PROBLEM My first cousin, 27 years old, wants to get married. Her parents are particularly interested in a friend of mine who fits the bill of a ‘perfect son-in-law’. Now, they want me to rope him in. My cousin too is enamoured of him. But I know she is not the kind of woman he would like to marry. However, I can’t say no to my uncle and aunt. At the same time I don’t want to sour my friendship by making such a proposal. What should I do? Vivek Sen, | |
| You are getting too involved. Please take your friend into your confidence. Don?t propose, instead relate the matter to him. This will take care of all the aspects, keeping everyone happy. | |
| Surajit Banerjee, | |
| Gopal Bose Lane, | |
| Calcutta | |
| As they say, marriages are made in heaven. It is prudent not to play the role of mediator. If their married life turns bitter, you might get into a fix. So get out of this matchmaking business. It?s too risky! | |
| S. Mukhopadhyay, | |
| Burdwan | |
| You have to be extremely cautious in handling this delicate situation. You can take your friend into confidence and request him to participate in a family get-together with your first cousin and her parents. You should also sound out your cousin?s family on the likes and dislikes of your friend. This will help them to get mentally prepared to face the outcome, whatsoever. | |
| Ashok Kumar Ghosh, | |
| C.I.T. Road, Calcutta | |
| I think you should talk yourself out of this situation. Tell your uncle and your aunt that your cousin really is not the kind of a woman your friend would like to marry. | |
| Arijit ghosh, | |
| Basudevpur Road, | |
| Shyamnagar | |
| Here?s a tricky situation and there are two alternatives for you. One, speak to your friend and express your reservations about your cousin. Leave the decision to him. Secondly, tell your aunt and uncle that you can put forward the proposal to your friend but you cannot persuade him to marry your cousin. | |
| Basudeb Bhattacharya, | |
| Salt lake, | |
| Calcutta | |
| ?I know that she is not the kind of woman he would like to marry? ? if you know this then where?s the dilemma? If you rope in your friend, it will result in a disastrous marriage. Explain this to your relatives. I think they?d be grateful to you for saving their daughter the trauma of a bad alliance. | |
| Falgusree Dasgupta | |
| Aban Palli, | |
| Santiniketan | |
| I am sure your uncle and aunt will understand that their daughter is not the right person for your friend. They love their daughter more than anybody else. They will certainly not push her into a bad marriage. | |
| Sourish Misra | |
| Sector II, Salt Lake, | |
| Calcutta | |
| You should not try to unite your friend and your cousin. Do you want to be responsible for the mismatch? You can duck your uncle?s request by telling him that your friend is engaged. | |
| Sudip Sengupta, | |
| Behala, Calcutta | |
| Just arrange a tete-a-tete between the two parties. And then leave it to them. Love is a strange thing. Who knows? Your friend might end up liking your cousin! | |
| Prasanta ghosh, | |
| Barasat | |
| It?s better to tell your uncle, aunt and cousin that your friend is not available. This solves the problem. | |
| P. Pramanik, | |
| Santoshpur Avenue, Calcutta | |
| Are you biased against your cousin? Give her a chance to mix freely with your friend, unless he refuses to do so. It?s better she realises the problems herself. If you say no to the idea of the alliance, she might think you are being unfair to her. Don?t ignore her feelings. | |
| Ruvena Chopra, | |
| Harish Mukherjee Road, | |
| Calcutta | |
| What a mess you are in! You need to be relieved of any feeling of guilt. You can talk about your cousin to your friend ? just like you would discuss another person ? and see how he reacts. If he does not appear interested, then close the topic there. Otherwise, see if he would be interested in meeting your cousin. In that case, fix up a date and then wash your hands off the matter. | |
| Priyamvada Khemka, | |
| Alipore, Calcutta | |
| You should give the two people concerned a chance to decide for themselves. If you don?t do that much you are bound to feel guilty. If they agree to tie the knot then you have a bright career in matchmaking! | |
| Kaberi Mukherjee, | |
| Santosh Roy Road, | |
| Calcutta | |
| You can help the girl and the boy get to know each other. Do it casually without arousing the suspicion of your friend. Tell your uncle and aunt to watch the two and decide if it?s worth making a proposal. | |
| Mamoni Acharya, | |
| Nalbari, Assam | |
| Take your friend into confidence. Tell him that you are caught in such a dilemma. Ask him to help you out of this. | |
| S. Mukherjee, | |
| Panditia Road, Calcutta | |
| EXPERT EYE | |
Making a proposal surely doesn?t mean that you are making the marriage. Both the parties have the right to choose their partner or to reject him/her. In India, marriage is not just the matter of two people but also two families ? although they are asking your help for making the proposal, they would take proper steps to find out whether your friend really fits their bill of the ?perfect son-in-law?. If you have a good friend in the guy in question, don?t be afraid of losing him by making the proposal. It will finally be his decision to accept or reject it. Even when we know a person very closely, we sometimes fail to understand his emotional needs from his would-be wife, his expectations from marriage, his abilities to build a good relationship with his life-partner, etc. The success of a marriage depends on lifelong efforts of both the partners to build and strengthen the relationship. It is very difficult to predict ?as a third person ? which marriages will really work and which will not. Seen as individuals, your friend and your cousin may appear to be as different as chalk and cheese. But often, such people get along very well. A true friend can never misunderstand you in the long run, even if he disagrees with the proposal. But who knows, you might turn out to be a good matchmaker unwittingly. | |
| Next month’s Response question | |
| Readers are requested to respond to the following problem. All answers should reach us within a fortnight. All answers — not to exceed 150 words — should be accompanied by this coupon. Readers can write to us through e-mail (themes@abpmail.com) or fax their answers to 033 2225 3142/ 2236 1208 My sister got married last year to a marine engineer. Within two months of the marriage her husband went off on a sail. Since then, she’s been staying with us. She visits her in-laws often but doesn’t like to stay there too long. My parents are now getting flak for this. Both our relatives and my sister’s in-laws are unhappy with her decision to stay with us. We’ve tried persuading her but she refuses to leave the house. What can we do now? Name and address withheld | |
Tuesday, 01 July 2025
