PROBLEM I am 27 years old. I work as a copy editor. I have been living in a joint family — with hordes of uncles, aunts and cousins. Now there are just seven members in the house, including myself. As all my cousins have moved out — due to work, marriage, etc. — I am the only young member left behind. And I have to look after the seniors. I cannot move out of the city, in spite of better job offers, because I feel they need me. Yet my cousins have given the slip quite easily. What can I do? I feel quite tied down. Debanjali Mitra, Calcutta | |
| You are indeed a very responsible person. However, being the only young member in the household, it restrains your chances of having a better career. My advice is that you should go for better prospects and engage some reliable person to look after the elders at home. | |
| A.K. Ghosh | |
| CIT Road, Calcutta | |
| It?s a joy to know that such kind-hearted and dutiful people like you still exist. But there has to be an alternative arrangement for sharing your responsibilities in looking after the elders. Arrange a family get-together and have a discussion with the elders and youngsters. | |
| Nina Talukdar, | |
| Golpark, Calcutta | |
| I believe that if you can? t do good to yourself you will fail to do good to others. However, this notwithstanding, if you help family members by sacrificing your career, don?t look for any returns. This is like a bet that you have to lose. | |
| Hemanta Kr Datta, | |
| Howrah | |
| These days, sentimental considerations are less significant than monetary ones. You need to be well-established in life so that you can take care of the expenses of the family. Meanwhile, in your absence you can employ helping hands. | |
| S. Mukhopadhyay, | |
| Burdwan | |
| Your elders are wise enough to look after themselves. It is unlikely that all of them will fall ill at the same time. If any one member is ill, the others can take care of the situation. If you have a good job, you can keep a good caretaker to look after them. Money is important. | |
| Surojeet Kumar Dhar, | |
| Bansdroni, Calcutta | |
| I strongly condemn the action of your cousins. It shows how mean they are. I think you have acted responsibly and you should not feel guilty if you are moving out now. You can still visit your family on a periodic basis, make phone calls, etc. Remember, if you do not take care of yourself, nobody will . | |
| Arunabha Gupta, | |
| California, USA | |
| I think you are being far too emotional. The senior members are six in number and they can help each other. Nobody and nothing is indispensable in life. One day or the other you have to move out of your family due to marriage (of course, if you are not against it). So go ahead and take the good opportunities that come by. | |
| Indrakshi Samanta, | |
| New Alipore, Calcutta | |
| I think it is a common problem for every joint family. In most of these families, any one person must stay back to look after the rest. Keep your mind positive, and take it as your responsibility. Good luck. | |
| Syed Abdul Haleem, | |
| Raniganj | |
| If your cousins could leave their parents behind to seek their own pastures, why can?t you? Your greatest advantage is that you belong to a joint family which has six more members. What do you plan to do when you decide to marry? There?s no point in being emotional. | |
| Babita Sengupta, | |
| Lake Gardens, Calcutta | |
| You can be responsible towards your family even if you are staying elsewhere. There are so many ways of keeping in touch with your seniors. So go ahead and build your life. | |
| Ashutosh Kumar, | |
| Patna | |
| Thanks for being such a gem. Most people want to spend time only on them- selves now. They have forgotten their social duties. You are setting a good example. However, you should still discuss your problem with your cousins and hope to find a good solution. | |
| Navacharan Jyoti, | |
| Khound, Jorhat | |
| You have harboured a grouse against your cousins for giving the slip quite easily. At the same time, you are reluctant to do as they have done. You have to choose between career and family on the basis of your priorities. | |
| arta mishra, | |
| jyotish nagar, cuttack | |
| It is a tricky situation. But will you be able to rest in peace after you have moved out? It is quite annoying to be left alone with all the responsibilities but there is great pleasure in feeling wanted. You should spend a few days away from home for a trial run and see how the household functions without you. | |
| Robina Bose, | |
| Gopalpur, Asansol | |
| Your family had once cared for you and probably still do. What you are today is entirely because of what they have done for you. Stay with them and enjoy their blessings. You shouldn?t emulate your cousins. | |
| Suraj Kumar Singha, | |
| Raiganj, Uttar Dinajpur | |
| Next month’s Response question | |
| Readers are requested to respond to the following problem. All answers, to be within 150 words, should reach us within a fortnight. Answers should be accompanied by this coupon. Readers can also write to us through email (themes@ abpmail.com) or fax their answers to 033 2225 3142/2236 1208 We are a close-knit group of friends with years of shared experiences behind us. We have developed memories, jokes, and almost a language of our own. The problem is that my wife insists on joining us whenever we meet — and she doesn’t belong in our crowd. I can’t see why she doesn’t realise this. It’s ruining everyone’s fun and causing me embarrassment. Should I tell her? Name and address withheld | |
| Expert Eye Mahuya Ghosh Consultant psychologist | |
You are assuming you have a problem, the solutions to which are virtually at cross-purposes. But you have some options before you. One is to continue handling the responsibility of your senior family members alone. But there is no point in brooding over it. You may have to turn down a few job offers outside the city, but you can still search for and accept some better job opportunities, which are available right there in your city. You can consult your cousins to find out if any one of them is willing to look after your senior relatives should you leave station. If you decide to settle in a distant city, you can also try and convince your family that the move is for your own betterment and should therefore be supported. Alternatively, you may try to get your cousins to share your responsibilities. You may have a plan to marry within a few years and in that case, leaving your home will be inevitable. Your seniors will then have to accept that. But whether or not you leave the city, you still have a responsibility towards your family. You have to weigh the possibilities before you and give them serious thought. Ultimately what will prevail will be your own preference and sense of duty. You may have to compromise one at the cost of another. Whatever you do, do not begrudge your family your love and care. | |
Monday, 16 June 2025
