Daddy cool: Some men are comfortable with changing nappies, but they prefer not to do it in public

Open your eyes and smell the coffee ? literally. The husband walks in with the breakfast while you lounge in bed. He gets the children dressed and packs their (and your) tiffins before leaving for office. Back from office he makes a beeline for the kitchen to prepare a gourmet dinner while helping the children with the homework.

A slice of life?

“More likely, an advertisement!” exclaims Delhi-based Neena Aggarwal, who, when not climbing the corporate ladder, is struggling with domesticity.

Her husband, on the other hand, is content with just bringing the bread home and is certainly not bothered about baking it, preferring to surf channels on the home theatre system instead.

If you switch on the television, you’d be inundated with visions of a caring husband-cum-father. How real is the image? “Basically it is a two way process,” says Radhika Chopra, who teaches sociology at the University of Delhi. “Advertisers would not bother with something that was unrealistic. Advertisers of consumer products do extensive surveys and base their ads on the kind of targets that they have. It is not so much a revolution in advertising as a response to the changing reality,” says Chopra, who has edited a book called South Asian Masculinity.

There is a shift in the way household products are sold ? which would be indicative of the changing role of the man at home. Men, for instance, are shown to be as adept at using the microwave or the washing machine as women.

Outside the world of TV, though, husbands are still struggling. “I love spending time with my baby,” says Delhi-based Nitya Kumar, a 30-something executive at a multinational company. But he recalls with a shudder the time when he took his daughter to the neighbourhood park. “There were only women and their babies there and they stared as if I was an extra terrestrial. The next time my wife suggested that I take the baby out, I refused point blank” he says.

Malashri Lal, former director, Women’s Studies and Development Centre, University of Delhi, believes that men are changing their roles but are wary of public attention. “Men are discovering the joys of fatherhood,” she asserts. “But they might not be comfortable with the idea of an audience in a public community space. Men would be more open to taking the baby out for a drive rather than to the park while the mother winds up other work.”

Clearly, there are conflicts at work. Chopra explains that society is not one homogeneous entity. “As young fathers they might feel conscious while changing their babies’ nappies in front of their parents. But with their peers ? who, in any case, might be doing the same thing at home ? they may just exchange notes on the best way to do it.”

The old is giving way to the new ? but not completely. Mary John, associate professor, Women’s Studies, Jawaharlal Nehru University, does not believe that the advertisements of the new, improved family man reflect real life. She feels that the change is visible only in a small section of people. “Ads are made to grab attention,” she says.

Yet, experts hold that the changes are visible ? especially when generations are compared. Delhi-based Tasneem Ahmed, who is in her forties, recalls her father telling her how there was a furore in the family when he picked her up as a baby in front of his father.

This is not a problem that Aparna Massey, who works at a business process outsourcing company in Bangalore, faces. Her husband has no difficulty changing their baby’s nappies ? as long as it’s not in the middle of the night. “In fact, he does not want to be disturbed at night. Because of the baby so we sleep in different bedrooms.”

Likewise, many women complain that for them cooking is a responsibility which they have to undertake whether or not they are in the mood for it. For most men, it remains a leisure activity ? to be undertaken if and when they feel like it. “My husband Sidharth loves to make occasional stuff like chicken but talk dal chawal and he bolts,” says Ridhi Sinha, a Delhi teacher.

The argument is put into perspective by psychiatrist Sanjay Chugh, founder chairman, International Institute of Mental Health (IIMH) and International Institute for De-addiction Research and Therapy (IIDRT). “The media do not work in a vacuum. Society and media have an interdependent relationship,” he says. Men and women change their roles, influenced by the media, which reflect the changes that are taking place.

In the 1990s, as more and more women started stepping out of their homes, the media highlighted the supermom. Today, as a section of men deals with issues such as bringing up babies and doing housework, superdad is the buzz word. “The metrosexual man is much the same creation,” he says.

But while their numbers might be small, there is definitely a new breed of men who do not mind donning two hats ? that of professionals and caring husbands or fathers. The extent, of course, varies with individuals. “Domesticity forms a part of the modern man,” asserts Chopra.