The week that should have been

After a rigorous analysis of TikTok trends, a distinguished panel of Oxford University sophomores has coined ‘war’ as the word of the year. Seeing off stiff competition from ‘rizz’ (how men seduce through silence), ‘Musk’ (doing whatever it takes to get attention) and ‘delulu’ (a halfwit’s discovery of happy helplessness), ‘war’ prevailed on account of convincing the most number of people to have an opinion on it.

Meanwhile, in a nod to Spotify Wrapped, world leaders reveal the sounds that kept them from listening to the voices of their voters. Bhangra dominated Justin Trudueau’s playlist even as bhajans topped Rishi Sunak’s charts. Blues was the order of the year for anyone governing Sri Lanka or Pakistan whereas the Prime Minister of the planet’s Vishwaguru enjoyed his customised ‘Melodies’, which were streamed most often at international summits. As for Joe Biden, the US President mostly heard his sanity coach on loop, as compared to Benjamin Netanyahu’s habit of dozing off to the wailing of Palestinian children.

Elsewhere, government delegations at COP28 hold preliminary discussions on designing thermometers that measure the earth’s temperature by factoring in the political climate prevailing across the world.

Wondering what else happened as you realised that you have been called out more often than Big Oil companies in 2023? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

December 4

BJP politicians dismiss rumours of not campaigning in South India for the 2024 elections even though “the South needs us more than we need them”

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• In light of the latest round of state election results, a team of 100 horticulturists reach the conclusion that the most prolific species of lotus in India can only bloom in conditions of low literacy, high unemployment and staggered development.

• According to a Crime in India report, the biggest crime in the country remains the killing of open conversations, which takes place most frequently in bedrooms, followed by classrooms.

December 5

“Once I make a commitment, I only listen to the bottom line,” says Salman Khan, while explaining his presence at KIFF

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• The Kolkata International Film Festival (KIFF), where elite Bengalis go to set fresh benchmarks for sitting still, announces Salman Khan as the “New Royal Bengal Tiger” owing to his superior record as a predator.

• Kolkata has been voted as India’s safest city for the 16th year running, as detailed surveys have found that most of the city’s native criminals have moved to Delhi, Mumbai or Bengaluru in search of better opportunities.

December 6

Vicky Kaushal confirms that Katrina Kaif has asked him to advise Ranbir Kapoor on “how to be a gentler man”

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• Sam Bahadur’s box office collection spikes as viewers of Animal are offered discounted rates to watch Vicky Kaushal’s latest in an exemplary move by cinema halls to prove that there is more to masculinity than the adolescent fantasies of Sandeep Reddy Vanga.

• Insider reports at Cringe Binge indicate that the trailer for the second season of House of the Dragon is actually a rejected trailer of the first. Unnamed HBO officials have called it “an honest mistake that wasn’t rectified since none of the viewers seemed to notice”.

December 7

“No darker than caramel is what I told Meghan [Markle] about her brunch outfits, not her child,” clarifies Kate Middleton

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• Kate Middleton, who is alleged to have a side hustle of speculating the skin colour of unborn royals, overcomes her recent negative press by inviting leading British tastemakers (also known as tabloid columnists) to a walk-through of her wardrobe.

• Erik ten Hag, the Dutch coach who was made Manchester United manager on account of possessing the same hairline as Pep Guardiola, opens up on rumours of a dressing room debacle: “Have I lost 66.66 per cent of the United dressing room? No chance! It’s impossible for me to lose the dressing room because the players who disagree with me aren’t allowed to be a part of it.”

December 8

“I’ll return to Parliament before Ma Durga returns to Earth,” warns Mahua Moitra

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• Mahua Moitra, the second-biggest inspirer of memes in her party, has been expelled from Parliament. According to a report lasting 5,000 pages, Moitra was found guilty of “showing seven signs of a spine, which constitutes an inexcusable violation of parliamentary conduct. These signs include wearing whatever she wants, buying her own gifts, asking too many questions, posing with widowers, ghosting billionaires, glaring too often, and preferring to live with a dog over a man”.

• TIME, the magazine with the most subscribers pretending to read it, names Taylor Swift as its person of the year for 2023. Swift beats Vladimir Putin and ChatGPT because of “wielding the biggest influence on the US economy since Franklin D. Roosevelt alongside making American football relevant again”.