Former Miss Universe Sushmita Sen adopted her daughters Renee in 2000 and Alisah in 2010, becoming the first Indian celebrity to do so while unmarried

Moumita was left with nothing to look forward to after her relationship of many years ended. When the trauma drained, she began her quest to make life meaningful again, to find happiness again. It was then, three years ago, that she decided what she sought could only be found in giving shape to a fledgling life.

Arriving at this decision was a struggle in itself. What followed was a lifetime of challenges. But she smiles. “This is the best decision I have ever taken. Nothing else could have given me the love and peace I have found,” says Moumita (name changed). Till a few years back, Moumita was a rare case. Not any more. The list of requests for adoption by single mothers available with Metro shows that more and more women in the state are willing to play the role of both parents for a child without any.

According to the West Bengal State Adoption Resource Authority, 17 requests for adoption were placed by single parents in 2012 (till February 2013). “There would be a maximum of four to five requests in a year till four-five years back,” a senior official of the women development and social welfare department. “There has been a sharp rise in the number of requests in the last couple of years,” adds a senior official.

Diane Keaton, star of the Woody Allen classic Annie Hall, adopted her daughter Dexter in 1996 and son Duke (in picture) in 2001 while she was in her 50s

The recent interest contrasts sharply with the last few decades. Since 2001, Indian Society for Rehabilitation of Children (Ph: 24649640), a 34-year-old NGO based in south Calcutta, has enabled adoption for 476 couples and only five single moms. All except one of the single mothers had chosen girl children.

“Just a look at the ratio of adoptions by couples and single parents shows how rare the second one was,” says Madhumita Roy, secretary of the society. But now two women are registered with the society. “At least six others have shown a keen interest to adopt and have started preliminary discussions,” she added.

Sheela Adige, the secretary of Society for Indian Children’s Welfare (Ph: 22807176, 22903121), another NGO associated with adoption services for over three decades, says her NGO has given children to 498 couples and five single women in the last 23 years. Two single women are registered with SICW at the moment.

The break-up is not available nationally. “There are no separate records of couple or single-parent adoption,” says Kalyani Chadha, director, Union ministry of women and child development. But she agrees that single moms wanting to adopt children are growing in number. “Though the percentage of single-parent adoption is much lower, it is becoming a more common practice than it was even a few years back,” she adds.

Solo and pro

Charlize Theron, who won an Oscar for Monster, adopted her son Jackson in 2012, two years after her long relationship with actor Stuart Townsend ended

Sushmita Sen had stunned with her decision to adopt in 1998. “It was unheard of at that time. At 24, when I was applying, the system did not know how to process that request. Today there has been a 40 per cent increase of girl child adoption in our country,” says Sen, a former Miss Universe, whose case has been highlighted several times.

Ten years later, Moumita, not a celeb, has dared to take up the same challenge, and is faring well. The rise in the number of single adoptive mothers can be linked directly with the increase in the percentage of confident and financially independent women in society, feels sociologist Dalia Chakrobarty.

Doctors, engineers, IT professionals, bank managers, film-makers, lawyers — women from every kind of profession are coming forward to adopt a child, usually a girl. Moumita is an IT professional.

“The women are focused. They are eager to learn about parenting and hence don’t shy away from attending counselling sessions,” says Roy of ISRC.

These single moms, almost all of whom are in careers, may not want a family in the conventional sense, but seek fulfilment through motherhood. Not all of them choose to be single mothers because they are divorced or heart-broken. “Many women don’t want to marry, but they want to be mothers. For them singlehood is a natural choice, and so is motherhood,” says Chakrobarty.

It’s not easy

Not that the system makes it easy for single moms. Or for anyone. Adoption remains a long and arduous process. Single parents often have to wait longer as requests from couples are processed more readily.

Not all agencies are comfortable about adoption by single women. Couples are given first priority according to central government guidelines, followed by single women, then single men.

If adoption by a couple took a year on average, it took one and a half to two years for a single woman. Sometimes much longer, if at all.

A single woman originally from Calcutta, now working in Bangalore, recounts her experience. She admits she has not been single-minded, but in the past two years, she has registered herself three times at the CARA (Central Adoption Resource Authority) website, www.adoptionindia.nic.in, once for adoption from Calcutta, the other two times from Bangalore. She is yet to hear anything. “Now I’m eligible to adopt in both cities, but have no clue how to go about it,” she says.

