Monday, 30th October 2017

E- paper

The biggest show on earth

Bengal has been cured already. Only Kerala remains

  • Published 14.06.19, 3:54 PM
  • Updated 14.06.19, 3:54 PM
  • 2 mins read
  •  
Detail from a painting that depicts a scene from the battle of Kurukshetra of the Mahabharata epic, painted circa 1820 (Wikimedia Commons)

I want to earn sabka vishwas. I want to give you swabhiman. I want to give you swatantrata. I will give you desh bhakti.

I will give you swachhata. I will give you nari shakti. I will give you employment. I will give them scholarships. They are beginning to know their place.

I will give you Kurukshetra. I will give you spectacle. I will give you fireworks. I will give you ma phaleshu. I will give you kadachana. I will give them hellfire. I will give you Pakistan.

I will be your chowkidar. I will design your Enemy. I will slaughter your Enemy. It is a fabulous game. You can download it easily.

I will give you samskara. I will give you brahmacharya. I will give you khaki shorts. I will give you 56 inches. I will give you the promised mandir.

I will teach you yoga. I will teach you meditation. I will teach you antar mauna. I will teach you deep breathing. I will teach you nadi shodhana. You will breathe in shuddhata. You will breathe out impurities. You will flush out the toxins. You will flush them out of this country. If they still don’t know their place.

I will give you caves of ice. I will give you costume change. I will give you a fashion parade. I will give you cinema. I will give you a biopic. (But it is so bad, I will see to it that it is released after the elections.)

Because mine is the biggest show. I will give you manoranjan. You can’t take your eyes off me. I can practise sammohan.

I will give you ayurveda. I will cure you of your doshas. I will cure you of vata, pitta and kapha. A lot of it has to do with eating fish. Bengal has been cured already. Only Kerala remains.

I will give a few interviews. I will choose a Bollywood star. He will ask me cute questions. Some journalists are really ridiculous. They want to ask me real questions. I have taught them how to eat mangoes.

I will teach you kapalbhati. It is good for belly fat.

I will teach you bhadrasana. You can find it on YouTube.

I will keep my mouth shut when they are lynched. This is called maunavrata. But when I speak, my words will rise. Slow and poised, they will rise and strike. My syntax moves like a ticking bomb.

I will give you Sanskrit words, but not too much. My words pack a rustic punch.

I will keep the Enemy alive. To him I owe my power. I hope the border keeps on burning.

I will keep my tweeting strong. I will keep WhatsApping you. I am great at social media.

The boys in the IT cell are cool. They generate their own set of facts. Some feel they made me win. I will treat the trolls to dinner.

I will keep the stock market going. I will make it scream with pleasure. I will show you NRI dandiya. I will link all the rivers. I wish you improved Uber ratings. I wish you a larger Swiggy platter. I will give you sab ka vikas.

Now I will tell you my mann ki baat. I am here to stay. Stay for long.

Kyunki, saas bhi kabhi bahu thi. They will get it now.

Kyunki, “Yada yada hi dharmasya glanirbhavati bharata/ abhyutthanamadharmasya tadatmanam srijamyaham/ paritranaya sadhunang vinashaya cha dushkritam/ dharmasangsthapanarthaya sambhabami yuge yuge.”

My show will go on, even when I am gone.

But the script will be in Devnagri. Too bad if you don’t know Hindi.