PROBLEM

Our only daughter has just got married and left home. My wife and I are so lonely that we have asked her and our son-in-law to come and stay with us. We have a lot of space in our house and we can give her the entire downstairs flat. Our daughter doesn’t mind. But our son-in-law is objecting. He doesn’t have problems staying with his parents, but when it comes to staying with his wife’s parents he thinks it’s absurd. Is it? Please advise.

Name and address withheld

Everyone desires to live independently after marriage and this seems to be the reason behind your son-in-law’s objection. Another reason could be his fear of identity crisis. Instead of forcing him to live in your house, let him be on his own. Ask your daughter and him to visit on weekends and holidays.

Manish Misra,

Bokaro, Jharkhand

Your problem of loneliness is a common one. However, you should have sorted out this issue of a common household before the marriage. It is definitely an issue for your son-in-law’s dignity and self-esteem. But remember, if he loves your daughter, he will come and stay with you.

Masood Nehal,

Address withheld

Don’t poke your nose into your daughter’s family. You are going to invite trouble and disharmony. The loneliness you are facing is very natural. You may, however, express your desire that your daughter stays in your house after you.

Swapan Kumar Goswami,

Alipore, Calcutta 700027

Men are taught to be self-reliant from an early age. Once your son-in-law starts staying in your house, he will feel inept. Moreover, your daughter should not get a sense of extra security. As for yourself, accept that parents are happy only when their children are. Try spending your time on a good cause.

Manisha Somani,

Howrah

I think you are getting irrational, demanding your pound of flesh out of your daughter’s marriage. With parents like you, her marriage may soon be on the rocks. No self-respecting man will choose to be a ghar jamai when he can afford a roof of his own. A bit of introspection will help. If you had an only son, would you allow him to stay with his in-laws?

Chameli Pal,

Budge Budge Trunk Road, Calcutta 700140

You should have been mentally prepared for loneliness after your daughter’s marriage. The only option you had was getting your daughter married to an orphan. See if you can live with your son-in-law and daughter.

P. Pramanik,

Santoshpur, Calcutta

The son-in-law finds it demeaning to stay with his in-laws. The daughter, an only child, thinks this is important for her to be able to look after her parents. Both the families should buy two adjoining flats to look after each other.

Prasanta Kumar Ghosh,

Barasat

The newly-married couple is enjoying the romance of marriage. It is obvious that your son-in-law’s conjugal life will be disturbed if he comes to live in your house. Why don’t you take up gardening or some creative work to engage yourself?

Jagat Bandhu Das,

Raghunathpur, Purulia

The daughter and her husband should not share the same roof with her parents. What would you have done if she had settled in another city or country?

Arun Kr Paul,

Diamond Harbour Rd, Calcutta 700104

Your loneliness is the result of the nuclear family system. You should have developed the habit of staying alone long back. You should stay out of your daughter’s family matters lest she accuses you of creating trouble in her marital life.

Sandhya Banerjee,

Salt Lake, Calcutta 700091

Our society demands that daughters stay with their in-laws. However, under certain circumstances, it should not be considered absurd for the son-in-law to stay with his in-laws. Just as he has duties towards his parents, your daughter has the same towards you.

Sandipan Mitra,

Behala, Calcutta 700063

The issue needs to be settled with understanding. Your son-in-law can be convinced into staying at your house if both the families can arrive at a good and rational understanding.

Suman Gupta,

Golf Club Road, Tollygunge, Calcutta 700033

You have to assure your daughter’s husband that he will not be deprived of his freedom if he stays with you. If he is still not convinced, then do not force him.

Urmila Guha,

Burnpur

EXPERT EYE- KALPANA BASU MAZUMDER, CONSULTANT PSYCHOLOGIST

You seem to be experiencing the “empty nest” syndrome. This situation occurs in the lives of older adults when their children leave home. The parents begin to feel a sense of vacuum. Life seems lonely and futile. What you need to consider is whether the arrangement proposed by you will work towards building healthy relationships. How do you think your son-in-law will respond if he is forced to do something against his will? What repercussions will it have on all of you? In spite of the pain and struggle involved, you need to separate your lives from that of your daughter and let them make their own decisions. Try to involve yourselves in other areas of interest -— things you and your wife have always wanted to do. Some of the options could be travelling, pursuing a hobby or social work. You will soon discover that the alternatives are endless.

Next month’s Response question

Readers are invited to respond to the following problem. The answer should reach us within a fortnight. This coupon should be enclosed with letters sent by post. Please write ‘Response, Family Page’ on the envelope. Readers may also write to themes@abpmail.com

I have recently married my college friend who belongs to a different culture and community. Since then, my husband has been unhappy with my housekeeping abilities, especially my cooking. I do not get enough time in the kitchen as I have a demanding job. And what I serve does not suit his taste buds. Things have worsened since his parents have come over to stay with us. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to satisfy any of them. Now he wants his mother to stay with us, as he can’t do without her cooked food. Not that I mind, but this is certainly an insult to my abilities. How do I react? Reema Sen, Calcutta