Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
Starlink is set to launch in India with Elon Musk realising that it is far more profitable to help Indian uncles wish each other good morning than save the lives of woke soldiers in Ukraine. With Airtel and Jio desperate to partner with Starlink, Musk announces that he will collaborate with whichever company’s leadership owns more Teslas. However, Musk remains mum on whether Starlink will roll out a special service for select Indian men (with deep pockets and hollow hearts) to finetune the geo-tracking of their wives and daughters.
Meanwhile, Starlink’s least demanding client, the US government, which has withdrawn funding from Ukraine until it accepts that Russia’s invasion was strictly pre-emptive, is looking for fresh adventures abroad. Among the early contenders are countries guilty of not having a single McDonald’s outlet.
Elsewhere, the White House issues a “mind blowingly lucrative challenge” to developers to design the ongoing Gaza conflict as a video game so that American policymakers do not have to endure text-only briefs.
Wondering what else happened as you followed your manager on LinkedIn just in time for appraisal season? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
March 10
Lalit Modi has accused Vanuatu of being racist and taking bribes only from white billionaires Getty Images
- The government of Vanuatu cancels Lalit Modi’s passport as well as his plans to host a T5 cricket league in the country after Modi fails to name at least three Vanuatuan cities.
- With Indian players busy shooting ads for the upcoming season of the IPL, senior BCCI officials along with the ICC’s chief cheerleader will travel across nine Indian cities parading the most recent fruit of their labour — the Champions Trophy.
March 11
“Donald Trump has convinced Canadians that our greatest threat aren’t people setting up kebab shops,” says Mark Carney Getty Images
- As his first major move, new Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney confers the Order of Canada on Donald Trump for “surpassing ice hockey and Ryan Gosling in being the greatest unifier for Canadians this century”.
- After interacting with it for more than 72 hours at a stretch, the Dalai Lama names the latest version of ChatGPT as his successor.
March 12
The iPhone 16e is so cheap that lower middle-class households no longer need to contemplate organ donation to purchase it Getty Images
- Apple rubbishes reports that the manufacturing of its budget-friendly iPhone 16e (economical for to-be millionaires) involved cost-cutting through the automation of jobs, citing in-depth data about how the “production of the phone optimised the use of voluntary child labour”.
- Advocates of Vishwa Guru rejoice on X after India finishes behind Bangladesh and Pakistan as the third-most polluted country in Asia.
March 13
“I don’t know if it will happen… but god willing… Shahid and I may end up doing a podcast together soon,” shares Kareena Kapoor Khan Getty Images
- Following several years of Jab We Hate, Kareena Kapoor Khan and Shahid Kapoor caught up at the red carpet of the IIFA Awards, sending Gen Z influencers into a tizzy. “We both checked in on each other and asked for how long we were able to survive Nadaaniyan,” said Kareena to Zoom Out.
- Manchester United unveil ideas for a fresh, state-of-the-art stadium designed for elite entertainment, including Coldplay concerts, international rugby matches and Indian weddings. Set to open in 2030, the venue is expected to make United the richest sports organisation in the world, even though the club’s football team will continue to play at Old Trafford.
March 14
Vendors selling green colour will need to seek prior police permission in five different states across India Getty Images
- In keeping with the spirit of One Nation, One Colour, the Centre advises all those celebrating Holi to use a single colour (somewhere on the spectrum between Fanta and khakhra) for the annual exhibition of permissible perversion, as research from unnameable sources prove that the said colour has health advantages for Indian skin.
- Bengal’s most underrated painter has officially accepted an invitation from the UK’s most overrated university (at the 164th time of asking) to speak on the art of evading responsibility. The speech will be followed by half-an-hour of open floor conversation on the condition that every person asking a question must purchase at least one of the speaker’s paintings.
