I am 23 and in love with my batchmate who is 29. Recently, he asked me to marry him and I accepted. But he loves being alone these days. I want things to be the way they were. Help.

Neha Banka, Calcutta

Look lady these are not easy things to predict and since I neither know you nor your lonely lover, how on earth do you expect me to solve this silly problem of yours? All I can say is if the fellow is a loner, let him be and run from him as quickly as you can or else all your life he’ll be watching television while you’ll be eating popcorn: not a happy situation to be in darling.

I am 16 years old. I love a boy who’s a year younger. I find it difficult to ask him out. He might have feelings for me. Should I propose?

Name and address withheld

Propose? First ask him out; check if he knows how to brush his teeth and comb his hair and tie his goddamn shoe-laces! Propose? What are you smoking my love that you can think of proposing even when you don’t know the lad. Though I have to admit, many who claim to know their lovers, then discover the nightmares that their lovers are once they are married. My suggestion is go through adolescence and allow that child to as well and then when you are Mamata Banerjee’s age, you can think of proposing. Clear?

I’m 34. I have a fetish for long hair. Whenever I see a lady with long hair I just go crazy. My maid has waist long, thick hair. I can’t control my urge to be with her, but I stay with my mother and wife. I want to convey that I am really attracted to her. Is there a way to win her?

Amit Dutta, Calcutta

How sweet of you to be such a hair-phile. I suggest you call your mother and wife into the same room and then bow your not-so-luscious hair in front of this long-haired cretin and tell her you love her. Your mother and wife will bless you: they’ll get a maid and your wife a companion, for the price of one and unlike other daughters-in-law or wives, given the amount of work this maid- in-law will do, no one will even think of burning her. So go right ahead. This is a match MAID in heaven son.       

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park, Calcutta - 25
Ph: 2419 1174
For free help on alcoholism
E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com
(2p.m. to 6p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)
Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics)
Ph : 98309 93132
(2p.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Saturdays)
www.india.al-anon.alateen.org

Narcotics anonymous (Kolkata area helpline)

Ph: 9836223071; www.nakolkata.org
Email: info@nakolkata.org
Self-help group of recovering addicts

HelpAge India

1800-345-1253
Free helpline for the elderly for
social, legal, economical, financial counselling and also access to government schemes and policies

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free helpline for the depressed or suicidal
(10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturdays)

Sparsha

AE-36, Rabindra Pally, PO: Prafulla Kanan, Calcutta - 01
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529, 9856
Free tele-counselling and one-on-one counselling on personal relationships and HIV/ AIDS
(10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Mondays through Fridays)

Pronam

38/1, Beltala Road,Calcutta - 19
Senior Citizen’s Emergency
Co-ordination Control Room
Ph: 2419 0740

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