I do not know how things stand now - maybe the Chinese have overtaken them - but in my youth at least, the French were regarded as model lovers; everyone wanted to make a pilgrimage to Paris and see how they did it. Not everyone can afford to do that, even in today's prosperous India; those who cannot, must satisfy their curiosity from afar.
Luckily for them, the Observatoire Love Intelligence does a grand survey of love at the beginning of every year, and publishes the results just in time for St Valentine's Day. This year it surveyed 3,664 Frenchmen and women between the ages of 18 and 86. The sample does not pretend to be random or representative. It is determined by responses, and women respond more readily than men. So almost three quarters of the respondents were women. Young people also respond more readily; almost three-fifths of those surveyed were aged between 21 and 40. Just about a half were single, and the rest coupled, of whom, 29 per cent had been in a relationship for less than five years.
A quarter had been in only one serious relationship in their lifetime. Another quarter had been in three relationships, and almost 30 per cent in two relationships. A tenth had been in four relationships, a twentieth in five, and the remaining tenth had exceeded five.
That only applies to serious relationships; the number of nonserious relationships was much larger. Roughly 8-10 per cent had been in one to five relationships; in other words, about a half had had not more than five nonserious relationships. That means that a half had had more than five. Almost 10 per cent of the men claimed to have been in more than 36 nonserious relationships. The percentage of women in so many relationships was smaller - about five per cent. How could the number of men in over three dozen relationships exceed that of women? My knowledge of statistics begins to get strained at this stage, but I think the answer is that the frequency distribution for women is more skewed: that a small number of women had extremely numerous relationships each.
Surprisingly, just over a half of the people believed that happiness could be found in a lifelong relationship. Of the rest, a third believed in a lifelong relationship, but had not found one yet, while almost as many were of the opinion that coupling for life was passé, and that being in a couple was just a phase in life.
What do the French look for in a coupled life? Over a half look for partnership; slightly less than a half look for a loving relationship, and almost as many for fidelity. Sex came fourth; less than a third gave it priority. But almost a half believed in doing things together, while 38 per cent believed in living independent lives and coming together every once in a while. However many dalliances they might have had, though, a majority of the French believed in the ideal of a lifelong relationship. Not only for others: almost two-thirds hoped to attain this lifelong relationship eventually; only 28 per cent had given up on it. The remaining 8 per cent were still to make up their minds.
Given this ideal of durable relationships, how was it to be achieved? Four-fifths believed it was through communication: man and woman had to talk to each other. Almost two-thirds believed sexuality was the key; almost as many thought that it was by doing things together.
What is an ideal relationship? The French are not clear about this. A quarter believed the most important factor was mutual attention. Another quarter believed that good manners were the key; a quarter believed it was humour. Less than a fifth believed it was honesty or sincerity, and just about as many believed it was fidelity. Men and women differed on this question. Women valued attention (39 per cent), humour (33 per cent), fidelity (30 per cent) and gentility (28 per cent) most; men put fidelity (19 per cent), sincerity (18 per cent), gentility (17 per cent) and attention (16 per cent) at the top. Intelligence came after these qualities (14 per cent of men, 12 per cent of women). Even lower were tenderness, generosity and readiness to listen; all three were valued more by men than by women. Wealth came very low - just about 1-2 per cent of men and women thought it mattered.
What excites the French most about their partners? More men put the (female) figure and femininity at the top; more women valued attention and gentility. More than a half of both valued these qualities most. Intelligence and humour came third; more than half the women and two-fifths of men valued it.
What do the French regard as the pains of a relationship? The top five are infidelity, lassitude, betrayal, lying and torment; less important are venality, manipulation, narcissism, submission and non-communication.
The majority of both men and women considered divorce a convenient solution; but even more of both thought it was too expensive. Surprisingly, two-thirds of the women thought it involved too much suffering, whereas only about a quarter of the men thought so.
Who loses more financially? Only about a tenth of both men and women thought it was the man; 18 per cent of the women and 40 per cent of the men thought it was the woman. This is surprising; the explanation probably lies in alimony; most women probably think it is adequate or the best possible, whereas men see how cheaply they can live alone and think they get the better bargain. This is reflected in the answer to the question: who can reconstruct his or her life better after divorce? Only a tenth of the women think it is the man, whereas over a third of the men think it is the man; 42 per cent of the women and 16 per cent of the men think it is the woman. Women probably fare worse after divorce; but they have thought about it and prepared themselves for it, and therefore consider the adaptation less hard than the men.
Internet has made it much easier to meet people of the opposite sex and to have an affair: what do the French think of it? A majority, surprisingly, think it is bad: 72 per cent of women and 52 per cent of men are pained or horrified by it. On the other hand, 23 per cent of women and 35 per cent of men quite like it. Over 85 per cent take a benign view of Facebook; but 42 per cent fear the sites intended for extramarital affairs, and 37 per cent think that the sites are bad for relationships.
I guess the general opinion of the French is summed up by what a respondent said: being in a relationship is a daily battle for us, but love overcomes the pain of it all. What I gather is that while the French have quite a gay love life, they consider the Indian brand of marriage forever the ideal. National boundaries are a pain; without them, Indians would have a fling in France, and the French would settle down to a Hindu marriage in India. But perhaps, things are better as they are: the French would not be French without the frontiers.
