I am a college student. Recently I was making out with my girlfriend in the classroom and a friend photographed us casually. Now he is blackmailing me with the photograph. I am dead scared. If the college authorities or my parents get hold of the picture, I will be grounded for life. What should I do?

Ratan, via e-mail

Nothing. Just imagine the world ahead of you. India’s first grounded porn star who is an absolute dolt. An idiot to boot. First, there are better places to make out. Try the Salt Lake Stadium since your making out would be more attractive than the standard of football there. If all else fails try the Maidan and see what the army does to you. But why a classroom son? As for the friend, he is just plain jealous. Take him head-on. Tell him to go ahead and spread the good word and see what happens.

I am a 27-year-old woman. I got married four years ago and have a two-year-old daughter. I think my husband is cheating on me. I have caught him with other women in public places. He even talks to other women late at night when he thinks I am sleeping. Recently I have been talking and sharing my problems with a male friend. Though I have been very faithful to my husband, I feel I am quite attracted to this friend. Cheating on my husband will make me feel very guilty yet I am tempted to transcend boundaries. I am a little confused. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

Do not be confused. Just go for it. There is nothing better than adultery in this world except of course, Anadi Cabin’s Moglai paratha and even that has many layers: just like your marriage. So go for it. I adore adulterous women. If you weren’t around, what would this column be all about? Just go ahead and sleep with that bloke and keep me posted…on my private e-mail address.

I am a 20-year-old woman. My parents got separated a couple of years ago. After that incident, my father turned into a compulsive womaniser. He has affairs with a number of women and he even flirts with my friends. I also feel that my father does not care about my feelings any more. He has become very unapproachable. I am feeling very distressed and neglected. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

There is nothing to be distressed about. All men need women and every father wants to believe he can be as charming to his daughter’s friends as to women his age so your dad is no exception. Just let him be. Once he gets slapped or beaten up, he will walk the straight and narrow. In fact my suggestion is to encourage your friends to give him a walloping and see how he behaves post that!

I am a 24-year-old woman. I went abroad on an internship for three months. There I fell in love with an American colleague. Though he likes me, I am apprehensive of settling down with him due to differences in our background. Do you think cultural differences matter when it comes to relationships?

Tarun, via e-mail

Obama has travelled through every goddamn continent and he is now the President and you are worried about one silly relationship? Trust me, you will be better off with an American than most Indians so just go for it and leave us Indian men alone. Have a fine life.

I am a 28-year-old man. I lost my mother a few months ago. My father has naturally taken this very badly. But what’s worse is, he tried to hurt himself. I am worried since I have to go out for work and can’t keep him under constant vigil. Can you suggest what to do? Should I seek psychiatric help?

Name and address withheld

Look, I don’t want to sound funny but the truth of the matter is that your father is under considerable trauma and you would be better off seeking professional help rather than wasting my time and yours by writing silly letters to me. You get the drift, son?

I am a 24-year-old woman. I’ve studied science. But I want to become a journalist. My parents are dead against this. They have threatened to get me married immediately if I join any newspaper. What should I do?

Kriti, via e-mail

Trust me, in these times, marriage is better than joining a newspaper unless of course it is the ABP Group (they are now paying me extra for such plugs: sweet of them): so my advice is it is better to get a husband than to get an editor though many editors have tried to seduce every young thing that walks in to this career but that is for my autobiography.

We are a group of six men, desperately in search of jobs but we are unable to find any. We are thinking of shifting to immoral means in search of easy money. But at the same time, the thought of it is making us feel guilty. What should we do?

Name and address withheld

Just go ahead and float a political party or better still create the Manav Sena for Mamata Banerjee and get on with bandhs, slogans, extortion and mafia-like activity. I would urge you to become immoral: India is suffering because we have too many honest people: we need rogues such as you so please go ahead!

I am a 15-year-old boy. I love a girl a lot and she also loves me. But the problem is that she is shifting to Darjeeling. I cannot think of life without her. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Move to Darjeeling. The hill girls are in any case better than the townies so if your girlfriend snubs you, you can have your fill from those vast valleys if you know what I mean son?

I am a 16-year-old boy. My parents keep thinking I have an illicit relationship with one of my cousins. This is irritating me and my cousin to no extent. Even her parents have started suspecting us and never leave us alone when we are together. Please help.

Name and address withheld

Just ignore them and if you have any brains, now start having one. What is the point of being blamed for something you’ve not done. Under these circumstances you might as well: is she nice? Let me know.

I am a 22-year-old woman, married and have a one-year-old child. My problem is that my husband keeps betting on horse races. Due to his addiction, we are in debt now. Even under such circumstances, he continues betting on the sly, as he knows I do not like this habit. His addiction is ruining our family life. How do I tackle this situation?

Name and address withheld

There is nothing I can do. Pray there is some equine flu and the races get cancelled. Or else look forward happily to a life of destitution and think of how you will cope. The other option is to divorce this scoundrel and start afresh!

HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous

10A, Nandan Road, Near Ganja Park
Calcutta 700025
Ph: 24191174
E-mail: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com

For free help on alcoholism
Contact: Volunteers on line
Timings: 2.00 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays

Lifeline Foundation

Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432

Free, anonymous and confidential tele helpline service giving emotional support for people who are depressed, distressed or suicidal

Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Monday through Saturdays

Society for positive atmosphere & related support to hiv/aids (sparsha)

AE-36, Rabindra Pally,
P.- Prafulla Kanan
Calcutta — 700 101
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529 9856

Tele-counselling and face-to-face counselling on issues concerning relationships, sex education and free and confidential testing, counselling and information on HIV & AIDS

Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Mondays through Fridays

Kornash ( The lifestyle management school )

139B Rashbehari Avenue,
Calcutta — 700 029
Ph: 9830149919

Interactive sessions on personality enhancement, stress reduction, lifestyle management, behavioural modification for children, marital counselling and psychotherapy

Contact: Counsellors on line
Timings: 12 p.m. to 8 p.m.,
Mondays through Saturdays

Society for nature, education and health (sneh)

Flat — 2B, 48/1, Chakraberia
Road (North) Calcutta — 700 020
Ph: 2486 7404, 2486 1940

E-mail: sneh@cal2.vsnl.net.in

Psychotherapy for children,adolescents and adults suffering from behavioural and emotional problems

Timings: 10.00 a.m. to 5.00 p.m.
Mondays through Saturdays