The attitudinal differences that exist between first and second generation Indians living abroad have been written about ad infinitum. While first generation Indian immigrants remain rooted in the soil of India, their children are alienated from the beliefs and traditions of their parents. Nowhere is this more obvious than in the matter of marriage, where, often against the wishes of the young people, the older generation insists on arranging for them to marry someone from the old country.

Not unexpectedly, huge adjustments have to be made in order to make such a marriage work ? adjustments that involve food, the upbringing of the children? “But the most difficult adjustment to make,” says Seema, a girl born and brought up in India who married a second generation Indian living in London, “is coping with our different attitudes to family.”

Seema, like most of us Indians, has been brought up in the bosom of a large extended family. She enjoys people dropping in unannounced, staying on to take pot luck, sleeping on the floor if they need to spend the night. She knows it is a two-way process and delights in it. On the other hand, Ajit, who has grown up in England, believes strongly in the nuclear family. He puts a high premium on privacy and the English belief that his home is his castle.

One of the first things that Seema did when she got married was to furnish two of their three bedrooms as guestrooms. These rooms were rarely empty, except in winter when the Indian deluge tapered off. For the rest of the year there were parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles et al, either on holiday or en route elsewhere.

Ajit did not take kindly to this onslaught of family and friends. He resented losing his privacy for months on end, and of having to share his home with “all and sundry.” Becoming progressively more taciturn and tight-lipped, he was barely civil to their guests. The message that they were not welcome slowly percolated to India. The deluge of guests gradually became a trickle and then finally stopped.

It has been months since anyone from home has stayed with Seema and Ajit. The house that was buzzing with life now seems silent and empty. Ironically, the one who is relieved is Seema. “It takes a little getting used to, but I’m glad to be spared all that extra work.” she says. “Besides, it is rather nice to be on our own.” Ajit‘s attitude has also changed. “We haven’t seen your folks for quite some time,” he says. “Why don’t you ask them to pay us a visit?”

If it was a difficult adjustment, Seema and Ajit seem to have made it.