From the very first scene of Pride + Prejudice + Zombies, I didn’t know which aspect of me was more horrified — the one that knew every spoken word from the Jane Austen classic and had spent her life in love with Colin Firth because of the BBC adaptation, or the zombie film buff who loves a lot of blood, gore and scare.

First, let’s touch upon everything that made the Pride and Prejudice fan (both of the book and the BBC adaptation) in me cringe. Let me lay it out at the outset that I haven’t read the book that the film is based on but I principally didn’t have a problem with a Jane Austen-zombie mash-up. In fact, I was intrigued by how they were going to introduce a zombie apocalypse in a pre-Regency era with the Bennet sisters as martial arts pros and Mr Darcy an ace zombie hunter. Just imagining Mr Darcy wielding a sword made me happy.

The failed P&P adaptation
But my misgivings and the “no, no, nos” started from the first scene where Mr Darcy introduces himself James Bond style and says “It’s Darcy, Colonel Darcy”. No, no, no! It was Mr Darcy’s cousin, his namesake, Fitzwilliam, who was the colonel. And don’t get me started on Sam Riley’s Darcy! I know it is unfair to compare anyone playing Darcy to Colin Firth, every one of them will fall short, but even without bringing him into the picture, Riley fails miserably. Mr Darcy is supposed to have a certain poise and gravity and arrogance that is completely missing. On occasion he even feels a bit chyangra by Darcy standards. And then he does the Darcy-in-white-shirt-jumping-into-pond stunt.

No, no, no! This is cult territory, not to be trifled with and certainly not by someone who is “Colonel” Darcy.

While on the subject of Darcy, any adaptation of Pride and Prejudice would fall short of expectations if they left out the whole Pemberley sequence, which this film did. Imagine the hordes of zombies Darcy and Elizabeth could be fighting at Pemberley while they romanced. 

Moving on to Eliza Bennet (Lily James), why was she making googly eyes at Mr, sorry, Colonel Darcy at the very first dance? No, no, no! Lizzie does not do quivering lips and heaving bosom. James is certainly pretty but her charm and wit as Lizzie could have done with some work.

It is not that I didn’t enjoy any part of the mash-up and some of the dialogues really worked well, re-worked to suit a zombie apocalypse. Like the opening statement that “it is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains”. But others like Darcy’s auto rant about the “great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty women can bestow” to a clueless Bingley felt forced.

Two characters from the film stood out — the overeager, overzealous, oafish Mr Collins, played brilliantly by Matt Smith, and the imposing and legendary warrior Lady Catherine de Bourgh played by Cersei, sorry I mean Lena Headey.

The epicfail zombie take
Now let’s get to the zombie part of the film which is even more disturbing, not because of the amount of blood and gore and brain consuming but rather, for the lack of it. Jane Austen fans might still find some things to laugh about or appreciate but zombie flick lovers, who watch the film with expectations of sudden scares, tense stand-offs, spilling guts... will be sorely disappointed. The most you see are the rotting faces of the zombies. There are no zombies eating brains or human flesh. All the zombie slaying happens just off the screen so even though the Bennet sisters make an impressive sight striding down in formation unsheathing their swords and slicing and dicing, you never get to see what they are slicing and dicing. There is a lot of stomping on heads and beheadings, but again you don’t see any.

There is hardly anything worth the debate I had with myself about whether I should buy the popcorn or not before I walked into the film. I mean why couldn’t they include the scene in which Elizabeth “sheathed her sword, knelt behind him, and strangled him to death with his own large bowel” that was in the book? Yes I looked up all the zombie moments from the book and they weren’t as tame as the film. Zombies drinking liquified pigs brain to hold on to their humanity? Plisss! It is like vampire movies that have “vegetarian” vampires who feed on animal blood but you never see them hunt! 

My immediate reaction after watching the film was that I needed to take the day off and spend it watching the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice and repeat gape at the Colin-Firth-in-wet-white-shirt sequence. I recommend other people do the same and throw in a bit of Shaun of the Dead into the mix if they are severely craving (excuse the pun) zombies and laughs.

Chandreyee Chatterjee