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Valentine’s Day

Making short work of V-Day still a tall order

Valentine’s Day is lovely, but tough on everyone, writes comedian Vikram Poddar

Vikram Poddar | Published 12.02.23, 08:38 PM
Valentine's Day — not as easy as it looks

Valentine's Day — not as easy as it looks


It’s the season of love and China has expressed it with balloons. They sent a beautiful message to the Americans in a romantic balloon with the message “I will always watch over you”. Unfortunately, the gun-crazy cupids among the Americans shot dead the balloon because it was not heart shaped. Adani continues his love affair with Hindenburg like a vengeful ex-wife bent on collecting alimony. Smokers continue to find dating cigarettes is an expensive proposition. But this Valentine’s Day, we have been told to hug cows so I got onto Cow Bumble. Most profiles said “Vegans swipe left”. Many had cows dancing to Insta reel versions of “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”

But Valentine’s Day is tough on everyone. Every marketing agency has to slap its employees into making some Valentine’s Day promotion in the desperate hope the customers will fall in love with them. (The company, not the employees). Every HR has to dream up new ways to make employees fall in love with each other — fuelled by a common hatred of HR. Every sad lonely single columnist has to write articles about Valentine’s Day. (Present company excluded).


Every hotel employee has to suck it up as couples desperate to rekindle their romance kindle the serving staff’s nerves. Every restaurant waiter has to hold his smirk at the amount a guy is dishing out for a heart-shaped chocolate as small as the restaurant owner’s heart in the times of inflation. Every Swiggy Delivery boy fantasises about featuring in one of the fantasy delivery boy videos going around watched by many sad lonely singles (Present company excluded).

Every school kid, every college goer, every office bearer, every single human being on this planet has to suffer this insufferable festival of forced love. February 14 should coincide with the last day of income tax return filing. Watch as all the jokes about CAs being virgins who can’t get a date suddenly vanish. Now, apparently, this festival was named after one St Valentine who must be turning in his grave every single year around this time. This is a bit like naming National Hartal and Riot Day after Mother Teresa.

I remember getting back together with my on-off (sanity wise) girlfriend on the eve of Valentine’s Day. It was to set the tone for breaking up on the 7th and getting back on the 14th of every month for about seven months.

I also remember sitting with another girlfriend in the outdoor area of a café in Bandra all night because the hotel room we had booked for the occasion was cancelled due to an error in the website. But perhaps the error was in our stars. Which reminds me that astrologers tend to make a killing during Valentine’s Day as women will rather ask their girlfriends “Should I date a Virgo?” then go to therapy.

But lest I sound too sceptical of love, it has its caring moments. Like when you have to go through the entire Phoenix Mall for a band-aid because hers truly insisted on wearing self-crucifying shoes. And now you’re in an electronics store asking for a band-aid like a scene straight out of an Indie comedy. I mean what medical emergency could possibly arise in a place full of children, and adults behaving like kids. Because that’s what most of us do in relationships really. Adults who behave like kids. Perhaps love is a way for us to try and not grow up too fast. So, we find someone else who will indulge in our childhood games. And we just pray and hope that the game of “gudda guddi” we played as a kid has a happy ending, because that’s what the movies told us. So they could sell us the merchandise. Like a cryptocurrency of love that has all its value based only on a promise. And the notion of a greater fool. But enough about politics in this country!

Happy Valentine’s Day and remember to shower your love with likes, shares and comments.

The author is a Marwari investment banker turned corporate comedian. The views expressed in this article are his own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website.

Last updated on 12.02.23, 08:39 PM

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