| PROBLEM | |
I am 18 years old. I have always been very friendly with my uncle who is just 10 years older than me. But of late, he has taken to touching me occasionally. Name withheld | |
| First be sure of the nature of these “touches”. For your uncle, this could be just a way of showing his affection towards you. Perhaps he does not realise that you are grown-up now. Maybe he does not know where to draw the line between affection and sexual invitation. However, if you are sure of his intentions, then you may confide in your mother or you could talk directly to your uncle and solve the matter once and for all. | |
| Piyali Roy, | |
| Calcutta | |
| As you are an adult, you need to be able to take your own decisions. Your problem can be tackled very easily. Just say a big “NO” to that creep and please don’t be scared about the consequences. I think no wise and decent lady will ever regret losing such a filthy uncle. | |
| Dipan Dutta | |
| Cooch Behar | |
| The next time, stop him the moment he touches you. He might be thinking that you are enjoying his touch and might make further advances. And please don’t bother about hanging on to such a worthless relationship. | |
| Sweta Bohra | |
| Calcutta | |
| Rather than worry about keeping an abusive relationship, you ought to try and protect your self-esteem. If you are sure he is taking advantage of you, express your displeasure and avoid being with him alone. If he still doesn’t behave himself, take your mother into confidence. She will take care of everything. | |
| Rajesh Rai | |
| Salboni | |
| Our society teaches us to respect elders and, hence, your relatives may even refuse to believe you. But you must not passively condone or ignore such unethical behaviour. Avoid being alone with him and if you cannot completely avoid him, when he touches you the next time, firmly say something expressing your displeasure in such a way that other people can hear you. Do not feel embarrassed. Remember, it is he who should be ashamed, and not you. While this will startle and embarrass him, it will also make others notice the incident, which is very important, if you need their support in future. | |
| Bishakha Ghosh | |
| Harish Mukherjee Road | |
| It is clear that you are acquiescing in your uncle’s incestuous advances towards you. The very fact that you feel telling him about this would spoil your relationship is indicative of your acquiescence. On the contrary, it is your silence on the matter that will spoil the relationship and then, the damage done would be irreparable. Please note that he will become more confident if this is allowed to go on. This could have disastrous consequences for your future lives. | |
| S. Padmanabhan | |
| Bilaspur | |
| First understand the intention behind your uncle’s behaviour. Some people do not have enough sense about these matters. He may think that you are still a little girl, although you are 18. Does he do this to any of your female cousins or other girls? If so, talk to him directly without bothering about the relationship, or, take your parents’ help. | |
| Avijit Nag | |
| Behala | |
| Sexual harassment within the family is a dark secret that is often not brought out in the open. Do not take this matter lightly. Ask your mother to deal with it. Make sure that you are never alone with him. If necessary, talk to your uncle and tell him that you are not a child anymore and that he should not touch you. If he really cares for you, he will not mind you being open about this matter. | |
| Dr Anjana Maitra | |
| Rourkela | |
| Every relationship should have its limits. If your uncle has forgotten that you are his niece, it is your duty to remind him. Why are you so bothered about this relationship? Isn’t your uncle the one who has taken the first step towards spoiling it? Your dignity is more important to you than your uncle, so stop him at once. | |
| Aparna Mukherjee | |
| Guwahati | |
| As this tender age, one moment of indiscretion can destroy your life forever. So, follow the old saying, ‘a stitch in time saves nine’ and sever all connection with him immediately. | |
| Debasish Chakraborty, | |
| Balasore, Orissa | |
| If you feel that your uncle is deliberately touching you then your ‘friendly relationship’ is already spoilt. So you have nothing to lose. Move away from him if he touches you ‘accidentally’. If matters don’t improve, then it’s time for you to tell him as well as your parents. You could do yet another thing. When the answers to your Response question are published, you could leave the paper on your uncle’s table. He’s bound to take the hint. | |
| Amrita Tapader | |
| Calcutta | |
| Your uncle seems to be a real wolf in sheep’s clothing. Without losing any more time, give your so-called uncle a thorough dressing down and impress it upon him that you’re not a mere lamb that you will succumb to his evil desires. | |
| Dr Sandhya. S | |
| Jamshedpur | |
| You should tell your uncle not to touch you. If he continues to do it, tell your parents. Once others come to know about this, he’ll feel embarrassed and perhaps stop this behaviour. Keeping quiet won’t help matters in any way. | |
| Prasanta Kumar Ghosh | |
| Barasat | |
| Next month’s Response question | |
| Readers are requested to respond to the following problem. All answers should reach us within a fortnight and be within 150 words. You can also e-mail us: themes@abpmail.com or, fax your answers to 033 2225 3142 2236 1208. | |
| Got married recently. It was an arranged marriage and we were told that the groom was a doctor. After the wedding, I found out that my husband is a medical college dropout and does not work anywhere. I am considering divorce now. But the problem is that I have become pregnant. Should I go ahead with the divorce? Name and address withheld | |
You deserve applause for having the courage to talk about your uncle’s behaviour. You are setting an example to others in similar circumstances and inspiring them to seek help to protect and heal themselves. There are a lot of people like your uncle who start touching their nieces or cousins or sisters or daughters in a manner that apparently seems harmless, accidental or even affectionate. This is soon converted into an abusive relationship which can lead to serious psychological trauma for the one abused. Your uncle is a sexual abuse perpetrator. You must stop all contact with him immediately. Also, you must inform your parents about his behaviour so that they can prevent him from harming children in the family or outside. In case you do not get any support from your parents, share it with someone you can trust. You need to understand that there is no relationship with your uncle to ‘spoil’. Your friendship with him is unwanted. His behaviour shows that he has no respect for you at all. You have courage, and you need to stand up for yourself even if some people close to you try to blame you. At your age the world is your oyster. Verbally identify yourself as a survivor and not a victim of sexual abuse. If possible, consult a psychotherapist for any residual feelings you may be experiencing to resolve the issue. | |
Wednesday, 02 July 2025
