Holi special

Stock up on jokes before the Hasya Kavi Sammelans around Holi

  • Published 27.02.15

Some ladies would sit in a park every day and an old man would observe them as they talked and laughed loudly. 
One day he saw all the ladies sitting quietly. Something serious must have happened, he thought.So he went to one of the ladies and asked:  “Why is everybody silent today?”
The lady replied: “Everybody is present today.”

Riches to rags
A man lies on his death bed, in a Salt Lake hospital, with his wife, children and nurse beside him.
Man to eldest son: You take the 15 bungalows in Alipore.
To daughter: You take the eight bungalows in Ballygunge.
To youngest son: You are my dearest and I want your future to be bright, so you keep the 20 offices in Sector V.
To wife: Dear Kabita, you keep all 11 flats in our New Town building .
Nurse (quite impressed) to wife: Wow! You are lucky to have such a rich husband who is giving you all his property.
Wife: What rich, what property! He is a milkman. He’s distributing our responsibilities of delivering milk to his clients in the morning.

How to seek leave
(Or how to murder the English language)
* “Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one week leave.”
* “I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”
* “My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave.”
* “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am the only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days’ leave.”

* From an employee who was performing the mundan ceremony of his 10-year-old son:
“As I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days.”

* From an employee who was organising his daughter’s wedding:
“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave.”

* Another employee applied for a half-day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o’clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave.”

* A leave letter to a headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today.”

* Another letter written to a headmaster:
“As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.”

* Covering note: 
“I am enclosed herewith.”

* Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my bottom...”

* The well-wisher’s message
“I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

Kitchen queen
Wife: Shall I prepare curry or soup today?
Husband: First make it. We will name it later.

Look before you plunge
A man brings his best friend  home for dinner unannounced at 5.30pm after work.
His wife begins screaming at 
him and his friend just sits and listens.
“My hair and make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pyjamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”
Husband answers: “Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

Price of silence
A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and the wife didn’t speak to him for six months.
Was the necklace fake?
No, that was the deal!

Irony of life
The lawyer hopes you get into trouble,
The doctor hopes you get sick,
The landlord hopes you don’t buy a house,
The dentist hopes your tooth decays,
The mechanic hopes your car breaks down,
The coffin-maker wants you dead.
Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life and a sound sleep.