The problem

My father died when I was four and since then my mother’s life has centred around me. I’m 18 now, yet I can’t have a life of my own. When my friends drop in, my mother sits with them and monopolises the conversation. She makes all my decisions for me, like what I should wear or eat. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

 

 

response

Don’t feel helpless. ‘Handle with care’ should be your mantra. Your mother has every reason to try and control your life, as she has no one else. Obviously, she still considers you a kid. You must have patience and make her realise you are an adult now and are capable of taking independent decisions. Remember she is lonely, but sooner or later, she will set you free.

Gayatri Chakraborty
North 24 Parganas

You have two options: either tell your mother to leave you alone -- discard her like the dress that was once a favourite but doesn’t fit now. Or else, try to see her dedication to you that prompts her to behave this way. She lives through you. She has given up all her hopes, and dreams for your sake. So what if she is a bit different? What if she has failed to see that her child is now an adult? The real question is, are you ready to let go of the hand that has led you for 18 long years?

Kamalika Sengupta
Calcutta

You are lucky that your mother is so caring. Because you are 18 years old, you think you are grown-up. Your mother has remained a widow all these years so that she could look after you. And now you want to ignore her. Your problem will be solved if you are willing to accept a stepfather. Then you’ll be free to do as you wish.

Rajesh Mukherjee
Bandel

I believe it will be difficult for you to do anything that may hurt your mother. While it is not advisable to hurt your mother's feeling by being aggressive, you have to think and plan your life from now on. Otherwise, you’ll have problems later on. For instance, your mother may interfere in your life after your marriage. And your spouse will not like this at all. Gradually, you’ll have to convince your mother that you need your space.

Hemanta Kumar Dutta
Shibpur, Howrah

Since your mother has been your only parent for so long, it is natural for her to feel protective towards you. Reassure her that she is important to you, but also explain that you should start taking decisions independently so that you can be strong enough to face the world in the future. Speak your mind to your mother. I am sure that she will see your point.

Aparna Mukherjee
Guwahati

Since you lost your father at a young age, your mother's duty doubled. Your mother loves you so much that she thinks that you are still young and that she needs to take care of you just like she did when you were a child. You should slowly let your mother know that you are a grown-up now. She will understand your feelings and you will get your freedom.

Tuhin Purkayastha
Parnashree Pally

First of all, you should realise that your mother is a lonely person and that you are the only one she lives for. Her whole life is centred around you. She may sometimes interfere in your life, but you need not worry about it. What you can do is try to make your mother understand that you are an adult now and are mature enough to tackle day-to-day issues on your own.

S. Bhattacharjee
Nagaon, Assam

A lonely heart always seeks company and togetherness. Long years of insecurity have made your mother possessive about you. Try to talk her out of this so that you can develop your own personality.

Nidhi Poddar
Salt Lake City

Don’t get upset. Your mother must have been deeply in love with your father, and his death must have upset her terribly. You should not blame her for her actions. Be considerate and try to understand her feelings. Let her feel that you have all the regard and love for her, but at the same time, let her know that you are an adult now and deserve some independence.

C.K. Das
Siliguri

Your mother is your truest friend. You seem to realise what her situation is. So why don’t you take her behaviour in your stride? After all, she has sacrificed her whole life to bring you up.

Jayanti Ghosh
Gopalpur

It is not clear what you mean by saying that your mother sits amongst your friends and monopolises the conversation. Your mother is your only caretaker. She is anxious that you stay on the right path. And anyway, as a mere boy of 18, what valid objection could you have to your mother participating in your conversation with friends? You cannot treat this as interference.

S.K Bhattacharjee
Durg

You must always be with your mother. She wants to guide you for a few more years, maybe till you are 24 or 25. Then, you will see that you have much more liberty than you have today. Your mother is not trying to run your life. She is just scared of loneliness.

Gopinath Basu
Santragachi, Howrah

Parents never seem to realise that their children do grow up one day. You know her best. So you must think of a way to tackle this situation without hurting her feelings. The next time she makes a decision for you, surprise her by saying that that’s exactly what you would have done too. Stick to this plan for some time. Slowly, she will trust your choices. Then you will be at liberty to take your decisions.

A. Bose Chowdhury
Harisova, Barrackpore

expert eye

Ishita Sanyal
Consultant psychologist

Being human is all about being in relationships. Relationships can provide us with love, understanding, and support, but can also be a source of unhappiness and uncertainty.

Due to the sudden vacuum in your mother’s life after your father’s death, her needs and wishes were satisfied through you and you were her only source of interaction with society. You too must have been dependent on her then.

But as you are growing up, you are developing a new identity. Unfortunately, your mother fails to understand this or denies it.

You may have developed a co-dependent relationship with your mother, and over the years, it has turned into a pathological dependence. All human beings are born dependent. Becoming self-reliant is the result of a developmental process. Normal progression begins with “symbiosis,” moves to increasing competence, then to independence, and finally, to interdependence. In co-dependent relationships, these normal shifts get “stuck,” leading to an incomplete sense of the self.

Try to provide support to your mother and tell her that your identity is at stake. Project a mature image of yourself to your mother. If you can point out your difficulties, then she may understand.

You can take the help of an elderly relative or a family friend. Professional help may be needed, too, if you cannot handle the situation tactfully.