In Bangalore, her offline experience has not been good, though “there are some encouraging stories around”. “One of the church-run adoption agencies that I did some preliminary inquiries into was quite discouraging about giving children to people outside the ‘conventional’ husband-wife family set-up,” she says.

She has been advised to leave word with hospitals and doctor-friends in Calcutta so that they can keep an eye out for children who are abandoned after birth.

The single mothers in the city agreed that only a handful of agencies would consider their requests.

A single woman’s counselling is more rigorous than of couples’. “We meet such women again and again, explain to them the possible hurdles in order to assess how determined they are about their decision,” says an adoption counsellor.

But most of the mothers said they understood why the agencies took more time.

For single mothers adoption also means sacrificing certain things in life, even if temporarily. A top-notch performer in her company, Moumita used to travel abroad almost every month. “I was a workaholic. Now I am a 10-to-5 employee and wish to continue being that for the next two years,” says Moumita. She feels that though nosy colleagues and gossiping neighbours still exist, mindsets are changing.

“I am thankful to my employers for letting me stay with my daughter as much as possible,” she added. “I couldn’t attend a single social event for more than two years,” says film-maker Paromita (name changed), who has an adopted son. But she is not complaining.

Papa-mamma

Calista Flockhart, best known for playing Ally McBeal, adopted her son Liam in 2001 while she was single. She is now raising him with Harrison Ford, whom she married in 2010

A single parent has to play both mom and dad, another big challenge.

Adoption experts say that many a times these women feel a bit guilty about not being able to present a father for the child. They want to walk the extra mile to “cover up” for that. Counsellors train them to explain the situation clearly to the child — and not feel any guilt. Emotional intelligence is another great tool. But sometimes the children themselves surprise with answers. It’s a reward in itself.

Paromita’s three year-old son was telling her how one of his friends came to school perched on his father’s shoulders. Paromita asked him, “Tomar ki ekta baba chai? (Do you want a father?)” She didn’t know to react when her son confidently replied, “Na toh! Amar toh tumi achho! (No! I already have you!)”

“He sometimes calls me papa or baba-ma! I have never taught him that. But maybe he does so because he sees me doing things that his friends’ fathers do. The happiness that I feel is inexplicable,” she says.

Greater family

Sometimes the single mother finds a support group in peers, but not in her family, though the support of the parent’s family is very important for the child.

Moumita bought an apartment when her elderly parents said they would not take any responsibility for her daughter. She stayed at her parents’ place for a month with the baby before shifting to her new home. Within a week, her parents knocked on her door as they were missing their granddaughter too much.

Adoption agencies also hold counselling sessions with immediate families before handing over the child. “Since the mother would be working, the child would be at home with the grandparents. Sensitising them is very important,” says Adige.

Welcome note

Schools have not been a problem for the mothers spoken to.“When I went to admit my son, they talked to me at length about my schedule and whether I would be able to look after his studies. Though the questions triggered off from my single status, their attitude was not negative,” says Paromita.

“We look at the child. Being a single mother is not a disqualification,” says Sunirmal Chakravarthi, the principal of La Martiniere for Boys.

“We run a background check on the mother’s financial stability and the home set-up but being single is not a problem,” says Anushree Ghose, the principal of Delhi Public School Ruby Park.

Seema Sapru, the principal of The Heritage School, says that the school has children adopted by single mothers.

The adoption process could open up far more in the city. Experts say the rate of single parent adoption has been higher in metros like Mumbai and Delhi than in Calcutta. And so far, generally successful professionals from Calcutta and its outskirts have chosen single motherhood.

But as Sushmita Sen points out, adoption should be a “calling” and she has “always clarified it should never be looked at as an act of charity”.

And there is no lack of determined single women. “CARA guidelines say it is illegal to discriminate against a single parent and his or her child. I will be my daughter’s guardian and that’s what she’ll write in all kinds of forms. I will teach her the concept of adoption from a very young age, so that no untoward question can hurt her,” says software professional Sarmistha Sen (name changed), who is eagerly awaiting the arrival of her daughter after the breakdown of an 11-year-long marriage.