Teetar ke do aagey Teetar

Rather a tempting and tormenting bird this teetar. It can be luscious but once inside it can give your innards a right royal rumble. It can lure you in its pursuit, lead you on and on and on, then land you how you wouldn't want to land - on all fours, face down with your seat belt unbuckled and your phone still in flight mode. Like the teetar you were after.

By Lazy Eye-Sankarshan Thakur
  • Published 18.03.18
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Rather a tempting and tormenting bird this teetar. It can be luscious but once inside it can give your innards a right royal rumble. It can lure you in its pursuit, lead you on and on and on, then land you how you wouldn't want to land - on all fours, face down with your seat belt unbuckled and your phone still in flight mode. Like the teetar you were after.

How fervently and sincerely I hope and pray Mahadeb hasn't gone chasing after one of them teetars because the possibilities that come to mind are dire; I shudder to think what a teetar can do to a man chasing with two spindly legs flapping under a lungi ridden with holes. Don't Mahadeb, desist, resist; you have to resume being the chaiwala atop the stove, a high station that is, though nowhere near as high as the one The Chaiwala has. The Chaiwala is a teetar chaser, big time, but he has, unlike Mahadeb, all the time and the wares for teetar-chasing. And the requirement, no less, because most men who have forsaken serving other things in the interest of serving their nations do so chasing teetar. BlondieDuck, for instance. Teetar has inspired him to inspire a whole nation anew; MATA, is his resonant magic mantra, MakeArmouricaTeetarAgain.

Teetar, bhaaiyon aur behnon, is nothing to trifle with or knock or even mildly mock. It has, by now, God only knows how many people following it, and those God only knows how many people each have God only knows how many more following them. Some of them followers are fake or bought or just bots - TheBossOfAllThings being TheBossOfAllThings bosses these rankings too with a soaring high of 67 per cent fakery following him about - but teetar followers they all are, certified as fake by teetar but notified as followers by no less an authority than teetar with a capital T and a tick.

But it's best to beware of going too far after teetar. It can catch you on the wrong foot and trip you. And that achieved, it can come to shit all over you as you lie on all fours, face down, with your seat belt unbuckled.

Now it is quite true that the value and virtues of teetar shit have not yet been scientifically analysed so we are not yet sure if it is a bad thing or a good thing. Shit, we know can be a good thing even long after shit has been shat. Remember GobarDhanKiBaat? Teetar shit hasn't yet a designated nomenclature like GibarDhan but loads of it have recently come to fall upon those who every day sing praises of cowshit and bullshit. So much that they have been scampering about desperately trying to wash before anyone notices a bird shat on them and they looked up to see what happened and the bird shat on them again.

And they have no one but their very own and dear KhaaJaaPaa to blame. In what moment of mindlessness did the KhaaJaaPaa brass decide to not merely welcome but also adorn with a seat in the upper TowerOfBabble this utterly uncouth and anti-national wastrel who goes by the name of PareshMuggerwal? How could they? This man who called Vishnu a whiskey swiller and Ram a rumbaaz? Who stood there babbling on live television in the upper TowerOfBabble some heretical balderdash about Hanuman and tharra? What's tharra, by the way, the pious ones in the KhaaJaaPaa had wondered and were told it is another word for narangi. And when they heard narangi, which is another word for tharra, they rightly found it admissible - team colour, that's quite all right then. But there was still some answering to do. Because they had gone chasing after PareshMuggerwal with a hatchet in teetar. AreMessMess Tinker and Spintellectual, Prof. Bakesh Hinhina had called him an agent of Bakistan and demanded his arrest by not one but several agencies. Ms PrettyGandi, the original MrsG, had shamed his shaming of the divinities. "Shamelss!" she had said, "openly abusing Gods" (As it would have been okay to do so not openly.) But now that same shameless Bakistani agent was in the KaaJaaPaa instead of being in jail, or better still, Bakistan. And Prof. Bakesh Hinhina and PrettyGandi were busy scrubbing their teetar shit which had come to drop so profusely on their pates and other parts.

Terrible trickster this teetar

At the unkindest moment it hits

And the worst thing dear Paul and Peter

Is that it also shits.