fault. This biased attitude bothers me no end. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Wake up, darling. You belong to feudal India. He is the boy. You are the girl. I know it sounds insensitive but this is the truth. Your parents are feudal rogues and there is nothing you can do except wait for them to die. This is how the cookie crumbles in most Indian homes so don’t be too alarmed!

I am a 16-year-old boy. My problem is that though my Board exams are approaching, I’ve got hooked on to a social networking site . Though I am aware of the addiction that I am developing, I just don’t know what to do about it. To top it all, my family has huge expectations from me and is forcing me to study all the time. Please help.

Zafar, via e-mail

Just forget studies and focus on this site. You will pick up more girls, become a bigger star and get luckier in life even without a job. Studies are for losers. There is more to life than passing some silly exams. Can you imagine having Mamata Banerjee as a friend on Facebook? You could poke her for the rest of your life and she may even enjoy it son! So go ahead and enjoy the limited life you have and keep me posted!

I am a 20-year-old man. This is my first year in college. I have a huge crush on one of my classmates. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Love or lust? Make up your mind. Don’t fall in love. It is a complete waste of time and there are too many choices. Why order a la carte when there is a buffet? Just be lustful and keep scoring. You’ll do better than at least the Australian cricket team, son. And 20 is too young an age to fall in love. You should fall in love when you are 60 so that you too can find a bench in Eden Gardens!

I am a 25-year-old man. My elder brother is married to a 23-year-old woman who is in love with me. Recently when my brother was on a trip, we ended up being intimate. Now she is asking me to get married to her. Since I love my brother a lot, I am not ready to do this. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Dump the woman and save your relationship at least with your brother. The woman seems evil and she must not be allowed to flourish. That is my only suggestion, son.

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park Calcutta 700025
Ph: 24191174

E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com

For free help on alcoholism
Contact: Volunteers on line
Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432

Free, anonymous and confidential tele helpline service giving emotional support for people who are depressed, distressed or suicidal

Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Monday through Saturdays

Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)

AE-36, Rabindra Pally,
P.- Prafulla Kanan
Calcutta — 700 101

Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529 9856

Tele-counselling and face-to-face counselling on issues concerning relationships, sex education and free and confidential testing, counselling and information on HIV & AIDS

Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Fridays

Kornash ( The lifestyle management school )

139B Rashbehari Avenue,
Calcutta — 700 029
Ph: 9830149919

Interactive sessions on personality enhancement, stress reduction, lifestyle management, behavioural modification for children, marital counselling and psychotherapy

Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.,
Mondays through Saturdays

Society for nature, education and health (sneh)

Flat — 2B, 48/1, Chakraberia
Road (North) Calcutta — 700 020
Ph: 2486 7404, 2486 1940

E-mail: sneh@cal2.vsnl.net.in

Psychotherapy for children, adolescents and adults suffering from behavioural and emotional problems

Timings: 10.00 a.m. to 5.00 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays