With the planet’s richest gossip club congregating for its annual catch-up in Davos, a Saudi billionaire-turned-whistleblower has revealed what really goes on behind closed doors at the World Economic Forum’s (WEF) signature event. Apart from ensuring that the world’s wealthiest remain pale, male and out of jail, 2023’s agenda is about debating and discussing the various ways in which governments can be remote-controlled from space, CEOs can be compensated sufficiently for breathing, and job cuts can be synchronised to make global recession seem like an act of nature.
Meanwhile, offended by India overtaking China as the world’s most populous country, Xi Jinping has been involved in a series of conversations with his closest aides over whether the time has finally come to count the Uighurs in the Chinese region of Xinjiang as human beings.
Elsewhere, the Democrats have defended Joe Biden for bringing official documents home during his tenure as Vice-President of the US on the grounds that “everyone knows that Mr Biden suffers from an acute case of selective amnesia”. Whether such a defence stands up to a US department of justice investigation quite as smoothly as it did to complaints of sexual assault against Biden will be intriguing to be see.
Wondering what else happened while you recollected how your ex used “selective amnesia” upon mistaking your best friend for you? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
January 16
Should he win the Australian Open this year, Novak Djokovic will donate his entire prize money to hotels accommodating refugees in Melbourne
TT archives- On his return to the Australian Open, Novak Djokovic declares that “I will only sign autographs and pose for pictures with fans who can prove that they haven’t been vaccinated against Covid-19”.
- With the Men’s FIH Hockey World Cup underway in Odisha, every player in the Indian team has reached out to at least three media publications with requests for an exclusive interview.
January 17
The Gariahat Hawkers’ Association (GHA) has accused Dolce & Gabbana of plagiarising the design for their monkey caps from the streets of Kolkata
TT archives- Banks across Kolkata see a sudden spike in personal loan applications after Dolce & Gabbana starts selling monkey caps worth more than what most Bengalis spend on fish in a year.
- Quiet quitting, which has taken over white-collar jobs (the real white supremacy) in the West, is now going viral in India. Trends include not waiting for one’s boss to leave before signing out for the day, not attending every senior’s housewarming party and not sending WhatsApp reminders to colleagues to check their emails.
January 18
J.P. Nadda’s extended tenure means he will not be pursuing his PhD in political platitudes anytime soon
TT archives- J.P. Nadda will stay on as BJP president till the 2024 polls and beyond as no other BJP leader is interested in giving press conferences.
- A new documentary by BBC on Narendra Modi has been allowed to stay on YouTube after the BJP IT Cell calculated that the programme’s British anchor called Modi “charismatic” on seven different occasions.
January 19
With politics out of the way, Jacinda Ardern can now focus fully on speaking at convocations and guest-editing magazines
TT archives- In a rude shock for woke-wingers across the world who think “every good policy is about empathy”, Jacinda Ardern resigns as Prime Minister of New Zealand, since “I can no longer think of how to trend on Instagram”.
- With NATO belatedly approving a “Tanksgiving Operation” for Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky has instructed his armed forces to distribute all incoming tanks in a ratio of 3:1 between the frontlines and the studios.
January 20
Shakira’s new song, “No Clean Sheets”, is set to star every single footballer who has scored multiple times against Gerard Pique
Unsplash- Shakira, the new role model for 40-something women feeling inadequate, says: “I was convinced that Gerard [Pique] was cheating on me when I didn’t find a single song of mine on his Spotify Wrapped.”
- Cate Blanchett’s Tar, which was brave enough to call out toxic masculinity by locating it in a female protagonist, has become the first Hollywood film to have more awards than viewers.
