Engelbert Humperdinck

While lots of you were analysing European Cup soccer, and many of the rest discussing World Music Day celebrations in June, I was focusing on matters both musical and Eurocompetitive. More precisely, I was thinking: Shed a tear for Engelbert Humperdinck, somebody… anybody.

Poor chap. As if it wasn’t bad enough to be called out of semi-retirement at 76, referred to affably as The Hump or Humpers, and be touted as the UK’s best award hope in more than a decade at the Eurovision Song Contest 2012, a music competition for (predominantly) pretty, puerile and peppy pop performers. He had to come in second from the bottom.

How could this happen after BBC took the unprecedented step of selecting a former musical heavyweight for the kitschy competition which UK last won in 1997? Simple.

They Got The Wrong Man. Come on, Humperdinck couldn’t have been the only British music act with an impressive past record. So here’s what I think might have influenced the choice: they (whoever ‘they’ may be) were looking for a singer with…

A sound of a bygone era: At a competition where most entries concentrated on raucous rhythms Humperdinck, still remembered for his Sixties hit The Last Waltz, crooned Love Will Set You Free, a sedate waltz described by music critic Neil McCormick as “a performance so retro it would have been old fashioned even when Engelbert was a superstar”.

An Elvis connection and/or a taste for jewellery: The Hump reportedly carried into the competition a necklace given to him years ago by Elvis, when the two used to hang out together. Sadly, despite the charisma and spirit that Humperdinck hoped the charm would bring him, his actual performance only garnered 12 points (the winning song bagged 372).

A distinctive sartorial sense: Whereas for most participants (and voters) style seemed to be at least as important as substance, Humpers began the proceedings in a suit, to be followed by acts in spacesuits and robes, often accessorised by what might have been giant insects and snakes. If he stood out from the competition, it was as the musical equivalent of a Test specialist at a t20 event.

An India/Calcutta connection: Remember Engelbert was born Arnold George Dorsey to an Anglo-Indian family. And while he wasn’t a Calcuttan, the city connection is pretty strong in the form of the thousands of radio requests for his songs on Musical Band Box in the past — Wait a minute, I’ve just thought of another performer satisfying all these requirements.

He was born in India and, in fact, hails from Calcutta. Like Engelbert, he has reached pensionable age, and has had a distinguished musical career, being most closely associated with a kind of music that was ‘in’ three decades ago. He has dressed in costumes that remind you of Elvis, and on top of that, he has worn enough jewellery to sink the Titanic…

Bappi Lahiri would have been a way better choice than Engelbert, anyday. Now, if only he were eligible to represent UK at Eurovision …

The writer, who teaches English at a city college, often wishes he could play music instead. He can be reached at kushal_biswas@hotmail.com