Picture by Pabitra Das

The Know-it-all judge

He is the one with gyaan. The one who always has more to say than any of his fellow judges. The one whose word (and judgment) overrides that of the others. Very often, he takes offence when his co-judges have an opinion different from his, but may or may not be intelligent enough to disguise it. Sometimes he says things that no one else seems to understand.

In Indian reality television, it is Javed Akhtar. In the third season of Sony’s Indian Idol and the latest Mission Ustaad on 9X, Javed saab hogs the limelight — quick to dig into his knowledge of music and give an hour-long lecture. “No matter what you do, as long as your singing is problematic, everything else is (but) a fringe benefit. A car might have great seats, air conditioning, a DVD player and even a television. But if it doesn’t run, it’s not a car, it’s something else,” he said to an Indian Idol contestant. He doesn’t spare the judges either. When Udit Narayan, on Indian Idol, offered a different point of view, Akhtar said: “How can you call yourself a singer? I’m worried for you.” Javed Akhtar always has the last word.

The Abusive judge

They are the shows’ TRP-earners. Simon Cowell is the role model. Called an “ass” by American Idol co-judge Paula Abdul, Cowell is dreaded for his signature phrase “ I don’t mean to be rude, but …”, inevitably followed by a bitter appraisal of the contestant’s talent, personality and even physical appearance. Often, the audience hardly gives him a chance to speak, booing even before he opens his mouth. In the 2006-07 season, Cowell threatened to stage a walkout if Indian-born Sanjaya Malakar won the contest. “The look, it was like something out of the Addams Family,” was what eventual winner Jordin Sparks earned from Cowell. The same year, Cowell was compelled to apologise for saying to one contestant: “You look a little odd...you look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle, with those massive eyes...a bush baby.”

Dripping with sarcasm, unsparingly blunt, abusive judges often reduce participants to tears. Harsh they are. But mostly, they are also honest.

MTV Roadies founder and judge Raghu Ram is India’s answer to Simon Cowell. Intimidating and offensive, Ram is insulting with a purpose. He will test whether a candidate is mentally strong to withstand the assaults to the ego that are an integral part of the show. “I remember a particular episode of the Roadies auditions where Raghu invited a participant to abuse him in return. The participant hurled the choicest abuses at him, but Raghu’s only comment was:‘You are not abusing me, you are amusing me’,” laughs college student Sheetal Surana. Raghu recently abused a Roadies aspirant saying: “Your biggest weakness lies three inches below your belt and two inches above your throat and they both look alike to me.” All this was on national television, uncensored.

The I-won’t-allow-others-to-speak judge

He who loves to hear the sound of his own voice. He who will spend 100 words on what can be expressed in 10. He will have his say for at least five good minutes — it may or may not make sense — and then consistently interrupt when it is the turn of his fellow judges to speak. He will speak in superlatives. Overbearing and highly opinionated, this judge needs a crash course on how and when to keep quiet.

Mahesh Bhatt — controversial, brash, always on the lookout for a mike — and Anu Malik — the man who loves his own voice so much that he also sings — fit perfectly into this category. Bhatt on the just-concluded Jjhoom India on Sahara One and three-time Indian Idol judge Malik are often constructive in their criticism, but it wouldn’t have been half as bad if only they didn’t talk so much.

Anu Malik’s attempt at rhyming is enough to make the audience reach out for aspirin. As are his forced “arguments” with co-judge Alisha Chinai.

The Bland judge

Non-controversial to the point of being bland, his comments will invariably be sugar-coated. He will not shy away from being critical about a candidate, but will take pains to ensure that he doesn’t end up sounding harsh. Very often, he will end up shedding more than a tear or two himself on the show. He is boring. He does not make a good candidate for reality television. “It is the loud, in-your-face judges that rake in TRPs for a show, not the non-controversial ones,” says a television industry insider.

“Suresh Wadkar on Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Lil Champs and Shreya Ghoshal on STAR Plus’s Chhote Ustaad are extremely caring judges, sensitive to the problems of the participants,” says home-maker Satarupa Sen.

The I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-I-am-doing-here judge

If the sensitive judge ends up being boring, this is one judge who is bored himself. He is there on the show no doubt — week after week, month after month — but it is simply a case of body here, mind elsewhere.

One look at music maestro A.R. Rahman on the Mission Ustaad sets and it is apparent he would be happier with his synthesizer. The same goes for Simi Garewal, on the celeb song and dance show Say Shava Shava on NDTV Imagine. “On Say Shava Shava, she is far from the easygoing and enigmatic host that the audience got to see on Rendezvous with Simi Garewal. With the animated and voluble Karan Johar sitting next to her as co-judge, Simi looks lost and bored,” smiles Partha Bhattacharya, a call centre employee. And Mandira Bedi may just about pass muster as a judge on STAR One’s Funjabi Chak De with Navjot Singh Sidhu for company, but on Dream Job — ESPN’s national-level talent hunt for a sports commentator — Mandy looked lost.

Judge Shreya Ghoshal with the participants of STAR Plus’s Chhote Ustaad

The No-nonsense judge

This judge is finicky. Hawk-eyed, he will watch every move of every participant. This judge will never allow anyone to gauge what is going on in his mind. This judge brooks no nonsense. And he will settle for nothing less than perfection. “Shabana Azmi is one really stern judge whose expressions will give nothing away. And she believes in doing things the right way, no matter what. She took up quite a bit of time on a Jjhoom India episode trying to educate a contestant that the word should be Taqalluf and not Takalluf,” laughs advertising executive Soma Mukherjee.

The Self-obsessed judge

“Ever since he became a film actor, the judge in Himesh Reshammiya has taken a backseat. What we saw in the last season of Sa Re Ga Ma Pa was a gum-chewing arrogant man, dressed in figure-hugging clothes and one who did not seem to be really interested in the proceedings. He was just there to promote himself,” says 22-year-old college-goer Devanshi Jain. Himesh is loud, self-absorbed and believes that his “presence” adds that extra zing to the show. Most often, he will dress strikingly in order to stand out among his fellow judges.

The Jumping judge

Ready to jump on-stage at the drop of a hat to encourage a contestant, he gives tips to a participant even outside a show. Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Bangla judge Mitali Singh is an example. So are the Om Shanti Om music-makers Vishal and Shekhar, judges in the last season of Sa Re Ga Ma Pa. “I don’t think a single episode went by without Vishal and Shekhar going on-stage to dance and generally jump about,” laughs schoolteacher Paramita Deb.

… And Bappi Lahiri

He is a category by himself. Bling-king Bappida has been a judge on many a reality show — from Channel [V]’s Mobile Singer to Bathroom Singer on Filmy. In fact, that’s all the man does nowadays. But claims to love it. “I feel rejuvenated when I see so many youngsters turning up to showcase their talent on reality shows,” smiles Bappida, now a judge on K for Kishore. The man brings his own inimitable style to the shows too. No one can hold a candle to Bappida. We love it when he calls Sa Re Ga Ma Pa contestant Mauli Dave the “Indian Shaaakiraaa”. “You’re my Bri-tti-ney Speeaaars!” he called out to another.