PROBLEM I am a 30-year-old single, working woman. I do not wish to get married immediately but I want to adopt a child. However, my family is completely against the idea and wants me to get married and have my own kids instead. What should I do? Please advise. | |
| If you have decided not to marry ever, then it would be a good idea to adopt a child. But if you later decide to tie the knot, your husband may not accept the child. He may even resent the attention you give to him/her. A chauvinist may well find the adopted child to be an affront to his virility. | |
| Chameli Pal Batanagar | |
| You say that you don’t want to get married immediately. So, it means that you may get married in the future. And then what treatment will the child receive from your in-laws and your husband? If you don’t get married, you will find it difficult to provide the child with proper care and education on your own. | |
| Swarnali Biswas | |
| Calcutta | |
| You haven’t mentioned who your family members are. I assume they are your parents and may be a sibling and they have appointed themselves as your guardians. But as a working woman of 30, who is earning her own livelihood, aren’t you grown up enough to take your own decisions? Must you please everybody in this world? Marriage isn’t a panacea. If you feel you’re not ready for marriage, don’t get into it just to please your family. Believe me, you’ll be much better off with your adopted child and your independence. | |
| Mihir Chakravarti | |
| Calcutta | |
| Adopting a child and then getting married is a bad idea. Also, adoption may not always bring happiness. Despite adopting a child, your life may feel empty. It would be a better idea to tie the knot now. This will make yours parents happy too. | |
| Kunal Modo | |
| Purulia | |
| You cannot adopt a child as you are unmarried. It is always advisable to adopt a child only after marriage, so that both the husband and the wife can work towards building the child’s future. Since you are already 30, why not get married now? | |
| T.R. Anand | |
| I don’t know why you don’t want to get married and want to adopt a child instead. If you adopt a child and stay single, you will be its sole guardian. But if you get married and have a child of your own, he or she will be better cared for by both of you. Hence, please go by your family’s advice and don’t take any rash decisions. | |
| Prasun Mullick | |
| Calcutta | |
| You are grown up enough to decide what you want in life. And it shouldn’t be a problem because you are working and supporting yourself. Adopting a child is a very noble deed. Your family should not oppose the idea. Try to make them understand your point of view. But if they don’t understand it, you still have the right to adopt a child. | |
| Arpita Mukherjee | |
| Keshtopur | |
| Please do not take any hasty decision. Wait for sometime and think about what you really want. You may want to have a companion and your own kids later. Your adopted child may then feel unwanted and it will be an injustice to him or her. | |
| Sweta Bohra | |
| Calcutta | |
| Your idea is great. Legally, you can adopt a child, but won’t it be difficult to look after the child, as you are a working woman and spend 8 to 10 hours away from home? You should first marry and then adopt a child. It is also possible that you have a psychological problem. You may need to consult a psychologist | |
| Rajesh Mukherjee | |
| Bandel | |
| Your desire to remain single is a personal decision. But you may regret it later in life. You will realise that a woman derives great satisfaction from becoming a mother. It is never the same with an adopted child. | |
| Jang Bahadur Singh | |
| Jamshedpur | |
| Today, women no longer need husbands to support them and men no longer need wives to cook and clean. Remaining unmarried by choice is becoming an increasingly attractive lifestyle option. But you will have to introspect and be sure about why you don’t want to marry. Anyone can decide to adopt and nurture a child. But do think about it some more. For, this is a lifetime decision. But it’s also true that parents make plans for their children. So there’s nothing wrong if your parents want you to get married. | |
| S. Mitra | |
| Calcutta | |
| Instead of adopting a child, why not adopt a husband first? Our society has not yet become so liberal as to accept an unwed mother. Better marry now and satisfy your natural craving to be a mother by having a child of your own. | |
| Rabindra Nath Bhattacherjee | |
| Durgapur | |
| Adopting a child is a noble idea but you should be sure about your intention. It should not be a passing whim of yours. You should have 100 per cent commitment towards the child. But you may face many problems when you ultimately do wish to get married. If at that point you start neglecting the child, it would be terribly unfair. | |
| Falgusree Dasgupta | |
| Santiniketan | |
| To marry or not should be your decision and no one can compel you to do it, not even your parents. Tell them politely but firmly that you do not want to marry right now. Adopt a child if you are financially secure. After all, it is your life and you have the right to live it your way. | |
| Suresh Prasad | |
| Darjeeling | |
| Next month’s Response question | |
| Readers are requested to respond to the following problem. All answers should reach us within a fortnight. All answers should be within 150 words and should be accompanied by this coupon. Readers can also e-mail us at themes@abpmail.com or fax their answers to 033 2225 3142 2236 1208. | |
| I am a 27-year-old woman and a home science graduate. I would love to stay home and look after my three-year-old child. But my husband says that I should take up a job because he prefers a double-income family. What should I do? | |
| Name and address withheld | |
| EXPERT EYE | |
| Mahuya Ghosh - Consultant psychaitrist | |
Your decision to adopt a child is a noble one. You will not face any legal or moral problems if you do this. However, since your idea is so very non-traditional, you will have to face various types of social pressures. Your family members’ negative attitude is an indication of things to come. You have not mentioned why you want to delay your marriage. It seems you are not very clear about the challenges that marital life brings. From a practical point of view, your family is not very wrong in wanting to see you married first. But you must surely have your reasons to feel the way you do. You may not have considered the issue from all sides. Why should a child grow up with a single parent for no reason? Besides, you may get married later on. Right now, you may think that your would-be husband and your child will get along well. That may not be so. Besides, if you have your own child after marriage, you are again inviting trouble for everyone, including yourself. If your family fears that the child you want to adopt may be of doubtful parentage, convince them that environment also plays an important role in the upbringing of a child. If adopting a child is very important for you, it can be done after your marriage. That is, if your spouse agrees to it and you still want to do it. | |
Monday, 07 July 2025
