I am a student of Class X. Recently I screwed up my biology exam big time! I had really been working very hard on this subject. I knew almost all the answers but didn’t have sufficient time to complete my paper and had to leave questions worth 20 marks unanswered. I can’t concentrate on the other subjects now. Please don’t curse me. What should I do now?

S. Dey, Calcutta

Why on earth should I curse you? You are so blessed. There are very few people in this world who can ever ‘screw’ up their biology exam in Class X! In fact, I think you have a great future ahead of yourself. Try the Chattra Parishad if it still exists and you might make a career for yourself in politics. See the whole world is before you son so why are you anxious? Just fail in a few more subjects and we’ll all be delighted!

I work in an MNC and am the only woman in the department. All my male colleagues smoke. And whenever we step out for tea or even go out, their smoking bothers me. I have tried telling them that but they just bully me into keeping quiet. I want to teach them a lesson. Any ideas?

Seema Pant, Calcutta

Sure, being a smoker myself I can tell you the best thing for you to do would be to start smoking. If it hurts you so much that other people legitimately smoke, then you have two options: to buy yourself a covering around your mouth or change either your department or your job. This smoker-bashing is insane and best left to clowns like Anbumani Ramadoss and his ilk. Why should you take up this silly cause? Smoking is good for those who smoke. Live and let smoke my dear!

Could you suggest a way to help my little 10-year-old son tackle a couple of bullies in his school? Though he has never told me anything, I’ve seen them tease him. I can make out that my son tries to stand up to them but fails because they outnumber him.

Partha, Calcutta

The next time he goes to school, send your servant with him and tell him to swing out at the rascals. Bullies are best handled when you beat the hell out of them. That is the only language they know. Make your son throw a couple of stones at those rascals and watch the situation turn. There is no way. Those days of Gandhianhood where you turn the other cheek are over. Turn the other one and they will slap that too. Today we live in what I call the Subhas Chakraborty age. You have to be a man. Simple.

I am a 19-year-old girl, into a relationship for five years. My parents are dead against our relationship since my boyfriend is a Muslim. We love each other a lot and can’t even think of a break-up. I am in two minds about my next move. Is there a way to sort out my problem?

Suman, Jamshedpur

Yes. Marry him. And with what’s happening in the world and in Indian politics, you might get very lucky marrying a Muslim. Besides, in this day and age who cares who you marry. Eventually you will go through a divorce. All these marriages fail only because there is no cultural harmony. Yours will too but until that happens enjoy the kebabs while they last!