Liz with Damian’s father Steve Bing

Uncle Warnie says I don’t have to call him “Father” or “Dad” when he marries my Mummy. Obviously I can drop the “Uncle” bit and just call him “Warnie”. Since we will be family, he says he will stop calling me “Damian” and show his affection by calling me “Pommie Bastard”.

Warnie asked my Mummy to marry him in between playing golf in Scotland last week and even bought her an engagement ring almost exactly like the one Kate Middleton has.

My Mummy, who is the bestest mummy who has ever appeared in Hello!, hates being called “Liz”. She tells everyone her name is “not Liz but Elizabeth”. Uncle Warnie calls her “EH”, though, especially on Twitter. He has promised he will get me my very own Twitter account as my first Christmas present when he and Mummy are married. “It depends on Hello!,” she said, when I asked her when that would be.

Damian with mother Liz

Funny thing is that she was on the phone to Hello! even before Uncle Warnie had proposed to Mummy. She thought I was asleep. “Hello, is that Hello!? How much for the wedding pictures if Shane asks me to marry him. Not that he has, but I might get him to this evening. What, £2 million? You must be joking. That was the price four years ago. I can always go to OK! if you can’t come up with something better. When will the wedding be? It depends when you have space for a two parter. Goodbye, let me know ASAP.”

We have Hello! magazines from last time when Mummy married Dad. There were 57 pictures of the wedding in England in part one and 96 pictures in part two from India. Dad goes back to being called “Uncle Arun” now that he and Mummy are divorced. We don’t see him now.

By the way, Arun is not my real Dad — Steve Bing is — which makes me half-American. Mummy says I was an “accident” and that if she had known how disgracefully Dad was going to behave, she wouldn’t have had me. But now that I am here, she wouldn’t be without me. She and my father don’t speak. In fact, she hardly talks about him and then only as “Bing Laden”. She doesn’t like discussing this but before I was born he made my Mummy take a DNA test to prove he was the real father. She said that was the greatest insult ever because she had not slept with anyone else, not for ages, anyway. Mummy is very honest like that.

By the way, I am Damian Charles Hurley and I was born in London when I was very young on April 4, 2002, which makes me nine-and-a-half-years old. Mummy says I am not too young to write my autobiography and that she would be willing to fill me in on my early years — for a fee, of course, to be negotiated between my agent and hers. Obviously, I don’t have any money of my own since I am just a little boy, though a precocious one — I know big words like “precocious” — so Mummy says it will either have to come out of my advance or adjusted against my pocket money. Mummy is very fair like that.

She has told me never to talk to journalists for free. “Darling,” she said, “always sign a contract before you open your mouth and always carry your tape recorder with you so you can tape them taping you in case you have to sue them later for twisting your words.” Mummy is very clever like that.

Uncle Elton — that’s Elton John — says Mummy is one hell of a tough negotiator. In fact, when Mummy was pregnant with me, she hid in Uncle Elton’s home in the south of France. Mummy explained to me that she did not want to be photographed when she was pregnant because that would have been bad for business. Even then she was thinking of setting up her own fashion business selling bikinis.

(From top) Damian with Liz and Shane Warne; with Arun Nayar; with Hugh Grant

I might change my name when I grow up. I have got used to “Damian” but Mummy, who has a very funny sense of humour, called me Damian after that boy in The Omen. I guess you have seen that horror film as well where the boy, whose name is Damian, is the son of the devil. Mummy has told me that I shouldn’t take this personally but this was her way of getting back at my father whom I would like to meet one day. He offered to pay for my upbringing but Mummy told him to stuff his money “you know where” (I’m not quite sure what Mummy meant but she said Uncle Elton will explain when I am older). I am very proud Mummy is so independent.

Other boys have lots of toys. I am luckier because I have lots of uncles. Sometimes, in the evening after she has given me my bath and I sit by the fire having my glass of milk before she tucks me into bed, she will spend quality time with me. She has “quality time with son (Damian)” set aside in her diary. She shows me cards with photographs — and I have to guess who they are. I get them right most of the time. Let’s see, there is Uncle Elton and Uncle David Furnish, who is his partner. They are my Godparents. In fact, I have lots of Godparents — there is Uncle Henry Dent- Brocklehurst, and Uncle Denis Leary and Aunty Patsy Kent. Uncle Heath Ledger was also a Godparent but sadly he is dead and can no longer bring presents.

Then my favourite Uncle is Uncle Hughie. Mummy says Hugh Grant was her boyfriend but he is not the marrying kind. Mummy absolutely loathes Aunty Jemima because she became Uncle Hughie’s girlfriend after Mummy. When Mummy went on holiday with Dad — that’s Uncle Arun — she would invite Uncle Hughie to come along just so that he couldn’t be with Aunty Jemima.

I have some more pictures to look at — Warnie’s children in Australia who will be stepbrothers and sisters. There is Brooke, 14, Jackson, 12, and Summer, who is the same age as me. After they are married, Warnie says he will call Mummy “Sheila”, which is what all real Australian men call their women. Mummy and Warnie are very close — they share their make-up.

Where will the wedding be? Mummy has already phoned that nice Maharajah in Jodhpur and asked him whether there is a loyalty discount for returning brides. Dad’s dad — by which I mean Uncle Arun’s Dad — was very angry at being thrown out when he got out his camera. Last time Mummy even banned the Maharajah from carrying a mobile in his own palace in case he took a snap with his cellphone and sold it to The Sun. “You can’t be too careful when you are protecting your exclusive pictures,” Mummy says.

Everyone thinks that for someone with many uncles I am a very well-adjusted young boy. Must stop now, Dear Diary. I have a counselling session with my psychiatrist, Dr Raj Persaud. Mummy says he is quite dishy. Uncle Elton agrees.

Will the Liz-Shane marriage last? Tell t2@abp.in